Falling in love with someone else but trying not to

[SsecretSsquirrel]

This will be a long one.

First off I am married to my best friend, he is great, no one is prefect but he's damn near close. I find him very attractive and he's lovely and kind and I couldn't ask for more. I also wasn't looking for anything extra marital at all and I didn't even notice this guy at first.

So I (mid 30s) work with a younger guy (mid 20s) and we got put on a project together. It's a creative tech industry and so he is learning off of me and my level and it's also a social industry - you go to conferences after work and drinks etc, particularly if you are newer in your career (him) or trying to stay relevant with all the AI stuff coming in (me).

Essentially we get on like best friends. We just got chatting and we have so much in common including countries we grew up in. He's a labrador type of guy and I'm the same, I just fall in love with kind people. He's friendly and sweet, we have the same humour, and at first I though he had a crush on me because he kept following me to get coffee or lunch and saves me a seat at work, invites me to conferences. People at work noticed how close we were getting and some catty people made silly comments.

Long story short this has been building for months now and I try to avoid him a bit now (like the days he's in or sitting near him), I don't want to talk to him more than anyone else at work, I went away and didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks, and then we got back to work and it was just like no time had passed, we just laugh till we cry. I think I remind him of his family which he's very close to and the only way I can describe it is pure true love like I love him as a lovely sweet perfect person who brings more joy into the world just by being here (which sounds mushy but I am mushy).

Essentially I want him to find a girlfriend, I don't want to disrupt anything in my life. But I've never felt so strongly for someone so quickly. I don't think I fancy him but I think about him a lot and that feels awful. Does anyone have friendships like this? I really wish male / female friendships worked out more but then I don't know if this is something I should cut off given the age difference and closeness? I've spoken openly about my husband to him and vica versa and invited my husband to a work even to meet everyone and make it all above board. But I miss him more than I expect to when we've had a day of fun and laughter together and I think it's pretty obvious to anyone around us that we both just think the world of each other. Our boss calls us a special little friendship (which makes us sound like school kids 😝) and he said I'm one of his favourite people at work. At the Christmas party he signed us up to do karaoke together, and I mingled and danced with others and had a blast, and then later I sat and he came and sat by me and we were chatting and then time had just flown and I realised all of our team were elsewhere and we had just laughed and joked for ages.

Last points - he's a fair bit younger than me, we have each others phone numbers and have sent the odd work thing when we were on an AI project together and the deadline was coming up but it was purely work and it's because with flexi hours you don't always know if people are at their desk. I think he's just a very sweet friendly younger guy. I don't know what I expect here just maybe a sense check or I just want to confess, I don't know. I tell my husband all the time 'oh I love him, oh I love her' about friends and stuff and I've said it about this guy, I'm really trying to be transparent and honest and respectful.

Edit: Just reread the title and it's a bit strong. I wouldn't say I'm falling in love but just it does feel like I love him like a best friend or something and very quickly, but it makes me sad because this doesn't feel sustainable. Yet every time I think 'he's going to find some girl he likes at work or new friend group' he doesn't he's just always there and we have a laugh. I have a lot of work friendships but only a select few I have any meaningful conversations and he's one of those.

It is taking up a lot of my time you are 100% right and it means a lot to me, but my husband means everything and I tell him I love him every day so don’t think I’m suddenly ignoring him at home or something.

People keep mentioning the huge imbalance between this and what I say about my husband but I just haven’t said much about him because I front ended the post about him to try and state it clearly from the start - he’s great and he has male and female friends, and he had quite a familial relationship with an older female colleague (who was gay) and so I don’t find having work besties all that weird a concept it’s just the speed and connection and you get man thing that I’m questioning myself over

If you want to commit to your marriage you need to close down these kind of attachments elsewhere

the grass can always be greener

Your being niave thinking that people won’t sense the vibe between you and the hanging out - even just going to get lunch together

its not a platonic relationship as you describe so it is harmful attachment - to make marriage work you don’t develop these kind of attachments even in bad times if you want to commit to your marriage imv

How does the colleague see your friendship I wonder

You've got a crush. If your marriage is important to you just dial the friendship back, be less funny, discuss your personal life less, maintain physical distance. Keep it strictly professional.

You've titled this thread as you have- falling in love with someone else, now youre trying to persuade all of us that this isnt the case. I think youre being a bit dishonest about it, because you enjoy his company so much, you dont actually want to pull back.

I think youre in a danger zone. And that you should withdraw.

Thank you so much, and yes the silly bitchy guy at work who made the comment did make me go ‘shit as I doing something stupid here’, and that’s what I came on to check.

Aw thank you, and also I didn’t want to like click baiting people with over gushy wording in the OP, I just genuinely love my friends but I haven’t had this for guys before and had it be at work like this and where I originally thought it was too much but then realise maybe we’re both just lonely and have a real laugh

Im an HR manager and yes this sort of ‘special friendship’ gets gossiped about and has the piss taken all the time. Then someone speculates there’s more to it than meets the eye and it ends up on my desk as a ‘keep an eye on this situation’

You're being wilfully naive if you think people won’t gossip about 2 people of the opposite sex spending a lot of time together

I think men and women can be friends. My best friend is a man. Yes, we slept together. It was 30 years ago for about 2 weeks. We were young and the feelings were a bit confused and then they werent. The sex solidified that we would only ever be friends. It felt wrong. The last 30 years have been purely platonic and we absolutely love each other. We have shared every milestone in each others lives. I love his wife and his kid is treated the same as my nibblings.

My issue with what your describing is how your talking about your feelings. You sound confused about the relationship and what it is. It all sounds to intense.

I think you need to create distance and have very strong boundaries. No meeting privately. No private chats. No sharing sexual or intimate information. If you feel anything sexual for him you need to cut off the friendship. No good will come of it.

It is a crush

You probably do also connect with him as a person, in a different way than you do your husband

In the hands of an idiot this would be a dangerous combo, but obviously you aren't, so you just have to remind yourself v v firmly that it is a crush and will pass.

Give unnecessary contact a swerve for your own sake, and make sure to put extra effort into your marriage

It will pass, and you may well be left with a great mate.

YOu want him to become long term best friends?!!

Op - I have zero judgement of anyone for having a crush or fantasy - but you are completely deluding yourself

You have internal mentionitis, you are clearly thinking about this guy far too much - how would you feel if your Husband was online writing this post about an attractive younger woman?

the best thing you can do is avoid contact with this guy as much as possible

Stayed married long term is VERY hard! Even when you really love your husband. You need to avoid overly tempting situations!

I really do believe that to protect a marriage you have to be aware of early signs of too much connection with other men...and I say that as someone who is friendly/loves making new friends myself.

If someone is referring to it as a special friendship to your face, take a guess at what is being said when you’re not there

Of all the things to get noticed for at work, you never want your boss to notice you for a ‘friendship’ you’ve started with a colleague. Especially when that colleague is single, you are married and he’s a decade younger. Imagine the optics if the sexes were switched.

I’d back away from this asap. For your career in the long term if nothing else.

Truth be told the title was done quickly and I forgot to go back and edit it and you can’t edit the title later but you can edit the content - hence the edit.

but I do take your points about being less funny with each other, towe the line. I think for some the idea of seeing and texting out of work would be weird but in our relationship it isn’t a huge deal, my husband calls and texts his female colleagues a lot and has a big joint WhatsApp group as well where they all joke and take the mick of each other - totally platonic.

And this is it - I can see my friendship with this guy at work in a similar vein to my husband’s friendships but maybe I’m worried as it’s more 1 on 1 and not in a group although we do hand out with others at work a lot too, we just have a very similar humour.

I have developed really strong feelings quickly but as mentioned not attraction, I’m not getting butterflies, it’s more like I miss him like a best friend/family member maybe? But then that feels really quick for this to have happened and also he’s obviously a colleague. I have a number of very good friendships started at work as an adult so again I don’t find that weird, but it’s all girls and all my age, and some of them moved a lot slower but not all, I do tend to just love a person who I click with quite quickly

Thank you for this, that’s the hope that it just lightens up a bit but becomes a friendship. I appreciate this.

You're on dangerous ground OP; your gushy post shows the headspace you're giving this colleague. It's not normal to be this involved with a colleague unless there were romantic feelings involved.

I work in a team of 15 men and one other woman and no way would I have written that about any of them and we all get on really well. Be careful.

100% we dont meet privately or talk about intimate sexy stuff or anything like that. Thank you for your opinion on the way I’m talking and your insight of you having a best male friend in the long run. It’s lovely you guys rerouted your relationship into friendship.

I dont get it. You don't HOPE it lightens up. You MAKE it lighten up. You're in a relationship. Give your head a wobble

Yes I get that, I see what you’re saying.

Ok thanks everyone, noted and thanks for all the opinions - this has been really helpful

Same old same old, funny how no one, male or female ever makes these amazing connections with their work colleagues, in your case, 55 year old Barry in accounts, it’s always always someone far younger than them.

Ask yourself and answer honestly-

Do you find him attractive?

I cringed so hard reading this. You need to catch a grip and have more respect for your DH.

You said your husband was friends with lesbians

and for the life of me your title is a red flag even if you did it quickly..in that moment you meant it surely - that in itself red flag

your analysing this too much for it to be entirely platonic

So awful for your husband. You are married...you need to make a decision because basically allowing yourself to fall into what sounds like the start of an affair is just horrible! Either you want your husband and your marraige or you want the teenage fun with a young guy at work.

Well your headline says your falling in love with him? If your just mates, genuinely just mates with absolutely 0 ill intentions then whats the point in making the post? Yes men and women can be friends. And if your husband is fine with it, you'd be fine with your husband being in a similar friendship with a 20 something year old female work colleague and you have no physical interest in this man then i really do not get the purpose of this post what so ever