Falling in love with someone else but trying not to

[SsecretSsquirrel]

This will be a long one.

First off I am married to my best friend, he is great, no one is prefect but he's damn near close. I find him very attractive and he's lovely and kind and I couldn't ask for more. I also wasn't looking for anything extra marital at all and I didn't even notice this guy at first.

So I (mid 30s) work with a younger guy (mid 20s) and we got put on a project together. It's a creative tech industry and so he is learning off of me and my level and it's also a social industry - you go to conferences after work and drinks etc, particularly if you are newer in your career (him) or trying to stay relevant with all the AI stuff coming in (me).

Essentially we get on like best friends. We just got chatting and we have so much in common including countries we grew up in. He's a labrador type of guy and I'm the same, I just fall in love with kind people. He's friendly and sweet, we have the same humour, and at first I though he had a crush on me because he kept following me to get coffee or lunch and saves me a seat at work, invites me to conferences. People at work noticed how close we were getting and some catty people made silly comments.

Long story short this has been building for months now and I try to avoid him a bit now (like the days he's in or sitting near him), I don't want to talk to him more than anyone else at work, I went away and didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks, and then we got back to work and it was just like no time had passed, we just laugh till we cry. I think I remind him of his family which he's very close to and the only way I can describe it is pure true love like I love him as a lovely sweet perfect person who brings more joy into the world just by being here (which sounds mushy but I am mushy).

Essentially I want him to find a girlfriend, I don't want to disrupt anything in my life. But I've never felt so strongly for someone so quickly. I don't think I fancy him but I think about him a lot and that feels awful. Does anyone have friendships like this? I really wish male / female friendships worked out more but then I don't know if this is something I should cut off given the age difference and closeness? I've spoken openly about my husband to him and vica versa and invited my husband to a work even to meet everyone and make it all above board. But I miss him more than I expect to when we've had a day of fun and laughter together and I think it's pretty obvious to anyone around us that we both just think the world of each other. Our boss calls us a special little friendship (which makes us sound like school kids 😝) and he said I'm one of his favourite people at work. At the Christmas party he signed us up to do karaoke together, and I mingled and danced with others and had a blast, and then later I sat and he came and sat by me and we were chatting and then time had just flown and I realised all of our team were elsewhere and we had just laughed and joked for ages.

Last points - he's a fair bit younger than me, we have each others phone numbers and have sent the odd work thing when we were on an AI project together and the deadline was coming up but it was purely work and it's because with flexi hours you don't always know if people are at their desk. I think he's just a very sweet friendly younger guy. I don't know what I expect here just maybe a sense check or I just want to confess, I don't know. I tell my husband all the time 'oh I love him, oh I love her' about friends and stuff and I've said it about this guy, I'm really trying to be transparent and honest and respectful.

Edit: Just reread the title and it's a bit strong. I wouldn't say I'm falling in love but just it does feel like I love him like a best friend or something and very quickly, but it makes me sad because this doesn't feel sustainable. Yet every time I think 'he's going to find some girl he likes at work or new friend group' he doesn't he's just always there and we have a laugh. I have a lot of work friendships but only a select few I have any meaningful conversations and he's one of those.

Is he definitely straight? Could he be gay and you’re his work mum?

This!

You’re having an emotional affair and thinking too much about this guy. You know you are falling in love. The fact you’re on here makes me think you’re obsessed. The question is are you prepared to implode your marriage?!

This guy has nothing to lose really. He is young and being flattered by attention at work. Having an intimate relationship is only a matter of time to him and then he’ll move on. They always do. He is not in a committed relationship. You are. You have more to lose in this scenario (husband, work reputation, job, friends), so why? You have highlighted that you feel connected to this guy all day while laughing and working together. Maybe your marriage is in a rut at the moment - very normal for many couples. So you have your old slipper at home who is the stable man you married versus this younger man who is fun, full of energy and is appealing to you in many ways. Even your boss has made a comment (not good by the way). The answer is, you cannot be more than work colleagues with this guy if you want to stay married, as you are romantically inclined towards him already. You say no butterflies but there is a lot more you have said to indicate infatuation.

I have to say I also find your boss's comments pretty weird. Perhaps they seem less so in context - but the context would basically have to be discussing how special you are, and how much time does he spend doing that in a typical week?

You might not fancy him but he might fancy you. So be the bigger person and back off. Just cool off or it will get screwed up for one of you.

Super inappropriate

Read the book ‘not just friends’ by Glass.

Read Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell.

You are already cheating as you are clearly having an emotional affair. Affairs aren’t cute, or romantic they are a series of steps and choices. You need to ask yourself what are you getting from this and are you prepared to betray yourself to get it.

You say your husband is your best friend. That may be true but you are not his best friend as best friends don’t do this to one another.

You list your spouses good points. What do you offer your spouse? What are your good points? Because I’m not sure he signed up to marriage where you ‘were not looking for anything extra marital’.

I prefer to consider why some people don’t cheat. I don’t cheat for me. My spouse, who is irritating at times, does not influence my decision to remain faithful. I am faithful for me. I stood up and said vows in front of my friends and family. My words meant something to me. I don’t cheat for me as I wasn’t to like the person I see in the mirror. I have to look at myself each morning for the rest of my life and I want to like who I see. It’s so very easy to cheat - there’s always someone you can flirt with/shag etc. But I choose not to. My husband cannot influence my decision. (In fact it’s bonkers to suggest his behaviour can cause me to remain faithful, because then that gives me an excuse to cheat if he’s not ‘meeting my needs’). I am faithful for ME and my husband is my collateral damage.

You appear to have a but in your fidelity. I am faithful but an emotional affair doesn’t count. I am faithful but it’s okay if we are from the same home country and have lots in common. I am faithful but falling in love is okay if my spouse doesn’t know about it.

What should you do? Change job and never speak to this man again. Or tell your husband and let him decide if you are still his best friend - give him agency.

Cheats aren’t prizes. Faithful, caring, hardworking, loyal spouses are the real prize in life.

John Gottmans work - buy seven principals of making marriage work. And Gottmans dates book for your husband. Read together and do the exercises.

So what’s the problem then?

100% this is an emotional affair. You need to either leave your husband or get a new job.

Imagine if a guy was going on like this with a younger work colleague, when he had a wife at home.

Have you not read any of the hundreds of threads on here about "my husband & female working colleague"?

One further point.

If your husband finds out and splits up with you. Crush man doesn’t work out. You go on a first date and you are asked by the handsome chap in front of you:

’why did you split with your husband’

Do you answer:

A) I cheated on him.

A decent man will not have a follow up date, you aren’t worth the risk. Why would anyone looking for a relationship want one with someone who can have an EA behind the back of their best mate, attractive husband?

B) lie and say ‘oh we fell out of love, it fizzled out’.

Therefore continuing being a liar. But now lying from day one of a date.

Cheating has long term consequences. I could cheat on my husband, I’ve had propositions and opportunity. But I close the door and cut the man off. I never want to be in that situation above. For ME!

The grass is greener where you water it. If you love your husband as you say you do, you need to wise up and dial this ‘friendship’ right back. I have great male friends, I have never talked about them the way you talk about this guy because I love my husband, and if he thought I was behaving like this he would be heartbroken. Where does your love and loyalty really lie?

This is the most spectacular back pedal I've ever seen on MN.