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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am so sad and fed up, i have had a fall out with my sis.

51 replies

deanychip · 10/06/2008 13:49

She says that i provide no boundries for my child and that i let him be as loud as he wants and as wild as he wants to be.
she says that i allow him to jump on furniture and that he is distructive and a brat.

OP posts:

Dior · 10/06/2008 13:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 13:56

we parent very differently.

i let him make stepping stones across a river full of crocodiles with the cushions from the settee...this is deliberately making a mess to her.

he is loud...she is intollerant of noise and becomes irritated.

he is and always has been distructive, he faces punishment for this....and has supervision to prevent this.
sigh, why cant she jsut let me do things my own way?

she says that this is unnacceptable behaviour at my house and defo at other peoples houses, that i am giving him mixed messages about what is acceptable and what isnt.

btw i NEVER take him to her well ordered house.

she actively hates my son and has told me that she wants him for a week, he will be a different kid if she has him,....she will sort him out.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/06/2008 13:58

does she have any sons?

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:01

one. he is 6, quiet as amouse, a very calm well behaved litle chap, lovely perfect child. she says that is because of the way that she is with him, i think that this is his personality any way,

mine on the other hand has never sat and watched a film, is on the go from early morning till bed time. he is 4.

OP posts:

queenrollo · 10/06/2008 14:04

i've got a little boy who is a noisy livewire......and an adorable, funny and very imaginative little chap with it.
He's hard work at times but i wouldn't want him any other way.
Is she this bossy/argumentative generally?

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:08

errr DEFO YES!
She is opinionated and hates HATES children.

you know what upsets me is that i struggle every single dy with my boy, many of my friends dislike him and i chose very carefully where we go and who we meet.
he is the way he is surely?

OP posts:

singyswife · 10/06/2008 14:09

Your ds sounds like my dd (5) and you sound like a similar kind of parent to me. I would make stepping stones out of cushions etc. Does your sisters child get to play/use his imagination etc. I bet if you had him for a week you would find he had an absolute ball. I wouldnt worry about it, just explain to her that as your sister she should respect the way you are bringing up your child( had a huge argument with my dad the other week about the same thing, he couldnt keep his mouth shut about how I was raising my children). If she cannot respect this and you still want to have a relationship with her then you will have to arrange a time when there are no children, that way the conflict can be avaoided.

CarGirl · 10/06/2008 14:10

Okay I will be very honest!

I would probably find it hard to visit your house and would prefer to meet up in the playground! I would probably have kittens if he came to my house as started lots of loud indoor games but I have 4 pretty quiet dds.

However I completely agree it is personality, you say he is destructive and you punish him for this and supervise to prevent this happening. Good on you, you sound like a fab parent who lets her ds be who he is whilst maintaining boundaries.

Plus he's only 4 and sounds very much like 95% of the boys I know!

I think your sister needs to learn some manners she sounds quite vile.

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:12

Singy, did you sort it out with your dad?
how did you deal with his opinions?

Im not bothered about "stuff",
my sis child isnt allowed noisy toys, present that are "messy" she doesnt allow him to unpack...it goes to the charity shop as soon as she can get there.

OP posts:

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:15

you say that you would find it hard to visit my house but it cant be all that bad as we always have a house ful of every one elses kids, family and friends and they have a nice time...then tidy up afterwards, shove them out in the garden in this lovely weather.

i just cant be bothered telling him to shut up and be quiet all of the time, he is 4 id be at him constantly!

OP posts:

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:17

lol we do however have "indoor voice" and "outdoor voice" which he responds well to.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/06/2008 14:17

My dds are allowed to do messy play and have some noisy toys (a few have been banished after no-one could tolerate them any longer) but I don't allow stuff like standing/jumping/climbing on furniture at home because I don't think it is acceptable in other peoples homes.

I think your sister is completely off the wall I don't know how you can sort it out with her. Perhaps you need to tell her firmly that you love your son the way he is and love her son they way he is and you don't want to change either of them. Her poor son

Kewcumber · 10/06/2008 14:17

I have a lively DS too and allow him more leeway than most people I think. However I do try not to coop him up in other peoples homes. Outside of that none of her business.

Besdies which why is quiet and well behaved better in a four year old than happy and lively? I'm not suggesting all four year olds should be allowed to roam unfettered but I have surprised my rather sedate self but rather liking my DS's joie de vivre, I wish I could be more like him!

singyswife · 10/06/2008 14:18

I resolved things with my dad as I told him that I could not come back to the house if he did not respect the way I was bringing up my children. I told him that he didnt have to agree with how I was doing it but he had to respect me enough to keep his mouth shut and let me raise MY children, in the way that I saw fit. He apolgised and has tried very hard since to keep his mouth shut. All is fine now and the kids dont get yelled at by him every time we go round.

I feel sorry for your sisters little boy, poor little lad must have no idea of what it is like to make a mess/noise and let his imagination run away with him. I think you sound like a great parent, you accept your child for who he is and you allow him to be himself but at the same time give solid boundaries. I think your sister needs to get a grip personally. I would speak to her and if she isnt willing to keep out of it then I would have to be meeting her somewhere public where the kids could play. On the other hand she should NOT be coming round to your house and telling you what to do, that is totally not on. Hope you work it out, it is awful when you fall out with someone.

queenrollo · 10/06/2008 14:19

i find people can be intolerant of kids.....who are doing nothing more than being kids.

I don't want a little boy who sits quietly, i want a little boy who runs and climbs and bakes and feeds me pretend cake, and makes me climb in the tent in the garden to hide from the dragon that is coming to get us.
I draw the line at destructive behaviour too, and he has learnt to be a calmer boy when we are out and about, but i wouldn't take him anywhere where i knew his behaviour would be disruptive or too noisy for other people.

I have friends with kids who sit quietly, and play quietly....it's just the nature of their kids, but i also have friends whose kids are like this because they've been so strict with them they've flattened any spirit they had to begin with.

Flier · 10/06/2008 14:20

hmm, I feel sorry for your nephew. your ds sounds pretty normal for a 4 year old to me, but it is down to personality - you are allowing your ds to have one and your sis is quashing your nephews.

Kewcumber · 10/06/2008 14:20

I allow jumping/standing/climbing on certian bits of furniture, even at two he knows that he can't do it at other peoples houses and that he is allowed to climb on his own little table but not on our main kitchen table for example or that he is allowed to jump on the beds.

CarGirl · 10/06/2008 14:20

ah you see if I visited you we would then have at least 4, if not 5 children all getting very over excited and noisy and screetchy (have you experienced 4 screetching girls?????)

I'm sure it's great fun at your house though, my girls would love it, I'd be reaching for a glass of wine to try and relax/chill

Kewcumber · 10/06/2008 14:21

snap and X-posted Queen Rollo! Hurrah for lively boys!

singyswife · 10/06/2008 14:22

Yeah I think my dd's would love it at your house too. Can we all come over for a playdate lol

Kewcumber · 10/06/2008 14:22

yeah where are you deanychip, me and my DS will join in!

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:23

Thanks singy, you make good sense. still feel awful and shitty about it.

We are discussing this all via email because she is not the kind of person to argue with face to face as she is vicious and down right evil when rubbed up the wrong way.

i can put things down better in words and keep calmer.not get flustered.

dont know if this can be resolved.
in the meantime, i havent seen my dn for weeks and he and my son a re very good pals, he has a ball at our house. she says this is because he can do what the hell he wants with no rules so he take advantage.....he doesnt.

OP posts:

queenrollo · 10/06/2008 14:24

right....party at deanychip's house....

would you like to invite your sister round, i'm sure she'd love to meet us and our noisy, lively children

Original poster

deanychip · 10/06/2008 14:26

ha!
you are all welcome and we would have a lovely time.

got a tent under my dining eoom table at the mo....tessies are guarding it while he is a t schoolll!!!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/06/2008 14:26

I'm really not sure what you can do, apart from say that you miss your dn and you are happy to have him anytime with or without her there

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