How are men like this?

[Brood]

I was dating a guy casually for two years. We had our ups and downs during this time and after initially telling me he wanted something serious, including more kids, he later decided things got to too complicated and he just wanted something casual. Aside from a few weeks here and there, he texted me pretty much every day for two years - good mornings, good nights.

When we met up we had a great time together, he always pampered me with my favourite drinks and we felt like family.

He had a complicated situation where he had kids with two different women. This meant they were on different schedules and he had kids 4-5/7 days a week, so according to him he didn’t have much free time.

Overtime his lack of availability and martyrdom became quite draining especially as he insisted on texting every day, which drained my time but it was difficult to get to meet.

The last week I was in touch with him we were due to meet twice and he cancelled both times due to apparent unexpected last minute childcare demands. (I find this very hard to believe). One day we had arranged to meet in the evening, I stayed in work late expecting to go over to his afterwards but it got later and later and he didn’t contact me at all. I have a very long drive home from work, very early mornings and I’d arranged a house sitter.

When I contacted him to check what was happening, he said he’d lost track of the whole day and we could meet next week. I was really angry that he would disrespect my time like that, and I let him know I found it unacceptable.

He responded by blocking me and hasn’t spoke to me since. I’m wondering how can men behave like this.. Do you think it’s possible for someone to disconnect like that and not miss some they texted daily for years? I don’t get it. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two versions of this guy I’ve experienced. Has anyone any advice or insight?

The question is more how you allowed yourself to be treated like this for so long.

This nails it really.

Agree. OP you accepted being thrown a few crumbs for 2 years and now you’re surprised he’s checked out of something he was never really committed to.

His kids are his priority - as they should be.

Everyone has priorities, I don’t think that excuses poor behaviour. In fact, I think it’s disrespectful to his kids to use them as scapegoats for his shortcomings

As in that I didn’t cut him off?

I assume you've kept him separate from your kids, OP, if it's a casual relationship? Or do you not have any?

I agree - I’ve certainly heard stories from friends where the men were using their kids as an excuse but barely saw them / barely contributed - and I always challenge my friends on this. They tell themselves the story that they are only been treated badly as the man is a good father - and my answer is always “maybe in this particular case they did choose prioritise the kid, who knows, but in general they are clearly not a good, involved father as otherwise they would see them more/support them more”.

Learn to prioritise yourself.

Reading WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH would be a good start.

There are men who aren't like this.

I'd not touch a man who had 2 different 'families' with two different women (and presumably never married to either.)

He's a walking red flag.

You've just been a crutch for him for 2 years. Texting daily when it's nothing more than FWB is crazy .

He's strung you along.
You should have ended it once he told you it wasn't going anywhere.

I'm sorry but you need to raise the bar and have more self-worth.
He's used you, presumably for occasional sex and a brain dump of his emotions. but not a lot else.

Buying your favourite drink isn't exactly showing you respect, care and valuing you.

Have you ever experienced real love and respect from anyone?

after initially telling me he wanted something serious, including more kids,
you were contemplating becoming the third woman he had kids with? You’ve had a lucky escape 😟

I don't think he's been dishonest, he said he wanted something casual. Generally that veers towards FWB and negates either of your rights to get emotionally invested (although human nature makes it hard not to have emotions).

I agree. I don’t know if it’s possible that a man can be a good parent and yet treat women badly. The way a parent treats others is what is modelled to their kids. I also don’t think good parents use their kids as an excuse for their poor behaviour. That seems like a form of emotional abuse. It’s also detrimental for a child’s self esteem to hear their parent blame them for how they treat others, for missing out, for their own choices, poor time management etc. instead of the parent taking responsibility for themselves. The best parents I know barely talk about their kids. It’s like that saying that those who talk the most do the least. And if you are a good, decent person, you tend to treat others well because that’s what’s in you. The way we do some things is the way we do most things. So I don’t believe there are good fathers who treat people badly because who they are is who their children watch. It’s just an excuse. We all need to prioritise some things at some times and other things at other times. If we don’t go into work, we won’t have a job. If you don’t treat a romantic relationship as important, just like any relationship in life, you won’t have one

What has this got to do with him not wanting to see you?
The way I see this is that he wants to end things with you and is using his kids as an excuse. I'm sure his kids know nothing about you.
It's a line he's spinning you!

You've been strung along as a friend with benefits for 2 years.

Now he can't even offer that you're questioning him.

He sounds utterly unreliable, selfish and unable to maintain a relationship with any woman.

RUN and find a decent man.

There's no doubt that his behaviour is appalling.

But you accepted it. And you're still focused on figuring him out.

Stop. Delete his number. Then block him.

Then spend some time figuring out what you want. Did you actually want a casual relationship? If not, then why did you let it carry on so long. Start thinking of yourself and your time as valuable. And yourself as deserving of being treated well.

What does being treated well look like to you? I feel like you think that his good morning and good night texts mean something. They really dont. Texting that takes 5 seconds. And it means nothing. Take away all the text communications between you and look at what's left. That's the relationship. That's what you mean to him.

If you want a healthy successful relationship you first need to understand what that would look like. This means really understanding yourself, thinking about boundaries, thinking about priorities. Don't waste time thinking about what makes him the way he is. That will not serve you.

I’ve been very lucky with family and friends. I have a very large extended family who I know value me and treat me very well. Romantic relationships have been very complicated - I think due to early traumatic experiences in my teens. I’ve done so much work on myself. I’ve seen all my family members meet ideal partners but I seem to attract guys when I’m at my best and I end up a shell afterwards. I used to move on from guys very quickly but I’ve been trying to stick with relationships and work through difficulties in recent years - being brave etc. but maybe I’ve invested in the wrong person. It’s hard to believe someone who seemed such a good fit in some ways could be so heartless at the back of it all

I think my sister dated him... 2 lots of kids with 2 different women, no time to meet after initial love-bombing, not turning up for dates, then excuses... she got rid fairly quick! He didn't care particularly. He probably had others on the go - he had a v magnetic personality.
Seriously though, there's a lot of it about, & the answer is - men are like this because women are charmed, think they've met 'the one' and accept it.

I initially wasn’t interested in him at all and he convinced me we would make a lovely blended family. I found out over time he had left both mothers of his others children shortly after the babies were born and he despised both of them for very alarming reasons. He calls them psychos. He met me when his second child was only a few months old. He’s extremely charming. I’m very hard to win over and he completely hooked me in.

… I seem to attract guys when I’m at my best and I end up a shell afterwards. I used to move on from guys very quickly but I’ve been trying to stick with relationships and work through difficulties in recent years - being brave etc. but maybe I’ve invested in the wrong person

Your relationship pattern is all too common. Read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. I promise you will find it useful.

He was definitely not a good fit op.

You deserve someone who doesn't bread crumb you and have 2 separate families, what a headache navigating that.

Someone with less baggage and to do all the firsts with, is what I'd recommend for in the future.

@Brood With respect, you really are not that "hard to win over" if you were charmed by a man whose second child with a second woman was months old when you met!!
How did you envisage becoming a blended family was going to work?
Are you very young?

Okay so this was the massive red flag you missed.

Any man who despises the mother/s of his children ESPECIALLY when he is quite happy to let those mothers do the majority of parenting said children, is a bad egg.

How are you "hard to win over" when you fell into a FWB relationship for two years with a walking red flag that most women would be running away from quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite? You sound like a complete pushover to me!

This isn't a man thing, this is a dickhead thing, and a your lack of boundaries thing.

He told you exactly what he wanted, something casual, something where he could drop you in an instant. He showed you who he was, someone who'd had multiple kids and then ditched the Mums.

And you just said "OK", and kept seeing him.

This is on you as much as it is on him.

I'm not a man and I wouldn't really miss someone of have difficulty disconnecting after 2 years of daily texts and little face to face time. Texts mean nothing, if he really wanted you he would've made more of an effort to see you. If he contacts you again, don't engage with him. He has wasted your time. If he's not interested in commitment after 2 years he never will be.

Men can be like this. I’ve had it happen to me one minute txting you all the time then next nothing i think you had a lucky escape! And shame on him not being there for the women that just had his baby instead he out chatting someone else up calling her a psycho funny how we always end up the psychos it’s never there fault is it! that would have been a instant red flag ! I just would not waste my time or another thought on him don’t do what I did I was in relationship for 7yrs and funnily enough me and his ex before were called psychos! That what he is going around saying about you now more then likely so don’t waste your life on someone that had no intention of giving you a relationship that you truly deserve