Page 3 | How are men like this?

Brood · 2025-12-10T21:22:53+00:00

I was dating a guy casually for two years. We had our ups and downs during this time and after initially telling me he wanted something serious, including more kids, he later decided things got to too complicated and he just wanted something casual. Aside from a few weeks here and there, he texted me pretty much every day for two years - good mornings, good nights. When we met up we had a great time together, he always pampered me with my favourite drinks and we felt like family. He had a complicated situation where he had kids with two different women. This meant they were on different schedules and he had kids 4-5/7 days a week, so according to him he didn’t have much free time. Overtime his lack of availability and martyrdom became quite draining especially as he insisted on texting every day, which drained my time but it was difficult to get to meet. The last week I was in touch with him we were due to meet twice and he cancelled both times due to apparent unexpected last minute childcare demands. (I find this very hard to believe). One day we had arranged to meet in the evening, I stayed in work late expecting to go over to his afterwards but it got later and later and he didn’t contact me at all. I have a very long drive home from work, very early mornings and I’d arranged a house sitter. When I contacted him to check what was happening, he said he’d lost track of the whole day and we could meet next week. I was really angry that he would disrespect my time like that, and I let him know I found it unacceptable. He responded by blocking me and hasn’t spoke to me since. I’m wondering how can men behave like this.. Do you think it’s possible for someone to disconnect like that and not miss some they texted daily for years? I don’t get it. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two versions of this guy I’ve experienced. Has anyone any advice or insight?

Squishedpassenger · 12/12/2025 07:23

Brood · 10/12/2025 22:15

I agree. I don’t know if it’s possible that a man can be a good parent and yet treat women badly. The way a parent treats others is what is modelled to their kids. I also don’t think good parents use their kids as an excuse for their poor behaviour. That seems like a form of emotional abuse. It’s also detrimental for a child’s self esteem to hear their parent blame them for how they treat others, for missing out, for their own choices, poor time management etc. instead of the parent taking responsibility for themselves. The best parents I know barely talk about their kids. It’s like that saying that those who talk the most do the least. And if you are a good, decent person, you tend to treat others well because that’s what’s in you. The way we do some things is the way we do most things. So I don’t believe there are good fathers who treat people badly because who they are is who their children watch. It’s just an excuse. We all need to prioritise some things at some times and other things at other times. If we don’t go into work, we won’t have a job. If you don’t treat a romantic relationship as important, just like any relationship in life, you won’t have one

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Yeah you're stretching here. Honestly it sounds like he might jave forgotten that day. Why didnt you text him much earlier on or the evening before?

Treating a new woman well isn't going to raise his kid's self esteem.

bigboykitty · 12/12/2025 07:23

He's a classic dismissive avoidant @Brood . They can destroy your self-esteem, if you let them. He's probably also a really shit dad - he just uses his 'parenting commitments' to avoid other responsibilities. No doubt he cancels on his kids too. Check out dadhugsforyoursoul in all the usual social media places. He's breadcrumbing you.

BeNoisyFish · 12/12/2025 07:23

motherofdragons11 · 12/12/2025 07:17

Uncalled for comment, that no doubt will make OP feel even more low. But continue to kick a dog when it's down as opposed to practical advice that doesn't involve derogatory comments.

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Sometimes people need a reality check! And a sense of humor!!

ACynicalDad · 12/12/2025 07:24

Quite generalising about men based on a wrong un. But yes, the red flags were there and you ignored them and wondered why you couldn’t change him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

GreyCarpet · 12/12/2025 07:27

And finally...

we could all use the excuse “they allowed me to bully them/disrespect them” but if you have boundaries you won’t cross with people and don’t have the heart to mistreat people, you won’t do it even if you could.

You have also misunderstood what boundaries are.

Boundaries are for what we will decide we will accept from others. Other people will have different boundaries to you. So you have to know what your boundaries are and recognise when people are crossing them.

Another example. I don't answer the phone after 10pm. I know people for whom 9pm is the cut off point. I know someone who doesn't asnwer the phone at all unless you've texted beforehand to arrange a time. One of my friends called me at 11.30pm once. I answered (in case it was important - he doesn't often phone) but told him that I wouldn't answer at that time again. None of us is wrong. We are just all different with different boundaries and expectations.

We apply our own boundaries to ourselves. If you rely on other people having the same boundaries as you, you will be disappointed at some point. As you have discovered.

ChristmasinBrighton · 12/12/2025 07:31

@Brood I have been in your situation, along with other posters who are trying to help you.

The only way to recover from this is to stop thinking about him. Why he did this or that, why he’s the way he is. It’s none of your business.

Far better to focus on yourself. Why did you get into such a shitty situation with a loser. Basically, what’s wrong with you?

Block this man on everything and work on yourself.

PersephonePomegranate · 12/12/2025 07:35

Two kids with two different women? That already sounds stressful enough, what were you thinking?

I'm intrigued at where the martyrdom comes in?

tragichero · 12/12/2025 07:49

I am sorry you are hurt, OP.

The things is, for some of us, the relationship this guy was offering would be perfect. It sounds very like mine with my FWB. We meet about once a month (and it's magical when we do). Otherwise we text daily (we are friends, after all, we were before the benefits started and we will be after they end).

This suits me perfectly, as I have a busy life - a kid, work, caring responsibilities, friends who need me, etc. In fact I gave up internet dating because the blokes (the nicer ones I hit it off with) wanted to see me every weekend or something, and it felt like more than I could cope with.

It's possible to hold someone in very high regard but not want to see them all the time.

Anyway, the important thing is that you work out what YOU want, and next time insist on it from the start. Keep your boundaries high, my love. One thing I have learnt, the hard way, is that nobody else will do that for you.

Good luck.

JudgeBread · 12/12/2025 14:02

motherofdragons11 · 12/12/2025 07:17

Uncalled for comment, that no doubt will make OP feel even more low. But continue to kick a dog when it's down as opposed to practical advice that doesn't involve derogatory comments.

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You say uncalled for, I say that a person in such huge denial about their own failure to recognise this man as an absolute loser might need a bit of a wake up call, or she's just going to end up falling into shite relationship after shite relationship, believing she's "hard to win over" when she's actually a red flag magnet.

DinoSoar · 12/12/2025 14:09

Brood · 11/12/2025 23:23

He didn’t actually say he wanted something casual until later on. He was the one who pursued me and convinced me he wanted something serious. He asked me what kind of engagement ring I’d like, told me I was marriage material, convinced me he had time, reassurance all my doubts, talked about our future. It was only after I was already hooked that I had a feeling something wasn’t right but I couldn’t explain what it was. I had nothing tangible to point to. He had pretty convincing stories about his exes treated him terribly and how he was so traumatised by the whole thing. I had major ick at the beginning because he told awful jokes and the way he spoke about women gave me chills sometimes. Likewise how he spoke about his kids. He seemed really smart but then would say things that were so ridiculous. Like he said one of the mothers of his kids “trapped him” like he had no part to play in it at all. He seemed to be the victim in every situation with women and had no insight into his part in any relationship. I just found that reporting very unlikely and unbalanced but he had so many good other qualities that I thought on balance I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

it was only overtime cracks started to show. He got extremely jealous if I got attention or compliments from other men no matter how harmless. He seemed incredibly insecure in ways. I had a bad feeling that his actions didn’t match his words even though I had no real proof. He’d get very over-reactive if I didn’t text him back for a day and accuse me of radio silence, stone walling or ghosting him. He didn’t want me dating anyone else or even leaving his sight if I was with him. He’d make threats to leave if I drew attention from other men.

It wasn’t until after we went on break - after that he said things had changed and he said it was because of the stress of his kids and his “psycho exes” that it wasn’t a good time but he still wanted to keep seeing me and he said long term he saw himself settling down with me

it sounds bad because now it’s all come together but it was quite gradual that I started to realise things about him I didn’t see at the start.

He did some terrible things that I dismissed because I felt so good around him. The only reason I started seeing him was because he convinced me he was serious and he kept dangling that carrot. Even when we were casual he always told me he cared a lot about me. These guys are very smart

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He is a fantasist. And a bully and seriously unhinged.

Surely you should have run a mile when he started to talk about an engagement ring when he already had children with two other women, neither of whom he'd settled with?

Stop looking at all men as 'marriage material' and start seeing them as MEN and decide if they are lucky enough to have you.

How old are , as a matter of interest?

BlueberryOats · 12/12/2025 15:30

Brood · 11/12/2025 23:23

He didn’t actually say he wanted something casual until later on. He was the one who pursued me and convinced me he wanted something serious. He asked me what kind of engagement ring I’d like, told me I was marriage material, convinced me he had time, reassurance all my doubts, talked about our future. It was only after I was already hooked that I had a feeling something wasn’t right but I couldn’t explain what it was. I had nothing tangible to point to. He had pretty convincing stories about his exes treated him terribly and how he was so traumatised by the whole thing. I had major ick at the beginning because he told awful jokes and the way he spoke about women gave me chills sometimes. Likewise how he spoke about his kids. He seemed really smart but then would say things that were so ridiculous. Like he said one of the mothers of his kids “trapped him” like he had no part to play in it at all. He seemed to be the victim in every situation with women and had no insight into his part in any relationship. I just found that reporting very unlikely and unbalanced but he had so many good other qualities that I thought on balance I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

it was only overtime cracks started to show. He got extremely jealous if I got attention or compliments from other men no matter how harmless. He seemed incredibly insecure in ways. I had a bad feeling that his actions didn’t match his words even though I had no real proof. He’d get very over-reactive if I didn’t text him back for a day and accuse me of radio silence, stone walling or ghosting him. He didn’t want me dating anyone else or even leaving his sight if I was with him. He’d make threats to leave if I drew attention from other men.

It wasn’t until after we went on break - after that he said things had changed and he said it was because of the stress of his kids and his “psycho exes” that it wasn’t a good time but he still wanted to keep seeing me and he said long term he saw himself settling down with me

it sounds bad because now it’s all come together but it was quite gradual that I started to realise things about him I didn’t see at the start.

He did some terrible things that I dismissed because I felt so good around him. The only reason I started seeing him was because he convinced me he was serious and he kept dangling that carrot. Even when we were casual he always told me he cared a lot about me. These guys are very smart

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I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'd recommend having counselling.