How are men like this?

[Brood]

I was dating a guy casually for two years. We had our ups and downs during this time and after initially telling me he wanted something serious, including more kids, he later decided things got to too complicated and he just wanted something casual. Aside from a few weeks here and there, he texted me pretty much every day for two years - good mornings, good nights.

When we met up we had a great time together, he always pampered me with my favourite drinks and we felt like family.

He had a complicated situation where he had kids with two different women. This meant they were on different schedules and he had kids 4-5/7 days a week, so according to him he didn’t have much free time.

Overtime his lack of availability and martyrdom became quite draining especially as he insisted on texting every day, which drained my time but it was difficult to get to meet.

The last week I was in touch with him we were due to meet twice and he cancelled both times due to apparent unexpected last minute childcare demands. (I find this very hard to believe). One day we had arranged to meet in the evening, I stayed in work late expecting to go over to his afterwards but it got later and later and he didn’t contact me at all. I have a very long drive home from work, very early mornings and I’d arranged a house sitter.

When I contacted him to check what was happening, he said he’d lost track of the whole day and we could meet next week. I was really angry that he would disrespect my time like that, and I let him know I found it unacceptable.

He responded by blocking me and hasn’t spoke to me since. I’m wondering how can men behave like this.. Do you think it’s possible for someone to disconnect like that and not miss some they texted daily for years? I don’t get it. I’m not sure how to reconcile the two versions of this guy I’ve experienced. Has anyone any advice or insight?

First post

You arranged a flamin house sitter? No wonder this guy realised he could walk all over you

'Men' aren't like this.

This particular man was like this, and you can't change him. But you can walk away (and should have much sooner). Don't try to understand him or analyse him. Just realise he's poor relationship material and walk away.

He's treated ypu like this because you allowed him to.

Regardless of how many times he's let you down or cancelled last minute, you've still been ready and waiting for him.

Good morning/good evening texts are the lowest effort. I could have sent a dozen or more to different people this morning whilst drinking morning coffee if I'd wanted to without even getting out of bed.

You've put yourself on the back burner by accepting this. Shown yourself to have no respect for yourself or your time. He isn't going to respect you any more than you respect yourself.

Many men are like this; as soon as you put your needs in the picture they are off. They view women as domestic appliances, there to serve them only.

I am also always ending ip with these types. My dad was one.

it’s taken me years to realise what is happening and that I am always thinking ( without being aware) if I am good enough they will want me.

i am hoping to come to terms with the single life as sadly I am only ever attracted to these types.

yes read women who love too much and understand that you can not make men who don’t respect women behave well towards them . Good luck

Easy to say you should have known better. Hopefully you'll learn for next time. A man with kids by 2 different women is NOT a good prospect. What did you think he was going to do differently a third time around?

Also after he downgraded you to casual you should have downgraded him to dumped. Up your standards.

If you feel you are always meeting men like this, the trick is to express your needs sooner.

Not because its a trick or a test but because you are a whole person with needs too and a relationship isn't just about one person meeting the others needs.

In this respect, your needs can just be not being available everytime they ask; holding them to account when they let you down rather than just letting it go and if an explanation doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense for a reason.

Too many women start off in relationships trying to show that they are easy going and laid back and aren't 'high maintenance' when being a person with needs is none of those things. They let things go, don't challenge etc
They absorb the discomfort and the unsettledness rather than seeing it for what it is - a warning sign.

We all meet men like this. It's just that sometimes some women hide it from themselves with their own behaviour.

It doesn't mean you have to be single just worry more about whether they are someone who you want to be with rather than whether they like you enough 😉

Men are responsible for their own behaviour but women are also responsible.for what they accept.

And, if you're not already familiar, read up on the shark cage theory.

What do you mean by the traumatic experiences in your teens?

(Most of us experience painful breakups etc during our teens especially when dating immature boys who are in their teens.)

It’s hard to believe someone who seemed such a good fit in some ways could be so heartless at the back of it all.

But this is the point- how did you judge a man (who has had no permanent relationship with TWO women who had children by him) as a 'good fit'?

And he didn't treat you well. He's been heartless all along since you met him.
Very early on he made it clear he didn't want marriage or anything serious.
But you stuck with him, accepting the crumbs.

What you wanted and what he offered were different. But you didn't want to accept it. You showed poor judgement of his character.

This wasn't about working through difficulties. It was something that was never going anywhere. And his past relationship history shows he's unreliable.

You need to work on seeing the reality of situations long before you waste years on someone who's never going to give you what you want.

This is on you. If I'd been you, the very mention of two children by two women would have me heading for the door.

Yes

You need to look at the whole ealoty of a person and not just cherry puck the parts you like.

The less desirable parts are equally (if not more) important.

Hi,

thanks - however my point is the the only men I ever want/ am attracted to are like this- and sadly there are lots of women like this.

As I don’t want to be in a relationship like this I therefore have to be single - it’s ok!

^^ This

To be honest, it's worth more to wonder why you tolerated him and ponder your frame of mind to overlook a bunting of red flags than wonder why he was like that but for what it's worth, daily texts are nothing, it's like clocking in to work, mass text to all the women he's keeping around for if and when he wants a shag. You should to work on your self worth so that a guy like him wouldn't go further than hi how are you with you. Like, everyone knows anyone who says my ex is a psycho is a redflag...buying you a drink is nothing!! read the resources suggested here so you don't get involved with weirdos and losers.

He didn’t actually say he wanted something casual until later on. He was the one who pursued me and convinced me he wanted something serious. He asked me what kind of engagement ring I’d like, told me I was marriage material, convinced me he had time, reassurance all my doubts, talked about our future. It was only after I was already hooked that I had a feeling something wasn’t right but I couldn’t explain what it was. I had nothing tangible to point to. He had pretty convincing stories about his exes treated him terribly and how he was so traumatised by the whole thing. I had major ick at the beginning because he told awful jokes and the way he spoke about women gave me chills sometimes. Likewise how he spoke about his kids. He seemed really smart but then would say things that were so ridiculous. Like he said one of the mothers of his kids “trapped him” like he had no part to play in it at all. He seemed to be the victim in every situation with women and had no insight into his part in any relationship. I just found that reporting very unlikely and unbalanced but he had so many good other qualities that I thought on balance I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

it was only overtime cracks started to show. He got extremely jealous if I got attention or compliments from other men no matter how harmless. He seemed incredibly insecure in ways. I had a bad feeling that his actions didn’t match his words even though I had no real proof. He’d get very over-reactive if I didn’t text him back for a day and accuse me of radio silence, stone walling or ghosting him. He didn’t want me dating anyone else or even leaving his sight if I was with him. He’d make threats to leave if I drew attention from other men.

It wasn’t until after we went on break - after that he said things had changed and he said it was because of the stress of his kids and his “psycho exes” that it wasn’t a good time but he still wanted to keep seeing me and he said long term he saw himself settling down with me

it sounds bad because now it’s all come together but it was quite gradual that I started to realise things about him I didn’t see at the start.

He did some terrible things that I dismissed because I felt so good around him. The only reason I started seeing him was because he convinced me he was serious and he kept dangling that carrot. Even when we were casual he always told me he cared a lot about me. These guys are very smart

I was just agreeing with the poster in her response that his kids should be his priority. Personally I think that’s neither here nor there, and I think it’s a ridiculous thing to say to someone you’re looking to date. So yes; I agree. He wasn’t man enough to say what he wanted with his chest - he had to hide behind his kids and use them as scapegoats. I find the way he uses his kids more offensive and disgusting than the way he treated me. It’s just despicable. I could probably put a fairly solid bet on it that he’ll keep cycling through new empty relationships with different women until he dies. I suspect he craves novelty and as soon as women go from objects to real people, or as soon as he starts to feel something, he’s chickenshit and out of there.

Well we had arranged to meet at his house. I live an hour away from him. I expected it to go ahead so I made arrangements. He had said it may not work out and said he’d get back to me if he had to change plans but he never did

I’m so sorry OP but you’ve bagged a complete wrong’un there.

I would just block him in return and move on.

Not all men are like this!

He’s usually pretty reliable. If we make an arrangement I don’t usually even have to check, I know it’s happening. This was the first time he’d actually stood me up. Well I think just because someone can disrespect someone doesn’t mean they should. A good person wouldn’t see an opportunity to treat someone badly and exploit that. A good person will lift people up, treat them with respect… we could all use the excuse “they allowed me to bully them/disrespect them” but if you have boundaries you won’t cross with people and don’t have the heart to mistreat people, you won’t do it even if you could. I know lots of good people who have been taken advantage of but I hope they don’t change because of some bad eggs. I think you’re right in the sense that some people just don’t deserve our energy or our time and it’s important to not waste oneself on those kind of people

You know, I've read all the responses from other posters and all of your updates and you're missing the point people are making every time.

You posted asking about this man's behaviour but won't hear a word of explanation for it. And that's fine but there seems little point in asking if you're not even willing to try and understand.

Maybe time to accept your bar is very low. He sounds like a controlling loser who was using you. You have accepted things that most women would run from. He was not a catch and not particularly 'smart' as you say. He wasn't hiding his awfulness from what you have said. But you went with it anyway.

This isn’t to beat you down, but you need to look at yourself because you sound a bit vulnerable if you couldn’t see the many red flags he was waving in your face. Don't over analyse him - some people are just unpleasant- but look at what you can do to avoid putting yourself in this situation.

OP it’s mortifying to read your updates. Why are you even giving him headspace? For a few cocktails and empty words? Have some self respect and some boundaries next time.

Well I think just because someone can disrespect someone doesn’t mean they should. A good person wouldn’t see an opportunity to treat someone badly and exploit that. A good person will lift people up, treat them with respect…

Now it's no longer 3am...

Firstly, this suggests you are happy to be seen as someone who can be disrespected and just expect other people to treat you with respect due to their own moral code! How about you just become someone who can't he disrespected?

Secondly, it's not always a conscious decision to be actively 'disrespectful'. To use an analogy - Sam needs child care after school. She asks Jill, maybe because someone else told her Jill's always happy to do it and they've seen Jill picking other people's children up. So she asks and Jill says, "Yes, of course!" Picks the child up and feeds them too. Sam thinks, "Oh, Jill is so lovely and easy going!"

The next time Sam needs childcare, she doesn't bother asking any of the other parents because she knows they quite often say no and so she feels awkward asking them, but Jill is always happy to do it. So she asks Jill again. And Jill does it again. Sam now asks Jill every time and Jill always says yes.

When Sam needs emergency overnight child care, she doesn't even consider asking anyone else. She goes straight to Jill because Jill is always happy to see her child, always willing to help and she concludes it's probably nice for Jill's child to have the company. So she phones Jill up in crisis mode late in the evening and Jill agrees again.

Sam now sees Jill as her go to childcare happy in the knowledge that Jill is fine with it. She's never said no and she's never complained after all.

Meanwhile, Jill posts on MN complaining about how all the school parents ask her to do after school child care whilst never offering it in return and one parent has even called her late at night for emergency overnight childcare!

Jill wonders why no one respects her or her time or the fact she might want to spend an evening without looking after others people's children. She's actually really upset by it and feels exploited.

But Jill has never actually told anyone this. Sam isn't being disrespectful of her. She has just assumed Jil is happy with the situation because Jill has never told her otherwise.

In your case, you went as far as unfathomably arranging for a house sitter (I'm not sure why him living 1 hour away necessitates this) but were still OK when he let you down.

He goes for weeks without context and you're happy to he picked up and put down at his convenience. You're happy to dance to his tune.

Thirdly, he hasn't considered your feelings in this because, much like Jill, you've repeatedly communicated to him that you're OK with the situation. As far as he is concerned, he knows your feelings on it.

ETA: and maybe is just isn't 'a good person'. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op you are getting a hard time on here.

it’s like the victim’s of confidence fraud etc. people blame the victim and and can they be so stupid yet perfectly normal clever people get conned all the time..And it happens in love too. We all want to be loved and cared for and it’s hard for normal moral people to believe that other humans can behave so badly so they make excuses etc.

sadly there are bad people out there and we need to protect ourselves.

you have learned an important lesson from this man so it has not been for nothing.

good luck for the future keeping your peace and the baddies at bay x

Op you are getting a hard time on here.

People aren't giving her a hard time, they're trying to help by showing her the reality of the situation and dynamic she is in.

Sometimes, people might just want platitudes and to be told some people are just 'baddies' and to protect themselves but they also need to know how to protect themselves tomavoid it happening again and that usually involves understanding their role in it.

Uncalled for comment, that no doubt will make OP feel even more low. But continue to kick a dog when it's down as opposed to practical advice that doesn't involve derogatory comments.

No woman should ever be with this man after what he did what he did to his two ex's. You won't magically change him, he'll do the same to you. He's not just a walking red flag he's tall ship with 5 huge red flags waving proudly from its masts!

I was in 2 crappy relationships because I didn't believe I deserved better. I put up with a lot. Then I got pregnant with one of them and we then broke up. But having a DD myself helped me to realise that I wanted her to grow up seeing what a healthy, happy relationship was or I didn't want a relationship at all. I embraced being single and got very fussy, because of her, and that’s when I met a good man. Because I wasn't going to settle for anything less. Good men do exist. You just need to tell yourself that you deserve one.