Fiance has a secret Instagram account

[Treetoptap]

Me (33F) and my fiance (39M) have been together nearly 7 years and are planning our wedding for summer next year. We've also been family planning, after having some miscarriages, we've had appointments for health checks etc. My fiance lost his job in April but has successfully found another he is enjoying.

Last year we were in couples counselling because I had seen on his phone he was on only fans. He deleted the account before I could even see what he was doing on it.. he said he was only on it out of curiosity.

Anyway, we work through it. And go ahead with planning this wedding.

A couple of weeks ago I see on his laptop, not through snooping, it was just on his open laptop in our office as I passed it. I see hes got a secret Instagram account, following loads of explicit models and he has been messaging these models flirty stuff like "lovely thighs"... The account is a random username and no profile picture. It is also set up using a different email address so it doesn't link to anything on his phone.

Again, after working through counselling last year, he's betrayed my trust. We were both happily planning a wedding and very excited for our next chapter, I feel completely blindsided by it. He promised me he'd never put me through this again after the only fans saga, and here we are. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that. But he's not respected my boundaries. He wants to work on this in counselling again but I don't think I keep going through this. He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour. He says that I'm throwing our life together away too readily but I feel like I don't have a choice after all this happening again.

Not sure I have a question, but anyone got any advice or experience with this kind of thing. I do love him very much and I don't doubt he loves me, we do have a lovely relationship, I just don't understand this behaviour.

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

He sounds disgusting. Guaranteed life of misery if you stick with him. Do you really think so little of yourself to stay with that!

What you've found is probably the tip of the iceberg as well

The messaging them would be the absolute end of the relationship for me.

It's gross, creepy and sad apart from anything else.

Even after counselling he's not even trying to hide it that well is he? If you can just walk past the laptop and it's there in the open for you to see. The fact that you had to go for counselling because of this kind of behaviour before you planned the wedding should be a giant red flag anyway. You can do better, go find someone that will love you, but honestly being alone would be preferable to this always wondering what he's up to etc. You don't need that in your life, set yourself free.

You’re not throwing your life together away – he is. He knew how you felt about the Only Fans account, and he has done something similar again.

The Only Fans thing would’ve upset me too. You’re actually paying to view this content, and there’s a lot of scope for interaction with the women on there. The Instagram account is grim, but actually messaging these women would be what tipped me over the edge.

he knew the first time it was gonna be a dealbreaker, and yet he’s done it again. He’s certain you’re not going to leave him. Before you get too involved – marriage and children – I think you summon all your strength and walk away.

He will never stop doing this. He will just get better at hiding it.

Just think of all the steps you have to go through to create a new email and verify it, let alone an instagram account.

To be honest I'd be more insulted by the shitty excuses too! What a loser!

Imagine thinking having a tough time work wise excuses cheating? And does that mean any time something bad happens in his life he'll give him self that as an excuse to treat you like shit?

I'd call him out on that and make it clear that it's pathetic and that he's a prick and he absolutely should seek therapy, alone. Because he's not worthy of any woman right now and never will be until he respects himself as a man. Then I'd chuck his crap out and change the locks. He's pond scum tbh.

You have described your past with this man, your present situation with this man and I’m no Derren Brown but I can pretty much predict your future with this man.
OP it’s easy to say and hard to do, and gut-wrenching when it’s your fiancé and you are wedding planning, but ask yourself if you want to wonder what he’s doing when your back is turned or you go out for a few hours for the rest of your life?
You’re going to see him on his phone, on his laptop or iPad and wonder and doubt and feel unsafe and anxious until your trust has gone completely (if it hasn’t already) and your anxiety and stress levels will go through the roof.
This will become your normality, because I’m afraid if he needs porn and interactive porn this badly he’s not going to stop.
Addicts (if this is what he is) are genuinely sorry and mean it when they swear ‘never again’, they truly do, but without proper intervention and commitment from them, they never can stop, they just become more ashamed, more addicted and become better and better liars.
He’s not going to change without huge commitment and help to do so.
Do not marry him or have children with him, I really wouldn’t tie myself to somebody who I already know has serious issues.
This will escalate from comments on pictures to chats and from chats to hook ups if it goes unchecked. Each stage further stops supplying the thrill so another line gets crossed.
Addictive behaviour doesn’t cure itself, it gets worse.