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Original poster

Fiance has a secret Instagram account

83 replies

Treetoptap · 10/12/2025 15:41

Me (33F) and my fiance (39M) have been together nearly 7 years and are planning our wedding for summer next year. We've also been family planning, after having some miscarriages, we've had appointments for health checks etc. My fiance lost his job in April but has successfully found another he is enjoying.

Last year we were in couples counselling because I had seen on his phone he was on only fans. He deleted the account before I could even see what he was doing on it.. he said he was only on it out of curiosity.

Anyway, we work through it. And go ahead with planning this wedding.

A couple of weeks ago I see on his laptop, not through snooping, it was just on his open laptop in our office as I passed it. I see hes got a secret Instagram account, following loads of explicit models and he has been messaging these models flirty stuff like "lovely thighs"... The account is a random username and no profile picture. It is also set up using a different email address so it doesn't link to anything on his phone.

Again, after working through counselling last year, he's betrayed my trust. We were both happily planning a wedding and very excited for our next chapter, I feel completely blindsided by it. He promised me he'd never put me through this again after the only fans saga, and here we are. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that. But he's not respected my boundaries. He wants to work on this in counselling again but I don't think I keep going through this. He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour. He says that I'm throwing our life together away too readily but I feel like I don't have a choice after all this happening again.

Not sure I have a question, but anyone got any advice or experience with this kind of thing. I do love him very much and I don't doubt he loves me, we do have a lovely relationship, I just don't understand this behaviour.

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 10/12/2025 19:56

Honey I'm so sorry but there is no love without respect.

He loves his you make him feel, what you do for him, what you could provide him with (offspring, support when he isn't working etcm..) but he doesn't love you. Because when you love a person you don't repeatedly betray them.

I'm so sorry. But, ruuuuuuuuuun!

Imo a key indicator of a lack of respect is when they are trying for kids with you before marriage too. Men who respect a woman don't do that. Not unless you've both decided never to marry. And clearly that isn't the case here. He takes the piss out of you to your literal face. Let alone behind your back with this Instagram debacle.

He's shown you many ways and many times he will never respect you. That's not love. Get him in the bin. Respect yourself.

Isayitasitis · 10/12/2025 20:04

Ugh get rid.

You will always be looking over your shoulder. No man is worth breaking the peace of your mind.

EverybodyLTB · 10/12/2025 20:08

Not to be too dramatic but you’re 33 and want a baby, do not waste your late thirties on this deceitful and pathetic man. No good will come of this, believe all of us who have learned from bitter experience. Lying pigs do not become sincere and decent human beings. He will ruin your life even more if you let him.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 10/12/2025 20:09

How fortunate to find out now. With kindness, have some self respect and get out of there! Horrible behaviour from him.

🏃‍♀️

buymeflowers · 10/12/2025 20:11

If this is how he behaves when there is a lot of love between you, leave him and do not look back. You will never know peace married to a man like this.

desiderata328 · 10/12/2025 20:18

This more than just looking at porn. He’s seeking the thrill of the one-to- one interaction he can get from purchasing content directly from these women. It’s digitalised prostitution. You will never ever trust him after this. Throw this one back. I’m
so sorry but you are young and you can move on from this. Deep down you know it’s the only fathomable answer to this.

momager22 · 10/12/2025 20:26

Eww messaging models ‘nice thighs’ would give me the ick so badly, no way would I marry someone like that. So pathetic !

Moveoverdarlin · 10/12/2025 20:34

If he’s doing this now whilst he’s with a young woman, what do you think he’ll be like in 5 years when you’re knee deep in nappies, had no sleep and your sex life is on the back burner because your knackered with young kids?

This is the honeymoon stage, if he’s perving on young girls now, it’s a recipe for disaster for the future.

Please please please get out now. He’s a seedy pervert who keeps secrets from you. You are still really young. Start again, meet someone new.

SaraSosej · 10/12/2025 21:37

Unfortunately the behaviour won’t stop. He probably sees that looking at this stuff as completely separate from his relationship with you (so doesn’t affect how he feels about you). However, every time you find this stuff it’s going to get you down, cause resentment and chip away at your relationship.

NorwayTruce · 10/12/2025 21:38

I’m baffled how one could ‘work through’ a fiancé having a secret only fans, delete it without telling you what he was up to on there and still plan a marriage? No amount of counselling would ever make that look less dodgy.

ThejoyofNC · 10/12/2025 22:14

So every time he has a bit of stress, he can do what he likes? No thanks.

Missj25 · 10/12/2025 22:39

Treetoptap · 10/12/2025 15:41

Me (33F) and my fiance (39M) have been together nearly 7 years and are planning our wedding for summer next year. We've also been family planning, after having some miscarriages, we've had appointments for health checks etc. My fiance lost his job in April but has successfully found another he is enjoying.

Last year we were in couples counselling because I had seen on his phone he was on only fans. He deleted the account before I could even see what he was doing on it.. he said he was only on it out of curiosity.

Anyway, we work through it. And go ahead with planning this wedding.

A couple of weeks ago I see on his laptop, not through snooping, it was just on his open laptop in our office as I passed it. I see hes got a secret Instagram account, following loads of explicit models and he has been messaging these models flirty stuff like "lovely thighs"... The account is a random username and no profile picture. It is also set up using a different email address so it doesn't link to anything on his phone.

Again, after working through counselling last year, he's betrayed my trust. We were both happily planning a wedding and very excited for our next chapter, I feel completely blindsided by it. He promised me he'd never put me through this again after the only fans saga, and here we are. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that. But he's not respected my boundaries. He wants to work on this in counselling again but I don't think I keep going through this. He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour. He says that I'm throwing our life together away too readily but I feel like I don't have a choice after all this happening again.

Not sure I have a question, but anyone got any advice or experience with this kind of thing. I do love him very much and I don't doubt he loves me, we do have a lovely relationship, I just don't understand this behaviour.

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

You can’t trust him OP .
It's one thing looking at women , it’s a different thing altogether setting up a separate email address so he can message them .
He doesn’t sound like someone who will get married & stay faithful to one woman for the rest of his life .
Look what he’s doing now & he’s not married yet .
Imagine 10 years time .

SnowFrogJelly · 10/12/2025 22:41

LTB

Kibble19 · 10/12/2025 22:41

You’re flogging a dead house trying to get this guy to be decent. He’s all the man he’s ever going to be and you’d be a fool to marry or have kids with him.

He’s shown you who he is, more than once.

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/12/2025 22:43

Nope nope nope. He doesn’t mean it any more than he meant it with only fans, he will be back messaging women. ‘I haven’t thrown anything away, I fought for us, last time. Turns out you didn’t mean all the things you said and have again thrown us away. You don’t get to throw our relationship under the bus twice and still come back. Let’s talk about the separation.

TheUsualChaos · 10/12/2025 22:48

Yuk. Get out now before you're married with children. It's only going to get worse.

Copperoliverbear · 11/12/2025 00:03

Do not marry him, do not have children with him, he will lead you a dogs life, ask him to leave in the morning, new year new start

MrsPerfect12 · 11/12/2025 00:30

You’re not the one throwing anything away. He knew this wouldn’t be tolerated and did it anyway.
Next year it might be a girl from work or from the local pub.

MeTooOverHere · 11/12/2025 00:49

Treetoptap · 10/12/2025 15:41

Me (33F) and my fiance (39M) have been together nearly 7 years and are planning our wedding for summer next year. We've also been family planning, after having some miscarriages, we've had appointments for health checks etc. My fiance lost his job in April but has successfully found another he is enjoying.

Last year we were in couples counselling because I had seen on his phone he was on only fans. He deleted the account before I could even see what he was doing on it.. he said he was only on it out of curiosity.

Anyway, we work through it. And go ahead with planning this wedding.

A couple of weeks ago I see on his laptop, not through snooping, it was just on his open laptop in our office as I passed it. I see hes got a secret Instagram account, following loads of explicit models and he has been messaging these models flirty stuff like "lovely thighs"... The account is a random username and no profile picture. It is also set up using a different email address so it doesn't link to anything on his phone.

Again, after working through counselling last year, he's betrayed my trust. We were both happily planning a wedding and very excited for our next chapter, I feel completely blindsided by it. He promised me he'd never put me through this again after the only fans saga, and here we are. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that. But he's not respected my boundaries. He wants to work on this in counselling again but I don't think I keep going through this. He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour. He says that I'm throwing our life together away too readily but I feel like I don't have a choice after all this happening again.

Not sure I have a question, but anyone got any advice or experience with this kind of thing. I do love him very much and I don't doubt he loves me, we do have a lovely relationship, I just don't understand this behaviour.

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

You are throwing HIS life away. No doubt he has it all set up the way he wants it. You will have no real life together at this rate.

Sodthesystem · 11/12/2025 03:34

Ultimately, partners are just company along your life's journey. Maybe this is just an opinion but, life is for you to grow into the best version of yourself. You cannot do that with a chain around your neck.

He's a test. Do you stay and keep repeating the same mistakes?

Life will keep giving you the same test over and over until you learn to choose yourself.

You are on a journey and the only person that's going to be with you on that journey from beginning to end is you. So be sure that you like your own company. Everyone else, you can put them off if they act like dicks. And you should, because why waste your journey with assholes for company?

GreyCarpet · 11/12/2025 07:39

I know he loves me, I don't doubt that.

Love is more than just a feeling, though, isn't it?

It's also how someone behaves. It's also about trust and respect and he can't he trusted and doesn't respect you.

I have read many a thread on here over the years where a wife has discovered her husband's having an affair or seeing prostitutes etc and, in the vast majority of cases, the thread includes details of them showing signs of it early on in just these ways but the wife was also looking forward to the next chapter, believed that he'd stop; took him wanting marriage as a sign he was really committed; believed he loved her...

It's up to you what you do but I wouldn't many him.

TwoTuesday · 11/12/2025 08:40

If he's only looking at pictures, even adding the odd comment, that's one thing, but trying to interact is a step too far. And you don't know what else he's doing, if he's that secretive. If one of them wanted to meet up, or hook up online (unlikely I know), what would he do? I would think very hard about if you can put up with this, as he's proved that he isn't going to change. Don't marry him expecting him to change. All he'll do, if anything, is hide it better. Some people would be ok with that, if they get a good lifestyle, ring on finger, kids etc, but go into it with your eyes open.

Silverbirchleaf · 11/12/2025 08:49

This has given you the ick so get out. I can understand the ‘only looked out of curiosity’ excuse. But looking once doesn’t involve setting up new accounts, following people, interacting and writing sexy comments etc.

I’d feel it was a betrayal of trust, because he’s broken his promise, plus he’s lusting after other woman.

Split, and if people ask and you don’t want to tell the truth (I can imagine it would be difficult), just say you weren’t compatible.

Also needing couple counselling twice before you even get married is not a good prognosis for the future.

Sorry your dreams were shattered.

boringbiscuits · 11/12/2025 10:03

He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour

Oh please. I've had a fair few stressful things happen in my life, strangely enough my immediate reaction isn't to start being sleazy and chatting to people online behind my partner's back. He's telling on himself here. What happens when you're married and have another stressful situation? Or have kids? That in itself is stressful a lot of the time.

It's very hard to walk away but honestly I think if you stay at some point he'll do something like this again (or worse). Not to mention that if you forgive this, you're basically showing him that you'll accept this kind of behaviour. And being honest with yourself, do you think you'll always be on high alert now wondering what he's up to?

GreenGodiva · 11/12/2025 10:09

I get it, he’s not respecting your boundaries dearies and this would be a hard no from me. The only thing you can do is reinforce your boundaries and get rid of him. He’s gone out of hood way to create an email address and an Instagram that you know nothing about just so he can message women and act like a lecherous entitled old perv. Throw him in the bin!