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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance has a secret Instagram account

83 replies

Treetoptap · 10/12/2025 15:41

Me (33F) and my fiance (39M) have been together nearly 7 years and are planning our wedding for summer next year. We've also been family planning, after having some miscarriages, we've had appointments for health checks etc. My fiance lost his job in April but has successfully found another he is enjoying.

Last year we were in couples counselling because I had seen on his phone he was on only fans. He deleted the account before I could even see what he was doing on it.. he said he was only on it out of curiosity.

Anyway, we work through it. And go ahead with planning this wedding.

A couple of weeks ago I see on his laptop, not through snooping, it was just on his open laptop in our office as I passed it. I see hes got a secret Instagram account, following loads of explicit models and he has been messaging these models flirty stuff like "lovely thighs"... The account is a random username and no profile picture. It is also set up using a different email address so it doesn't link to anything on his phone.

Again, after working through counselling last year, he's betrayed my trust. We were both happily planning a wedding and very excited for our next chapter, I feel completely blindsided by it. He promised me he'd never put me through this again after the only fans saga, and here we are. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that. But he's not respected my boundaries. He wants to work on this in counselling again but I don't think I keep going through this. He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour. He says that I'm throwing our life together away too readily but I feel like I don't have a choice after all this happening again.

Not sure I have a question, but anyone got any advice or experience with this kind of thing. I do love him very much and I don't doubt he loves me, we do have a lovely relationship, I just don't understand this behaviour.

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

OP posts:
Rolensausage · 10/12/2025 16:20

Move on without him. Once you get married he’ll get worse. You'll always be wondering what he’s up to behind your back and if you have a child he’s probably one of those men who’ll shag someone else behind your back when you’re pregnant.
Once there's a child in the mix it will be harder to leave

333FionaG · 10/12/2025 16:30

I don't think you can move on from this. It's a massive betrayal and he has been very devious, setting up this account to message glamour models, obviously thinking you would never find out. For your own peace of mind, you have to finish it. You've been through counselling already and it didn't fix what's wrong with him. Leave him. Let him be free to message pretty women online as much as he wants. He's an idiot.

Agapornis · 10/12/2025 16:31

He's the one throwing your life together away.

Don't throw your own life away by giving it to this piece of shit.

Beerlzebub · 10/12/2025 16:31

I've been where you are, OP. You will always, always be waiting for the next time he slips up and you find out what he's been doing.

TheseWinterDays · 10/12/2025 16:40

Don’t throw good time after bad. He had his chance to put his perving behind him and he chose not to.

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 16:44

TL;DR we are planning to get married next year but my fiance has broken my trust again by making a secret Instagram account and messaging naked models. There's a lot of love there but I'm struggling to see a way forward.

Not from his side there isn't. Sorry to be blunt but if he had a "lot of love" for you, he wouldn't be messaging random women on a secret social media account.

Starlight1984 · 10/12/2025 16:46

we do have a lovely relationship

You really, really don't.

Nightlight8 · 10/12/2025 16:47

It sounds like you have already told him you know about the account... I was going to suggest to follow it and offer to meet up.

I would be going to get a full STD check. Thank God you don't have any kids with him. He's got a serious issues OP going on OF is quite dark tbh. It's seedy.

ginasevern · 10/12/2025 16:48

@Treetoptap "He says that losing his job was a stress trigger that causes this behaviour."

Ha,ha,ha. Sorry to laugh but the older you get the more you'll realise that men always blame seedy behaviour (hooking up with sex workers, connecting online etc) on some "traumatic" incident. Their great grandmother died, they lost their job, nobody understands them..... and on and on it goes. When was the last time you spoke to a woman that shagged a sex worker or joined chat rooms because she was made redundant or her mother died? Doesn't happen does it? Don't have children with this cunt and call off the wedding. I predict your future OP, and what you're seeing is what you'll get. You'll be pig sick, worn down and bitter in another 10 years but with kids to worry about too.

DaisyChain505 · 10/12/2025 16:50

You’ve seen proof twice of what a pig this man is, how he doesn’t have respect for your relationship or for the women he’s messaging and you’re still wanting to go ahead with this wedding?

Hes shown you his behaviour and it hasn’t changed. This is only the stuff you’ve found, God knows what he’s done that you haven’t come across.

By you forgiving him you’ve shown him that you accept what he’s doing and he’s just going to keep doing it and probably escalate in to taking it into real life with real women.

summitfever · 10/12/2025 16:57

Sorry op these men do not change. My husband, it was drugs and alcohol but ultimately it all lack of self control and lack of respect for you. Don’t marry potential or promises, assume you are marrying what’s in front of you, because you are. And that’s what you’ll always have, only worse cause they never get better. Honestly even if you end up alone it’s better than marrying him and DO NOT have his babies. They deserve better.

outerspacepotato · 10/12/2025 17:02

How can you be blindsided when he did it just last year?

He's looking to cheat. Counseling didn't work before, it won't now. You know that now. You either marry him accepting he's going to cheat or break up.

You might want to get STI testing in case he's been cheating. He's sure not truthful with you.

YellowStockings · 10/12/2025 17:09

Just another person agreeing with everyone else. If he blames it on the job situation, next it'll be wedding stress / TTC stress / stress of having a young child, and it'll be your fault for putting the baby first...

The others are right, you're still young. Find someone who will respect your boundaries.

pixiegirlishere · 10/12/2025 17:12

If you marry him you’ll be back here with the same issue. There’s no solving it. Question is, can you live with it? Because it’s not going away, it’ll be a feature of your marriage.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/12/2025 17:14

hmmnotreallysure · 10/12/2025 15:47

Don't have children with him and don't get married.

This.

You dont even WANT to know how hard this will be with one or two babies in tow facing the trauma of a divorce.

Do NOT marry this guy.
Do NOT have kids.
RUN AWAY

orangewasp · 10/12/2025 17:18

Don't throw your lot in with this man, OP - he won't change and may well get sleazier with age.

BauhausOfEliott · 10/12/2025 17:27

If him having an OnlyFans account was enough of an issue for you to want couples counselling, while he thinks it's no big deal, this is not a relationship between two people who share values and expectations.

Interesting that you say he's following 'explicit' / 'naked' models on Instagram though, because Instagram doesn't allow nude content of any kind. So what he's looking at on Instagram must be fairly bland. Again, this is obviously not something he sees as a big deal, whereas you do, and I can't see the two of you arriving at a point where you are ever going to agree. You are always going to feel you can't trust him or feel insecure, and he is always going to feel like he's being controlled. It's not going to work.

Not relevant to your post, because of course everyone feels differently and can draw their own lines in the sand, but I wouldn't give a shit if my partner looked at models on Instagram. I would, however, certainly be pissed off (and would also think it was cringey and naff) if he was messaging them. For me, looking is one thing, interacting is another.

ChristmasinBrighton · 10/12/2025 17:31

Dump

PeonyPatch · 10/12/2025 17:37

Ew.

ForeverHopeful3 · 10/12/2025 17:40

LEAVE HIM. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

Chairwoman4 · 10/12/2025 17:59

😭😭😭😭 please don’t marry him, you can get a better life than this. This ISNT going to change, this IS WHO HE IS

Velvetgoldmine · 10/12/2025 18:48

He has deceived you and can't be trusted. What on earth is the point of committing yourself to a relationship with someone who thinks that little of you?

203percent · 10/12/2025 18:52

I dunno, if you need counselling before you get married, when it's meant to be fun & easy, where do you go when you've been married ten years with two kids and all the grown up responsibilities grind you down?

This is the best case scenario. You want this?

OkWinifred · 10/12/2025 19:23

You’re not readily throwing this relationship away, he is!

What is wrong with the weak seedy man.

Andepeda · 10/12/2025 19:26

Well I for one think he does love you.

This is how he behaves with a woman he loves. He lies and cheats.