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Relationships

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Original poster

Messages to his ex wife

55 replies

Secondwifeclub · 08/12/2025 23:16

I’ll try keep this brief. A couple of months ago I was on holiday with my husband, much deserved break we have had a rough year. Nothing relationship wise, external factors. After we returned I found messages to his ex wife on his phone… flirty but not down right shocking so I let it slide, never mentioned it.

About a month after I seen them he told me she had tried to come onto him via text but the story he told was not what I had seen. So he lied! It didn’t sit right with me. But I rug swept.

Fast forward to last night, I decided to look at his phone as he had been out all day and his contact was different from usual. Something didn’t seem right. Searched the ex-wife’s name and all texts had been deleted not single message between them. However, I found historic messages from her old phone number dating from 2023, really inappropriate. Asking for sex, asking if she was horny, asking to see her.

He was drunk last night so I didn’t confront him. Today I was at work and my head was a mess. Came home and I couldn’t face the conversation. I’m laying beside him wide awake as he snores away. Has our full relationship been a lie. Has he actually slept with her? Why would he do this?

Really need a hand hold and guidance on how to deal with this

OP posts:

MarginWalker · 09/12/2025 00:04

Oh this sounds like such betrayal from him. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it looks like you’ve known for a while something is amiss and you’ve had a hard time facing it. Posting here was a really good start.

Some of the situation is not clear. How long have you been together? What compelled you to look at his phone after the vacation and what did the vacation have to do with it that you brought it up?

Endofyear · 09/12/2025 00:09

You've looked the other way for too long - why did you not speak to him about the messages the first time you saw them? If I were you, I'd be making plans to leave.

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 00:11

We have been together ten years. We have had a hard year and the holiday was meant to be a nice time for us to go away and relax and spend time together. But he was messaging her whilst we were away. When I was oblivious, thinking we were having a great time together.

first time I seen the messages to her was a genuine coincidence. I was looking for a message from his brother about a gift idea for one of his nieces. I seen her name and thought I was be nosey… didn’t expect what I found!

OP posts:

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 00:12

@Endofyeari never brought it up as I didn’t see it as a genuine threat. Thought it was just mindless flirting and was nothing to worry about

OP posts:

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 00:16

Also I knew if I confronted him he would make it about me looking at his phone and not what I found

OP posts:

Peachperfect · 09/12/2025 00:18

She sounds like a real treat and imo, is liking a bit of control. I think he wants his ego massaged.
As much as u dont want to get into a row with him about this, he has massively overstepped boundaries here-and thr longer you leave it, the more likely he will see what he can get away with.
My guess is that nothing is going on, but the idiots are enjoying flirting and reminiscing about the good old days when they were younger. It's disgusting and disrespectful and he is taking advantage of your chilled nature (definitely speak up, only u can vouch for yourself). I would be having strong words with the trollop/home wrecker too. Do u know why they split uo all those years ago?

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 00:23

@Peachperfectshe cheated on him. I have been nothing but nice to her inviting her into our home for Christmas breakfast etc with their now adult kids. I feel a fool. It’s the fact the messages span over years

OP posts:

MarginWalker · 09/12/2025 00:49

It is totally unforgivable. He’s disrespecting you and not investing his energy in your relationship.

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 01:02

How do I even start this conversation with him

OP posts:

MarginWalker · 09/12/2025 01:52

Would you consider ending the relationship? If so, I’d start working on that front first.

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 02:02

I honestly don’t know where to even start thinking about it. I’m quite averse to confrontation but I feel like I could scream! I keep making excuses for him in my head; I want it to never have happened. How dare he do this to me? I keep thinking if he were to choose anyone why her??

OP posts:

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 09/12/2025 02:07

I would just be straight “I saw messages between you and x that span a number of years - the contents of the messages are sexual and you have one opportunity to let me know the extent of this”.

But, that’s because I’d be interested to know what he says - but would leave anyway no matter what he said. The contents of those message are more than enough to be classed as infidelity for me.

If you don’t actually want to hear his minimisation and denials then you can just end the relationship now, for any reason you want. You don’t need to confront him or get “closure” if you don’t want to, just tell him it’s over.

Icecreamisthebest · 09/12/2025 02:09

You don't need to rush OP. Plead illness or stress from work while you process this.

I would not have a conversation until you know what it is you want. The texts you have seen can only be interpreted one way so there is no conversation that leads to a logical explanation. The conversation will be mainly about the future so think about how you want that to look.

If you want to separate then get your ducks in a row. You can separate for any reason you choose so you don't have to even have the conversation. You can just end it.

If you want to try to save the marriage, what would it take for you to move on? A full apology, counselling, complete access to phone, no more messaging between them? Figure that out. If they have DC together then they will always have some degree of contact at family events. Can you cope with that?

Think about getting counselling for yourself. I'm so sorry

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 02:51

Yeah it’s infidelity to me. It’s a boundary that I set and told him I would accept if he crossed it.

I was looking at when these conversations were happening and what was going on in our lives at those points. And we were absolutely fine. No concerns. He’s obviously just needing his ego stroked by the woman who rejected him and cheated on him. Whereas I’m here the woman who would do anything for him and it’s not enough

OP posts:

KaleQueen · 11/12/2025 13:06

If you can get his phone again and these are basic sms text messages rather than Wattsapp then you can look in the deleted texts folder and if he’s been stupid enough not to delete those then you recover them by clicking recover messages.

BeckyBloom · 11/12/2025 13:15

As someone whose ex h cheated with his ex wife leading me to divorce him, (he begged to come back after 6 months of the divorce) I’d be concerned OP.

LoudSnoringDog · 11/12/2025 13:18

So has he actually met her for sex too? What a shit

FlockOfSausages · 11/12/2025 19:52

I’ve had the misfortune to confront 2 cheaters. People rarely get what they want out of these conversations because if they were sorry they wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Instead these conversations are about blame, gaslighting and deception and their words can ring in your head for years.

If I could go back in time I would have just quietly left. Because often when you forgive a betrayal another one comes along.

outerspacepotato · 11/12/2025 20:26

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 00:12

@Endofyeari never brought it up as I didn’t see it as a genuine threat. Thought it was just mindless flirting and was nothing to worry about

Flirting with the ex is not mindless, especially when he's on vacation with you.

There's been more, that's why he's deleted.

You can stick your head in the sand but that won't change your situation one bit. It sounds like your husband is in a long term relationship with his ex as well as you.

Before you say anything, get your ducks in order. Any important papers, ids in a safe place, copies of all financials. Secure them elsewhere and upload copies to the cloud on a new account.

Bring up your boundary. If he wants to divert the topic to you checking his phone, tell him you can discuss that later but right now you think he's cheating and he needs to address that now.

Get STI testing.

AnonAnonmystery · 11/12/2025 22:22

@Secondwifeclub I read your posts the other night and you sounded besides yourself ( and rightly so).
How are you doing now?

Mirt · 11/12/2025 22:27

Secondwifeclub · 09/12/2025 02:02

Easy shag

SandyY2K · 12/12/2025 00:11

The question is what do you want from confronting him? He could apologise and day out was ages ago, that he was drunk and make excuses.

If there's no explanation that would sit right with you, you need to decide if those messages are enough for you to be done with him and plan accordingly.

In terms of speaking to him... you could start by saying something had been bothering you since the holiday and say how you stumbled on the flirty messages. That it hasn't sat well with you and you don't believe these are the only messages of that nature.

Ak if he's ever sent any other messages to her of this nature during your marriage. Tell him, you want the truth, because if he lies, you'll be done.... only say it if you mean it.

See what his response is and go from there.

I recall a woman posted here on how she wasn't one for confrontation and when she found out her DH was having an affair, she just told him she waved a divorce, as she want sexually attracted to him anymore.

MeganM3 · 12/12/2025 00:31

Do you believe that something physical has happened? And would that be an absolute deal breaker for you?

Personally I think making your mind up about what you want out of this before having the conversation is a good idea. He will surely be on damage control and try to minimise what has happened, so you need to be clear in your mind about what has happened between them and what that means for you and your relationship.

Original poster

Secondwifeclub · 09/03/2026 08:26

Hey, sorry for the time between posts. I wanted to take time and think what I wanted for me.

I tried to forget about everything and just get on with day to day life. Been coasting. But this weekend I’ve been triggered. I found out he had been screenshotting pictures of girls half his age on instagram, girls he knows from work and sending them to his brother making disgusting remarks about how they “like a drink” and “would he up for anything”. He’s asked me to start wearing heavier make up, eyeliner, lip liner etc. I think this is because this is how they do it. I’ve seen he’s been looking up these girls profiles daily. They aren’t friends on social media, likely as he’s old enough to be their dad - so it isn’t a coincidence.

Also at the weekend his brother sent him a video of a young girl, in a very recognisable works uniform, having sex in a toilet. He mentioned it to me as in “he’s at it again” but then yesterday I seen he had forwarded this video to several of his friends. It’s made me feel sick…. He’s coming across as an old pervert. This girl likely took this video with someone she trusted and it’s been shared by men like him everywhere. She’s someone’s daughter, she’s likey lost her job. She will be having a terrible time knowing that’s out there for the world she seen.

I never slept last night. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have a very serious hospital appointment tomorrow and my time and energy should be focused on that.

sorry for the long post just need a had hold

OP posts:

scoobysnaxx · 09/03/2026 09:05

I’m so sorry OP.
whether he has slept with his ex wife is actually irrelevant.
he wanted to and made that know.

sharing that awful video of that poor young girl is the worst of all. Full of misogyny. Horrendous.

that alone would end the relationship for me. What an absolute perverted pig.

I do hope your hospital appointment goes well today. Focus on you for now

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