Messages to his ex wife

[Secondwifeclub]

I’ll try keep this brief. A couple of months ago I was on holiday with my husband, much deserved break we have had a rough year. Nothing relationship wise, external factors. After we returned I found messages to his ex wife on his phone… flirty but not down right shocking so I let it slide, never mentioned it.

About a month after I seen them he told me she had tried to come onto him via text but the story he told was not what I had seen. So he lied! It didn’t sit right with me. But I rug swept.

Fast forward to last night, I decided to look at his phone as he had been out all day and his contact was different from usual. Something didn’t seem right. Searched the ex-wife’s name and all texts had been deleted not single message between them. However, I found historic messages from her old phone number dating from 2023, really inappropriate. Asking for sex, asking if she was horny, asking to see her.

He was drunk last night so I didn’t confront him. Today I was at work and my head was a mess. Came home and I couldn’t face the conversation. I’m laying beside him wide awake as he snores away. Has our full relationship been a lie. Has he actually slept with her? Why would he do this?

Really need a hand hold and guidance on how to deal with this

Do whatever is easiest for you. Really. Think through what is easiest for you then act accordingly.

I noticed in an earlier post that you said you felt worthless, but the reality is that he is treating you as worthless to him. That’s on him.

Please get your finances in order first and make sure that you’ve gathered information about his finances. Assume that, as is most likely, he will behave dishonestly and vindictively. People often do that when they’ve behaved badly.

@Secondwifeclub focus on yourself lovely and do what you have to do - nothing worse than thinking you are with a sleaze - it’s bad enough that blokes go round seeking out porn and lots of us are very aware of it and kind of rugsweep it , but to me the minute they start sharing it around then it shows a personality that sees women just as titillation for other sad blokes.

I commented on your post originally around christmas. Its astounding how much our husbands are alike and how we are feeling as a wife (very scary health scare included). Im a few months ahead if you so I'll give u some ideas before u say anything-it wont make things ok, but u will feel like u have some sort of control.
I made a new email account, went onto his phone, took photos of everything i found (messages to other women, sex workers, multiple calls to sex workers, screenshots of local women in their bikinis in their holiday photos-which is creepy as hell) flirty conversations with local women and i sent everything to my new email address for "receipts". Ive even got videos of him drunk accusing me of cheating (which i have never done or given him reason to believe so). He also had a porn/sex addiction and couldn't finish with me either, and often couldn't finish himself (i didnt know about the addiction at the time). He also had to work away now and then and he has pocket dialled me and ive heard conversations that sickened me. Before D day happened, I wrote a FOR and AGAINST list.
The FOR page had aboit 4 things on there. The against was 2 pages long.
I kept it hidden to remind myself because I knew he would either beg to stay (again) or skip out happily to carry on living his pretty much single life. We finally split 1 year ago today. It was my birthday and he made it all about him and ruined the entire day for me. Since the split we eventually got on well for the sake of the children. He would start calling me at lunch times for a chat and over stepping boundaries so I had to call him out on it. The disrespect then REALLY started. I had a health scare and needed surgery, I was so scared and upset but he didn't even offer an "it'll be ok" infact, he told people that I wouldnt tell our children about our split because i was putting it off-whwn infact I disnt want the children to know until I had my results back because theyre young and it would have been too much for them to deal with both issues. My mum had a stroke, a hosp appt found my dad had a humongous tumour and he wasnt there for me once-not even an "are u ok? Do u want me to have the children to give u a bit of a break". All this went in my list. When I start feeling sad about the BS fairy tale I have been living, I re-read that list and often add to it (he has got even more disgusting since then). But make sure y get the evidence to back yourself up-but dont tell him, it'll give u a feeling of some sort of control. I filed for divorce-again I didnt want to and it felt very scary, but it would've been worse if he had been the one to do it first and I feel I hold the overall power of all the vile things he has done to me. Don't get me wrong, it really hasn't been easy, ive blamed myself, told myself I should've had sex with him more, should have gone out with him more. But the truth is-i didnt want to have sex with him because he made it feel like a transaction and expected. I disnt want to gonout with him becauae his insane jealousy would ruin every single night out with me being upset. So as much as im grieving what could have been, im not grieving him. He's shown who he really is, and thats not the person I married. Would u want ur daughters in a relationship with someone like him? That's what swayed it for me, i dont want my girls thinking his disrespectful behaviour towards women is normal.
Write the list and hide it. Gey the evidence sorted "just incase" be prepared for more gaslighting-but you WILL be prepared. Most importantly, make sure you are ok-u dont need his immature selfish ways taking over a very important time for you.
Keep us updated, and lots of luck for tomorrow x

How are you OP?

Given his current behaviour in his relationship with you - I would assume the 'she cheated on me' story is a lie.

More likely he was the cheat. Even if she did end up cheating on him, no doubt he was also behaving this way in his relationship with her. The man's a liar. By engaging with his ex this way, he's been lying to you for years. It's infidelity in my book too.