Yes, this is great advice thank you. I did start to think through the reality of actually pursuing this after my brain would not stop fantasising about him (which, I repeat, I do not want!), and it was so messy. My career, my family, my community, all messed up massively for what.. another middle aged guy with back pain.. And his lovely wife, and their kids, and how much our colleagues would lose respect for both of us. So gross. And thinking it through, he has quite a few hobbies that takes him away from his family, which I am absolutely sure I would resent in that reality. Much more than my own husband's absence due to work (i.e. paying for the majority of our life). This is all so helpful. Come on brain, listen to this!
He is on leave this week, so it's a perfect time to get my head straight before he's back in the office next week. I feel like I'll be way more prepared after thinking it all through and having a bloody word with myself. And we've had no contact, which is also helpful.
In terms of starting any rumours, there are loads of local people here with male/female friendships so I don't think it would raise eyebrows, and also our office is a handful of men in their 40s, me, and a few junior women in their 20s, so the people at my age are all (really lovely) men and it wouldn't look weird that we're mates. I mean, we are all mates. So as long as it all stays nicely in that lane we will all be okay!
I also don't think I've made any of these feelings clear enough for him to get a sense of it, and I haven't received anything but kindness (i.e. no flirting or innuendo) from him. He responds pretty quickly to my texts, which felt good, but looking back at the actual messages, there is absolutely nothing there to suggest any second meaning to any of it. I also don't feel I'd be embarrassed if his wife or my dh saw my messages, so that's lucky!
And if I am really, really honest with myself, I don't think anyone would even see it coming. I'm not the cute young thing I used to be and I've embraced my geeky side in my work, whereas he's kind of a cool dad with social status (if that makes sense?), so there is misalignment there. He definitely would not have sought me out in younger years, and I am clearly not a symbol of temptation in his life (lol!) so I have a pretty good "out" if anyone caught wind - I'm just a mumsy chaotic friend at work, in the same stage of life, but who wouldn't have time to even daydream about anything like that. Don't be ridiculous.
Sorry I'm rambling. Who needs therapy. (me, probably).
It is interesting to hear that menopause might be a contributor. What a combo, adhd, menopause and a tricky phase of marriage..