Unwanted limerance towards a colleague

[SquigglyGum]

I'm a married 44yo woman, been with my husband for 15 years and we have school aged kids. I've worked with a male colleague for 3 years now, in the same small office but we don't work on the same stuff. We just chat socially and know each other's family as his kids are at the same school, similar social circles etc. Everything was purely friendship (acquaintance?) level this whole time. Recently we've been chatting more and bumping into each other on our day off with littlest children and chatting a bit more at work. Honestly they have not been planned meet ups. He's pretty handsome but I've never found him attractive before.

About a month ago I had a dream that we were trying to do some diy in a bedroom and he said "this is tough" suggesting that being in close quarters with only me was difficult for him. I woke straight up and have been fixated on that feeling since then. I've also noticed the way I'm seeking out his attention/ conversation more and finding opportunities to message. All above board and not flirty at all, but I'm drawn to him. Mainly who he is, rather than a sexual attraction. I dont want an affair, i like and respect his wife and him (and my own dh!) and honestly I know it's all in my head and not an actual shared feeling.

Does anyone have any tips for getting rid of this feeling? I love my job and won't leave, and do value his friendship if it wasn't for this new feeling I have. It's distracting and terrible for my own relationship. How can I at best remain friends, and at worst get on as colleagues?

I'm adhd and from my reading it sounds a bit more common in neurodivergent people.

Practical tips please!

@SquigglyGum Seriously wake up and respect people around you and their private lives.
Grow up too.

Fhs op does not want these thoughts, has not acted on these thoughts, and is posting asking how to get rid of these thoughts! And she is ND. But you still need to post like that? Seriously?

Wow! What about my post suggests I am not trying to do exactly what you're saying! I am asking for advice for unwanted feelings, have not and do not want to act on them, and I have utmost respect for the people around me - if I didn't, things would get pretty awful and messy, which I've acknowledged. I am posting anonymously to this page so I can get some helpful advice without creating drama in my real life (i.e. I do not plan to tell anyone I know about this!), and I feel like it has been a useful process. Sounds pretty grown up to me.

I don’t really believe in limerence and it’s probably not about unmet needs. In fact, i think it’s generally really unfair to your partner to say this is about unmet needs.

It just sounds like a bit of a crush which has come on because you’ve been triggered to be aware of his attractiveness. I had something similar. I suddenly became aware of a deep attraction to a colleague i worked closely with. But it had no impact on my feelings for DH at all - i had no wish to leave him and be with anyone else (not that that was on offer but i wouldn’t have wanted to if i could have). In time, it blew itself out.

In my experience, crushes happen and are only as important as you let them be. If everyone else ceased to be attractive when we settled down with our life partners, then marriage vows to foresake all others would not be necessary. The whole point of commitment is not letting passing attraction to someone else override your feelings for your longterm partner and it sounds like your commitment to your partner is solid.

Also I am so annoyed I didn't look up how to spell limerence correctly.. I am judging myself hard every time I see the subject line

Did it make you feel good to leave this useless comment? Did it make you feel a bit better about yourself? Did you think telling someone “grow up” was in any way useful?

I so agree with @Dery . Conventional wisdom can be that crushes reflect an unmet need, but honestly, which long time partner can meet the needs of excitement, lust of someone you are not with but are attracted to?

I am at awe that there are people for whom their long term partners seem to continue to provide such excitement. Most people don’t have that in their relationships, and when a new attraction appears it can create a thrill that the regular partner can’t really compete with.

But there are many ways to handle a crush to make sure it doesn’t become problematic. Op I think you have your head screwed on right! Hope it eases up soon especially while he’s on leave.

He's married, as are you, cop on.

If you haven’t been in this situation it can be hard to empathise. You want to cop on, but you can’t. Not instantaneously anyway. You rationally know that it’s silly and doesn’t mean anything but you can fight the intrusive thoughts, the emotion, and dopamine highs. I’ve been there! The only things that helped were going no/severely reducing contact and being distracted by a major life stressor (not ideal). I also met his wife in person by chance and she was so lovely and gorgeous that the idea of anything happening made me feel physically ill.

It sounds like you are a bit lonely? is your life otherwise good or a bit boring? Could be that you need a bit more excitement. You could channel this elsewhere, new hobby for instance. Maybe plan some nice things to do with your dh.

OP - I was in a very similar situation (identical really!) to you this time last year. I’d say it’s only beginning to ease now. What caused it? A parent became very ill and my dh was struggling with depression. At first the crush was a bit of fun. Made me feel young again. The guy flirted back a bit, nothing terrible but holding eye contact a few times. gave me a big boost when I needed one.
but it was a bit like an addiction. It became a really horrible obsession that I felt was driving me a bit mad. I hated it.
its easing now.
advice? Well try not to make more of it than it deserves. It’s fine to fancy someone a bit. But just leave it at that in your head. Perhaps you’re just tired and need a bit of a break. Going away for a weekend wirh my dh really helped me.
i would avoid writing too many threads about it. Remember it isn’t real. Writing a thread about it creates a sense that it is.

It was a dream. Have it analysed.
Reality is a thing mind.
I'm not being horrible to you @SquigglyGum even if I came across that way.

And if I am really, really honest with myself, I don't think anyone would even see it coming. I'm not the cute young thing I used to be and I've embraced my geeky side in my work, whereas he's kind of a cool dad with social status (if that makes sense?), so there is misalignment there. He definitely would not have sought me out in younger years, and I am clearly not a symbol of temptation in his life (lol!) so I have a pretty good "out" if anyone caught wind - I'm just a mumsy chaotic friend at work, in the same stage of life, but who wouldn't have time to even daydream about anything like that. Don't be ridiculous.

I think this bit is why you're obsessing, you think he is so cool and you aren't and he is also nice and kind to you, maybe normally cool people with social status were stuck up and mean to you but he combines being your idea of cool and also validates and acknowldges you which might feel healing for your older self who might have wished for someone like him.

Limerence happens when you are stressed and disatisfied with your life, you see someone who has qualities you admire and they are nice to you. Sometimes podcasts and youtubes on getting over it help. I am someone who feels better after writing so I don't think writing about a crush is harmful, it's already real in her head and putting it in black and white can help some people hear themselves out loud and patterns in thought and reasoning more clear.. so i dont think threads and journaling about it is a bad thing.

To reel yourself back up, You could think of all the cringey and not nice things about him to dismantle this God-like status you've built him up to be. Make a list of all his unattractive traits. You will then see more clearly that he is just a man.

Additionally work on your self esteem, maybe you are cooler than you think. Try to remember and celebrate your qualities and achievements. Do something new you always wanted to do, book fun things to look forward to, romanticise your home life, make goals for yourself, get to know other people at work, widen your circle a bit.

A lot of people act like emotions are something you can switch on or off at will. Or instantly fix in therapy. Emotions are such a tricky labyrinth and you can tell it to cop on from today to tomorrow and it won’t cop on. You can, however, with awareness of how human psychology work, find solutions that make things better.

Update. I saw him at the swimming pool on Friday (they have class at the same time, different groups). It was.. weird? I was chatting to another dad so no real space to connect. We said hi and I asked about his trip away, he was friendly as usual. Importantly, I didnt get the rush! I think all this pondering and thinking through has helped! And I haven't thought about him since. The spell might have started to break. I don't think I'm out of the woods yet, but it's progress. Thanks for all your support and understanding in this thread, it's helped a lot.

Keep him as a good friend and dictate the pace of the relationship.

A friend mentioned to me that she talks to process, rather than processing to talk (like a linear one before the other thing) and I think that's what's happened here. Saying the thing, working it out in words and demystifying it. Honestly so helpful.

Hi op, I've just been through a year of this. It was with my manager who is an extremely friendly, tactile, outgoing person and we have amazing intellectual/professional chemistry. My brain obviously interpreted this as romantic interest and that triggered the feelings to start.

We work in a very high pressure environment and I'm also dealing with a lot outside work (parent's illness, teenagers, probably undiagnosed adhd and autism, peri menopause, all the usual triggers), so it was a fun escape (not always, but once I had it worked out, it was and I used it as such.)

I can give you my advice:

Enjoy it and use it to fuel you. Make it work for you. I directed the energy towards exercise and I now feel and look so much better than when I started. I started dressing better and taking care of my appearance.

I also used it to inject excitement and fun into work, to release the pressure. I didn’t seek out contact and was never ever flirty or inappropriate (this is really important), but I allowed myself to enjoy it when it happened and as he is my manager it happens a lot!

I also directed the energy I was feeling into my relationship and it's now in the best place it's ever been. I used the opportunity to really take a cold, hard look at my relationship as a lot of advice was that this was a sign something was missing. This man could never compare to my husband, so that helps! But my husband and I had been having our own issues, so we had to have hard conversations, and get back on track, which we now have done.

Don't beat yourself up or punish yourself for your feelings.

Decide now that you will never ever act on it or confess anything. Be clear in your own mind that that is not the outcome you seek. Resolve to keep it entirely in your own mind. You are entitled to private thoughts, fantasies, and daydreams. They hurt no-one as long as they remain unspoken.

I was able to think it through deeply and analyse it, as thats how my brain untangles problems, and realised I had literally no desire to make this a real life thing with consequences. I see it more like a little hobby. And now mine has safely faded away and has become a nice work friendship and that's all.

Just thought I'd update you all. It's been a few months and seems to have worn off. We're still mates, see each other at work and sometimes at the school gate, and very rare messages (same as all colleagues). Most importantly I do not get all twisted up inside when I think of him or when he's around (like before), and I'm not spending any time thinking about him like before. I just kind of stopped feeling it. I spent most of January being stereotypical and exercising, getting into things I'm interested in, and generally centering myself. Its been liberating! The relationship with my husband is up and down, but that feels separate.

There's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm glad I didnt make any changes with my work or otherwise when the feelings were so intense. Thanks for all your advice along the way!

OP, try not to beat yourself up over this. I had it, it was awful.
Can you redirect the focus onto yourself, how can you love and pamper yourself. Any new hobbies you fancy trying also?

Anymore updates OP. Im going through this now and it's awful.

Hi @Jessica60my update is positive! We are now firm friends, and i no longer get any feelings of excitement or whatever when seeing him. I think it was down to "exposure therapy", my desk was moved (without my involvement, promise) to one closer to his, so we had more day to day chat. We also talk about family as much as our own lives, and only text very rarely (recommendations after a conversion, for example). I'm much happier in this place, and pleased it didn't go the other way and lead to more obsessive thoughts and feelings.

Another main change is my own mental and physical health. I've started exercising regularly and taking time for myself, which has had a huge impact on how happy I am. My relationship is feeling more at ease now as well, not thriving but definitely more than surviving!

I think there will always be a very faint element of attraction there for my colleague, and tbh I now think it's mutual, but we're both happy enough in our lives and have enough integrity not to act on it. We are so entwined in our local community that that alone is a strong preventative influence - it would not go unnoticed, and would create such carnage that it absolutely would never be worth it.

I'm not sure that's helpful, other than to say I'm in a much better place now, wont be leaving my job and am comfortable in the friendship (which I'll be keeping at arms length).

Whats going on for you?

Thats great news. I don't get to chat or see my crush so it's still imaging this person to possibly be someone they are not. So very much attracted and am walking around my workplace regularly hoping to bump into them. I feel like a bit of a stalker. I hope this will stop some.

It’s peri-menopause. All of a sudden you start to fancy other men! Hormones!!

@SquigglyGum - great update. That’s what happened with my previous huge crush. It was all about 15 years ago and completely blew itself out from a romantic perspective. We haven’t worked together for more than a decade but we meet for lunch very intermittently. It’s become a very comfortable, platonic friendship.