How to address partner lusting over online models

Curiouscow123 · 2025-12-07T15:23:15+00:00

So my partner and I have been together 3 years. At start of relationship I noticed he followed a lot of insta accounts of models / OF girls. I explicitly told him this made me uncomfortable and I found it disrespectful and also just a bit weird. He acknowledged this and said he would unfollow them which he did. I’ve noticed he’s been screenshotting attractive girls / models that come up on TikTok / Facebook reels etc. I know men watch porn and are visual creatures an all - but how do I make it very clear I won’t tolerate this? Otherwise we are very happy and he’s the first man that’s made me feel safe and loved. This is the only negative I can comment on in our relationship so would like to work it out with him rather than just breaking up. Anyone been in a similar situation?

Snorlaxo · 07/12/2025 15:26

how do I make it very clear I won’t tolerate this?

You’ve stayed with him despite him doing this a second time so you do tolerate this behaviour. You probably don’t want to hear this but there’s only one way to make it very clear (as he didn’t find it clear last time)- you have to dump him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/12/2025 15:26

How can you address this?

Do you live together? If so, bags packed on doorstep. Problem solved.

You seem to have low expectations. You're not safe or loved if he’s openly seeking out images of other women.

Twonow · 07/12/2025 15:26

Better to channel your energy in to finishing it

gross

Twonow · 07/12/2025 15:27

This is the only negative I can comment on in our relationship

and for those of us who grew up with decent fathers, has decent brothers, friends, boyfriends and partners…. Would view that “the only negative” is an appalling deal breaker

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2025 15:30

You won’t tolerate it? Um. You literally are tolerating it. If you ‘won’t tolerate it’ then you dump him. I would.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 07/12/2025 15:31

He probably should've stood his ground at the start and said 'This is me, take me or leave me'.

But since he didn't and he promised to stop, he should've stuck to that promise.

But if he's doing it again then it pretty much is him.

So now the ball is in your court, to take him or leave him.

If it's a dealbreaker you should leave him because it doesn't look like he wants to change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2025 15:32

He needs to now become your ex and you've already tolerated this from him for far too long.

I am concerned that this is the first man who you say has made you feel safe and loved. What happened to you?. If you have had abusive relationships previously to this man then he may have felt like a breath of fresh air but the truth is he is not your Mr Right either.

You've told him clearly how you feel and yet he continues to look at such women online. If the shoe was on the other foot he would certainly not be as forgiving of you.

Be on your own, it is far better than being with someone like this.

TappaMcFeety · 07/12/2025 15:38

You need to be clear and firm with your own boundaries because you’re not going to change him. The only choice is to leave the relationship.

BauhausOfEliott · 07/12/2025 15:48

I think you need to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. I doubt he’s going to stop doing it so you need to think about whether it’s important enough to you to leave him over.

I’ll be honest: I’d be wary of any man who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to look at any pictures of other men online. I just don’t think what I look at or fantasise about is any of my partner’s business and I think I’m entitled to my own private sexual thoughts about whatever and whoever I choose. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner and it doesn’t mean I don’t find him attractive - I’d rather die than cheat on him, frankly, and that’s after 23 years of being together.

Sodthesystem · 07/12/2025 15:51

The boundaries we set in relationships are for ourselves not for the otter person. You told him your boundary, he is ignoring it. I mean, time to go really isn't it then?

Either you stay and deal with the fact that this is him. Or you give him the elbow.

If he stops (let's face it, only for a little while again) that still doesn't change who he is. He's still the same sleeze.

And heads up, no, not all men watch porn either. Don't feel you have to excuse that if you aren't cool with it.

It's ok to hold people to a certain moral standard. But if they don't meet it, hold yourself to your own standards and boundaries and call it a day.

DirtyBird · 07/12/2025 16:36

Once I found out he was following a lot of insta models or whatever I would’ve dumped him. I find that a huge turnoff

Meerkatmanor4 · 07/12/2025 16:40

Go back in time. Never get with a partner like this in the first place!

Missj25 · 07/12/2025 16:53

Sodthesystem · 07/12/2025 15:51

The boundaries we set in relationships are for ourselves not for the otter person. You told him your boundary, he is ignoring it. I mean, time to go really isn't it then?

Either you stay and deal with the fact that this is him. Or you give him the elbow.

If he stops (let's face it, only for a little while again) that still doesn't change who he is. He's still the same sleeze.

And heads up, no, not all men watch porn either. Don't feel you have to excuse that if you aren't cool with it.

It's ok to hold people to a certain moral standard. But if they don't meet it, hold yourself to your own standards and boundaries and call it a day.

All Straight men like to look at Sexy Women believe it or not , doesn’t mean they’re sleezy !

ifuckescorts · 07/12/2025 16:54

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LWP · 07/12/2025 16:55

I would find that a massive turnoff and wouldn’t want to continue that relationship. However I appreciate it seems like you want to. I would sit him down and explain how it’s having an effect on your relationship, be brutally honest and say you don’t see things progressing if this doesn’t stop. I would also stop any sort of sexual activity with him in the meantime… it’s as if to say you aren’t enough? Is this really the kind of road you want to go down. Hope you are ok!

MissEva1 · 07/12/2025 19:28

set very clear boundaries and make him desire you. Men will always find other women attractive but we need to take charge sometimes. Sexy undies, passion and give him no excuse. Any more nonsense and get rid of him.

SwedishEdith · 07/12/2025 19:36

MissEva1 · 07/12/2025 19:28

set very clear boundaries and make him desire you. Men will always find other women attractive but we need to take charge sometimes. Sexy undies, passion and give him no excuse. Any more nonsense and get rid of him.

"make him desire you"??? 🙄

Sodthesystem · 07/12/2025 22:51

Missj25 · 07/12/2025 16:53

All Straight men like to look at Sexy Women believe it or not , doesn’t mean they’re sleezy !

Show quote history

If they're in a relationship yes it does. As does screenshotting them for later. Ick.

Now no one is perfect of course but have some standards FFS.

Missj25 · 07/12/2025 23:01

It’s on line , not real !!
And guess what , All men & women have me time & fantasies when we’re in relationships, doesn’t mean we would ever cheat on our partners , so it’s not ick that he screenshot a pic of a sexy woman for when he wants to look at her when he is having alone time !

MarginWalker · 07/12/2025 23:27

I’d never expect a man like this to change. The question is if you can live with this. And if this behavior is part of a larger pattern of looking elsewhere and not cherishing you deeply.

For me, this would be a huge turnoff. But I’m single and lots of women seem happily in relationships with men who do such things, so perhaps it works for them.

Itwasachristmasjoke · 07/12/2025 23:32

You either put up with it or get rid. Personally I'd get rid. Nothing wrong with finding someone attractive but screenshotting tik tok videos? He sounds grim

Sodthesystem · 08/12/2025 01:10

Missj25 · 07/12/2025 23:01

It’s on line , not real !!
And guess what , All men & women have me time & fantasies when we’re in relationships, doesn’t mean we would ever cheat on our partners , so it’s not ick that he screenshot a pic of a sexy woman for when he wants to look at her when he is having alone time !

Sounds like you've been told you need to accept low standards for so long you are now paroting it as a defense mechanism. Assuming that is that you don't take the piss out of your partner with such behaviour and are trying to justify it.

Men are perfectly capable of having a wank using their imagination the same as everyone else. Screenshotting insta models? Utterly grim.

Plenty of men hold themselves to a certain standard you know.

Bones101 · 08/12/2025 01:53

This is pure disrespect and like a form of cheating.

Anytime I dated someone I had a look at who he followed. Random women is a massive red flag, especially loads.

Screenshotting and liking is basically saying I fancy her.

Please dump him. Higher your standards.

Sashya · 08/12/2025 01:54

BauhausOfEliott · 07/12/2025 15:48

I think you need to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. I doubt he’s going to stop doing it so you need to think about whether it’s important enough to you to leave him over.

I’ll be honest: I’d be wary of any man who tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to look at any pictures of other men online. I just don’t think what I look at or fantasise about is any of my partner’s business and I think I’m entitled to my own private sexual thoughts about whatever and whoever I choose. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my partner and it doesn’t mean I don’t find him attractive - I’d rather die than cheat on him, frankly, and that’s after 23 years of being together.

@Curiouscow123
Completely agree with this. You need to decide what is important - being in a relationship where as you say - for the first time in your life you feel safe and loved... OR - give it up because in your eyes he is not perfect and because deep down you feel insecure and think if he is looking at pictures of attractive women - he'll cheat on you.

I think if your guy was constantly online looking at women; or ogled women in front of you; or preferred wanking to porn instead of having sex with you - fair enough, that is not a great relationship.
But in your case - his only "crime" is that he took snapshots of Tik Toks - which I assume you know because of looking at his phone? If you feel safe and loved - why are you not just being happy in a relationship? People tend to do it when their own issues and insecurities make them feel like they are not supposed to be happy, so they go out and look for signs that something is wrong.
Exactly what you are doing....

If my partner looked through my phone and questioned my looking at videos with men on Insta, etc - I'd find it ridiculous and controlling. And if - as someone suggested - my bf also said he'd stop having sex with me - I'd tell him to get his head sorted; and would pack his bags.

I have no desire to cheat - and seeing some guy doing a gym routine, or dancing is not going to make me do that.

It is not sleezy or disrespectful to see other women as attractive. It does NOT mean you are not enough, or he does not desire you. It's strange to assume that once paired up people will only see their partner as a sexual being.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/12/2025 02:07

Sashya · 08/12/2025 01:54

@Curiouscow123
Completely agree with this. You need to decide what is important - being in a relationship where as you say - for the first time in your life you feel safe and loved... OR - give it up because in your eyes he is not perfect and because deep down you feel insecure and think if he is looking at pictures of attractive women - he'll cheat on you.

I think if your guy was constantly online looking at women; or ogled women in front of you; or preferred wanking to porn instead of having sex with you - fair enough, that is not a great relationship.
But in your case - his only "crime" is that he took snapshots of Tik Toks - which I assume you know because of looking at his phone? If you feel safe and loved - why are you not just being happy in a relationship? People tend to do it when their own issues and insecurities make them feel like they are not supposed to be happy, so they go out and look for signs that something is wrong.
Exactly what you are doing....

If my partner looked through my phone and questioned my looking at videos with men on Insta, etc - I'd find it ridiculous and controlling. And if - as someone suggested - my bf also said he'd stop having sex with me - I'd tell him to get his head sorted; and would pack his bags.

I have no desire to cheat - and seeing some guy doing a gym routine, or dancing is not going to make me do that.

It is not sleezy or disrespectful to see other women as attractive. It does NOT mean you are not enough, or he does not desire you. It's strange to assume that once paired up people will only see their partner as a sexual being.

Show quote history

@Curiouscow123
This...

Is this the absolute deal breaker for you??

I also think similarly to this poster... Of everything else is fine?
I understand you find it icky? But are OK with dumping him because of it?

Only you can answer this.

Porn usage is massive... In both men AND women... It's the majority... It's been consistently shown that most men use porn - over three quarters and over half of women...

From recall a lot of academic research reports higher usage...

It does not mean than these people aren't loving and committed to their partners in my view

Here's a yougov poll

YouGov share.google/LeB7ihCl5KitnIS4t Source: YouGov share.google/LeB7ihCl5KitnIS4t