How to address partner lusting over online models

[Curiouscow123]

So my partner and I have been together 3 years. At start of relationship I noticed he followed a lot of insta accounts of models / OF girls. I explicitly told him this made me uncomfortable and I found it disrespectful and also just a bit weird. He acknowledged this and said he would unfollow them which he did. I’ve noticed he’s been screenshotting attractive girls / models that come up on TikTok / Facebook reels etc. I know men watch porn and are visual creatures an all - but how do I make it very clear I won’t tolerate this? Otherwise we are very happy and he’s the first man that’s made me feel safe and loved. This is the only negative I can comment on in our relationship so would like to work it out with him rather than just breaking up. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I know you havent asked @Curiouscow123@Curiouscow123

Here is a recent (ish) research paper on both women's (and links to male) porn use.. Summarises and synthesises the main studies.

It is VERY common!
https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1885532

I think most of us find partners wanking over random women pretty undesirable behavior. Because that is what he’s doing.

Exactly, I’ve just commented on another thread that I wouldn’t tolerate this from my 15 year old son, let alone my husband!

Raise your bar, OP, expect better!

Is that what your partner tells you , he never ever looks at any woman on his phone 😂 😂

I think people making comments like this misunderstand sexuality and wanking.

When porn is used as a visual aid in wanking - it is NOT the same as ‘wanking over a particular person’’. It does not lead someone to seek another sexual partner - and does not lead to cheating in real life.
It is a brief mental stimulation, mostly of our deep primal brains that aids arousal and leads to quicker physical release. Nothing more.

I do find it interesting that people who seem to want to police how their partner masturbates think that the evil is in having the visuals containing glimpses of other people’s bodies. I am guessing they imagine that in the absence of visuals their partner will only think about them - and thus be not in risk of cheating.

‘Raise your bar’ and demand/expect your man only ever think of you when having any sexual thought - and has no physical reaction to any other female in the world - is delusional.

‘I wouldn’t tolerate this from my 15 year old son, let alone my husband!’…. What does this mean in real life - you spot check your H’s phone and look for porn? You control his thoughts when he wanks?
And as to the 15yo - who exactly is he supposed to fantasise about if not the Insta pinups? His friends from school?…🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to clear up aswel incase I’m coming across wrong .

I think it’s fine to look at vids & pics on the phone when having me time .
I don’t think it’s fine to sit in living room & be following women on insta or whatever else .
If my partner was having me time more than wanting sex with me , then there would be a problem

Looking back, I've always enjoyed those long threads on X and indeed MN where someone says, "can we just take a moment to appreciate the young Robert Redford" or whatever, followed by a long string of follow-up posts with pictures of posters' favourite examples of male beauty and/or foxiness.

So I can't get too hung up on a partner looking at pictures of gorgeous people

I’d find it pretty gross, particularly that he’s screenshotting them to save and look back on. It also indicates a huge lack of imagination which would be a personal turn off for me. Who needs to save pictures of attractive women on their phone when they have every scenario and type of woman they can imagine at their disposal?

In my relationship we both agreed no porn no socials no lusting over others, open phone policy we are committed to eachother. All our sexual energy is directed at eachother. We both chose that. It is entirely possible for men to want that too. They are not cavemen incapable of agency if they want to be. They do have to choose that for themselves though. It's also not a easy switch to turn off. It's years of habitual behaviour and entitlement. That takes conscious effort to change not empty promises. My husband is part of a men group that supports men becoming better men, fathers and partners. It's something he is very passionate about. Lots of them have done this kind of behaviour looking to numb out to escape life. Lots of them are very miserable till they start taking agency over their lives.

Both my husband and I are happier than ever. It takes zero effort at all.
So yes plenty do watch porn, masturbate over others but what kind of relationship do YOU want? YOU get to choose op.

For many years growing up I thought that's just what men do and I had to just accept it. It never made me feel loved, chosen or cherished. It never made the relationship better. Id never pick it as a preference in a partner and don't know any women who would personally.

Having the partner I do now I could never go back to any other kind of relationship I'd rather be single than be in a open relationship with pixels on a screen.

If you have a boundary you need to enforce it through real 'consequences'

the consequence of him ignoring your boundary is that he doesn't get to have a relationship with you

That's the only consequence that will work. Otherwise he knows you moan/whinge about it and he continues

Personally this would be 100 per cent unacceptable and I (after years of making shit choices with men) learnt that the way to avoid this is to choose only to have a relationship with a man who would think this is gross and creepy just like I do.

For me OP I would find it quite immmature and cringe if my husband was following half naked models on instagram, just because it’s in the public domain and shows a lack of thought to me. However I know he watches porn privately and that just doesn’t bother me. It’s where your own boundaries lie. If he doesn’t meet them after you have communicated then you are entitled to end the relationship.

Yeah, you really should continue this relationship, your self esteem will flourish🙄

People are fully capable of masturbating to the sensation alone. You don't have to fantasise or need any visual aid at all. It's not mandatory. All just personal preference.

Can I be blunt? This is what I’d say if my friend came to me with your issue.

I’d say, I know you’re not going to take the advice to “just leave him,” because you’re focused on fixing the one issue you see in front of you. He’s perfect in every other way, and you’ve built a version of your future around that. I get it.

BUT as the saying goes “you can’t fix a cracked foundation by decorating the house”. Your DP’s behaviour suggests there is a lack of respect and if he respected you, he wouldn’t feel the need to look elsewhere. People might say “that’s just how men are,” but that’s an excuse, not a standard you need to accept!

I live by the saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Why? It's perfectly normal to masturbate and using a visual aid is common. Even if he wasn't looking at pictures (and that seems to be all he's doing, looking at pictures, not watching porn or subscribing to OnlyFans), the OP can't police his fantasies and he could be thinking of anyone.

This obsession on Mumsnet with policing partner's masturbation habits and sexual fantasies is really weird.

But they don't have to if they don't want to and it's really none of your business.

It's my business if they want to be in a relationship with me. We all have agency to leave relationships if they aren't working for us. We can all set our own boundaries and they can look very different to what is normal or common.

Of course you can set whatever boundary, however weird and controlling, you wish.

How would you propose to police what your partner fantasises about when he/she masturbates?

You have absolutely no idea what someone thinks about when they’re masturbating, or indeed when they’re having sex with you.

And people can also live without a need to control other people masturbation, just so their fragile sense of self worth is maintained.

If your H tells you that when he sees, say Sydney Sweeney - he does not see that she is a sexually attractive woman in her prime - you are beyond delusional.

I don’t know what happened to you to be so fearful of healthy sexuality. Finding others attractive is an evolutional biological function - you can’t shut it down. However - we are able to make conscious choices not to follow all our biological impulses. So - we don’t try to have sex with every attractive individual, or don‘t kill people that anger us.

The sort of ‘relationship’ you are describing sounds like hell to me. I don’t need him to ‘re-train’ himself and pretend he is not a sexual being. And he doesn’t need me to pretend that I did not notice a sexy guy who walked by. And if I want to masturbate - i don’t need to follow somebody’s rule book of for what I think about or what I look at.

No I fully agree I have no control over that at all. But by having a open transparent relationship where we do talk about everything including sexual fantasies and we agree together what our relationship looks like together you can lay out boundaries. Someone hiding or unwilling to have that depth to the relationship I wouldn't be in a relationship with. Eventually things to come out in the open.

How can I give my consent to have sex with someone if they are privately masturbating and fantasising over animals, violence or children. I think most of us would not want to.
Can I ever truly know? No I can't see into someone's head.
Usually Someone hiding that eventually shows themselves in some way or something feels off. I do trust my gut with this. Those things don't go away like op is seeing.

For us personally that also includes other people and pornography.
So my husband and I have agreed we don't fantasise about anything but eachother. We prefer sex over masturbation so that's what we focus on. It's a choice. A preference we are utterly uninterested in anything else and see it as a waste of time.
Neither of us are interested in hiding parts of ourselves from eachother. We are open to exploring and trying new things all the time but we both have to be in agreement obviously.

Ofcourse all this time I could be secretly fantasising about something else no one can truly know for sure but what a bloody boring life to hide when I could be out living it if I so wanted to or equally it my husband could well be into it. So we'd just chat about it.

I appreciate its a different way of being in a relationship and others prefer more privacy and autonomy. That's great for them. It's just not for us.
I'm certainly not controlling or forcing anyone with my boundaries that's not how healthy boundaries work at all.
My husband is welcome to leave at anytime or discuss changing anything we currently do.

So yes I see it as my business who or what my partner fantasies about because I want to know them fully. I want to be able to consent fully to sex. Maybe it's something we can share who knows.
I can't fully police them no but I can observe behaviour. if signs are showing up of pornography use they have secretive behaviour or things feel off then no I want to be in that relationship and they would know that from the off. I'm very clear.

It's not control when it's a choice.
If I invite you to party you have a choice if you attend or not. That's what boundaries are, a invitation. My husband chose to not masturbate and prioritise sex instead his choice. He is happy with that. I'm not particularly fussed either way but it was important to him so we agreed that's what we would do untill one of us want to change things then we'd discuss it. It's been 3 years he doesn't want to change it. We talk regularly about everything. Our sex life has been wonderful and we feel more connected than ever. I'd say we have a very adventurous and healthy sex life. It just happens to focus on us two together.

Sydney sweeny is an attractive young woman both me and my husband would agree. Neither feel the need to actively interact or do anything about that. There are many attractive people. We both have eyes. It's our choice with how we interact with that information. I choose not to double take or search up people. I'm busy it's not worthwhile to me. I'd rather spend time with My husband who is actually in my life. This takes no effort at all. Infact searching out others would take more effort for me.

We go to holiday parks and see near naked very attractive people neither of us are standing with a bag over our heads. Neither of us are double taking or drooling. They are just bodies and not the person we are most attracted to. We can also drive past McDonald's and think that would be nice but we are going to have dinner at home. We have agency we can acknowledge other options but still choose what we want. We are not slaves to our impulses.

At the risk of being very literal (which many men are), you asked him to stop the watching on OF and Insta, and he did.
Did you say not to look at Facebook and TikTok?

Cut your losses and dump him.

You already made your wishes clear and he has ignored them.

In your eyes would a healthy sexuality be us both alone in separate rooms masturbating to sydney sweeney and then too tired/uninterested in having sex together?