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Original poster

Embarrassed about my ex finally coming to our child’s school

56 replies

cookie232 · 06/12/2025 14:20

After years of never setting foot in his school, my ex, my child’s father, has suddenly decided he’s coming to watch him perform in a play. After the performance there’s a small gathering for parents to chat and mingle. The problem is… no one has ever met him before, and I’m honestly embarrassed at the thought of other parents finally seeing who he is.

I feel ashamed that I was ever married to him and worried people will judge me for having a child with him or see me differently afterwards. Sometimes I look at him and genuinely wonder what I was thinking for ever giving him the time of day. 🙄

Meanwhile, my child is absolutely thrilled that he’s coming.

How do I handle these feelings?

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 06/12/2025 14:22

“Meanwhile, my child is absolutely thrilled that he’s coming.”

I guess you just focus on this?

What’s wrong with him? Why are you embarrassed to have been with him?

Wolfpa · 06/12/2025 14:23

You focus on your child’s excitement about seeing him there and try your best to make him feel welcome.

hopefully this is him turning a corner and he will be seen at many more events. If you don’t make him feel welcome this could be a one and only thing which would be a shame for your child

KilkennyCats · 06/12/2025 14:24

What is so wrong with him that he’ll have people running for cover and judging you afterwards?
What a load of nonsense.

Checknotmymate · 06/12/2025 14:27

I meet all the parents regularly in my dc's classes. I could not tell you half of their names and I definitely wouldn't even think about who is or was paired with which other parent to work out ex relationships.

You are massively over thinking. No one will notice or care or even think to judge you in any way. They will all be thinking the same thing: when can we leave.

Theunamedcat · 06/12/2025 14:27

He should be embarrassed more than you for not showing up for years

I've an ex who developed a drug habit after we split anyone who saw him at that time woukd be side eying me especially if they didnt know him from before

LeafyMcLeafFace · 06/12/2025 14:29

Remind yourself that it’s not about you, it’s about your child. Presumably people know he’s an ex so you don’t need to worry that people will think you’re still married.
Be pleasant for your child’s benefit and then move on with your life.

Herbisaurous · 06/12/2025 14:29

Does he have 3 heads?

KilkennyCats · 06/12/2025 14:31

Herbisaurous · 06/12/2025 14:29

Does he have 3 heads?

Maybe she married the elephant man.

PurpleKate · 06/12/2025 14:32

Honestly, it’s mostly likely that no one will judge, or if they do, it will be him they judge, not you. Hold your head up and enjoy.

HairyToity · 06/12/2025 14:33

Your child is thrilled, and that's important. I would judge someone badly who acts embarrassed by her ex, and wants to hide the father of her child away. You bred with him, so own it!

Original poster
cookie232 · 06/12/2025 15:14

Thank you all. These comments are very helpful. I do know I need to get a grip.

No, he doesn’t have three heads. He just looks a little unkept I guess. He doesn’t shave, he cuts his own hair and has a questionable sense of style. I know that sounds incredibly shallow. I’m naturally quite reserved, whereas he can be loud and draw attention to himself.

He does adore our child though.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 06/12/2025 15:17

"He does adore our child though."

Then focus on that

The most anyone is going to negatively think is "no wonder he's the ex"

If they think anything at all. Which they likely won't because people just dont care that much about random encounters with people who aren't part of their lives.

Sonya2017 · 06/12/2025 15:23

Maybe you should leave your obvious shallowness aside and think about your child!?

Endofyear · 06/12/2025 15:46

Honestly, the other parents will be concentrating on their own children, teachers will be concentrating on getting all the kids sorted out and making sure the play runs smoothly. No-one will be looking at you or your ex and judging you! And even if they did, so what? Wouldn't it say a lot more about them than it would you?

RightSheSaid · 06/12/2025 16:00

Why do you care what they think? Why is their opinion of you important? These a random school parents. They have no baring on your life. I hope he comes and that coming once means coming next time is less daunting for him. A present and involved parent will benifit your child. You only concern should be the happiness of your child.

Sprogonthetyne · 06/12/2025 17:13

I have no idea which child the vaguely familiar parents at my DC's school belong to. They are very unlikely to even realise it is you who has a shared child with him, and even if they do, will not care.

OkWinifred · 06/12/2025 19:08

cookie232 · 06/12/2025 15:14

Thank you all. These comments are very helpful. I do know I need to get a grip.

No, he doesn’t have three heads. He just looks a little unkept I guess. He doesn’t shave, he cuts his own hair and has a questionable sense of style. I know that sounds incredibly shallow. I’m naturally quite reserved, whereas he can be loud and draw attention to himself.

He does adore our child though.

I understand how you feel.

Can you ask him (very tactfully) to have a little bit of self respect just for this occasion, or at the very least a shave?

Or would it cause WW3 ?

Redrosesposies · 06/12/2025 19:16

I'm getting Frank Gallagher vibes (Shameless in case one isn't aware).
Rise above it OP. Not your problem and if your child is thrilled about it just put your game face on.
Hope he actually turns up and doesn't disappoint your DC.

Checknotmymate · 06/12/2025 19:24

If I see a parent looking unkempt then I assume they've just got off a long night shift but still managed to make it to the school thing.

ladykale · 06/12/2025 19:58

Sprogonthetyne · 06/12/2025 17:13

I have no idea which child the vaguely familiar parents at my DC's school belong to. They are very unlikely to even realise it is you who has a shared child with him, and even if they do, will not care.

This is unusual. Classes only have 22-30 kids typically.

I know every parent and child by face even if I don’t know all of their names

yes people might gossip if he’s that unkempt - more “I wouldn’t have placed X with X”

Happyflower12345 · 07/12/2025 14:00

Focus on how happy this makes your child. If other parents judge you or your child's father, what will happen? you might feel embarrassed but that's it. it really isn't the end of the world and feeling emotions shouldn't be something to be scared of. What other people think really isn't any of your business so shouldn't be something you're scared of.

Branwells77 · 07/12/2025 14:03

I wouldn’t worry about it honestly your DC will be over the moon that finally his Dad is there to see him, if people want to gossip they will regardless off what your ex looks like enjoy the performance and your DC being so happy and remember most of the other parents will have a past they are embarrassed about too

PlazaAthenee · 07/12/2025 14:08

Don't worry. If the other parents think he's a pain then they'll have masses of sympathy for you.

I saw the most awful dad appear at one school play. He spent all the time trying to wave and bob up and down to get his daughters attention. Total dick. I understood why he wasn't with the mum anymore.

Hiptothisjive · 07/12/2025 14:09

Who cares. He's your kids dad and he wants to come - thats all there is.

Stop judging his appearance or thr total no reaction of others.

Lots of parents don’t come to every thing at a school and no one judges then (especially other teachers who can’t). Appearance (physical annd showing up) isn’t the end all and be all of a good parent.

You are looking for reasons and make this about you. It isn’t. Get some perspective.

Usernamenotav · 07/12/2025 17:06

I think you're severely overestimating how much people will care or even notice.

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