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Original poster

Embarrassed about my ex finally coming to our child’s school

56 replies

cookie232 · 06/12/2025 14:20

After years of never setting foot in his school, my ex, my child’s father, has suddenly decided he’s coming to watch him perform in a play. After the performance there’s a small gathering for parents to chat and mingle. The problem is… no one has ever met him before, and I’m honestly embarrassed at the thought of other parents finally seeing who he is.

I feel ashamed that I was ever married to him and worried people will judge me for having a child with him or see me differently afterwards. Sometimes I look at him and genuinely wonder what I was thinking for ever giving him the time of day. 🙄

Meanwhile, my child is absolutely thrilled that he’s coming.

How do I handle these feelings?

OP posts:
Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 07/12/2025 17:34

I wouldn't worry, from what you've described I'd think "oh God, he's fallen apart after the split, she must have managed getting him booked in for hair cuts, buying his clothes etx". I've seen lots of friends exes look really rough after splitting, they clearly relied on their partners for all of their day to day hygiene and life admin. Your child is thrilled, he's stepping up which is a good thing, try and be positive about it all.

Viewsaremyown · 07/12/2025 17:39

Look up the ‘let them’ theory and stop worrying what anyone else thinks. Besides, if he’s that bad then people will understand why he’s your ex!

Lamentingalways · 07/12/2025 19:09

I don’t think you’re being ridiculous at all. People do notice and people do judge. Nothing you can
do though lol. It’ll all be over in a day or two… if he shows.

Onceuponatimethen · 07/12/2025 19:16

Don’t worry OP - everyone will be too busy WhatsApping pictures of their own kid to their MIL, DM, neighbours etc! No one will notice or care and you might end up just being so grateful he’s finally there for once for your dc. And on that note you should be so proud of being the one showing up year in year out for all that time Flowers

MCF86 · 07/12/2025 19:19

cookie232 · 06/12/2025 15:14

Thank you all. These comments are very helpful. I do know I need to get a grip.

No, he doesn’t have three heads. He just looks a little unkept I guess. He doesn’t shave, he cuts his own hair and has a questionable sense of style. I know that sounds incredibly shallow. I’m naturally quite reserved, whereas he can be loud and draw attention to himself.

He does adore our child though.

Honestly, I could have written your posts on this 😂 I do cringe, massively. I think because I had such an "ick" in the end. But I tell myself I must have seen something in him once, and my child is thrilled when he shows up.

Manthide · 07/12/2025 20:30

MCF86 · 07/12/2025 19:19

Honestly, I could have written your posts on this 😂 I do cringe, massively. I think because I had such an "ick" in the end. But I tell myself I must have seen something in him once, and my child is thrilled when he shows up.

Show quote history

Sounds like my ex too! Ds graduated this year and exdh dressed smartly etc but he was so rude to the gentleman who was sitting next to him that I had to swap seats! The man asked exdh whether it was our son or daughter who was graduating and he told him it was our daughter! He was just lying all the time, then he said no it was our son.

Peoplemakemedespair · 07/12/2025 20:33

At worst I’d probably think no wonder he’s an ex, she can clearly do better. People will be judging him, not you. And does it really matter what these people think?

KilkennyCats · 07/12/2025 21:32

Peoplemakemedespair · 07/12/2025 20:33

At worst I’d probably think no wonder he’s an ex, she can clearly do better. People will be judging him, not you. And does it really matter what these people think?

We only have op’s word for it that it’s apparent she could do better.

WiltedLettuce · 07/12/2025 21:54

I know quite a few lovely women married to or in relationships with complete tossers. Wouldn't bat an eyelid but would internally congratulate you for ditching him and feel sorry for you having to deal with him until your child reaches adulthood.

Vodka1 · 07/12/2025 23:07

What an ugly attitude to have.

You chose him!

Couldn't care less how anyone dresses personally, nor have I ever looked at anyone on the school run and thought, aha I saw cookies kids dad and they must cut their own hair at home!

Grow up

meganorks · 08/12/2025 00:49

I think you are massively overestimating how much of a shit anyone else will give about you, your ex, your child. A lot of people will just bugger off straight away. Others will talk amongst themselves. I'm not sure it is even that unusual to have never seen a kids dad before, even if the parents are still together.

Be happy he is there for your child and that the child is happy. And maybe happy at all the ways you now know how incompatible you are. No one else cares

mindutopia · 08/12/2025 13:37

I’ve been attending these sorts of school events for years. Honestly, no one really wants to talk to other parents and I see loads of people who I have no idea who they are, and I can’t be asked thinking about it. He could just be a weird uncle. Most people will be preoccupied herding their own children and taking photos. They will not notice or care.

The only time I’ve ever taken an interest in another parent (?) at the school play was the time when someone’s dishevelled dad/grandad/uncle sat in the very front row periodically swigging from a bottle of vodka in his bag. 😳 Even dd who was like 9 at the time was like, mum, I kept getting distracted because I was watching that man drink alcohol during the play!

To this day, have no idea which child he went with, but I’m a little curious.

LassitersLegend · 10/12/2025 07:42

Get a grip! It's not about you and who cares about the other parents, what a sad act! It's about your child.

LamonicBibber1 · 10/12/2025 07:56

My ex often looks like Stig of the dump. He has many faults, but that isn't a genuine one. He works very hard in a physical job. (We do rib him for it mind you ) But I could never do his job! Not in a million years.

He's also been judged by others based on his appearance, it's interesting to see it happen. Up to and including disgusting racism he's experienced in the UK.

You would meet him and instantly judge him OP, I suspect... But he's much better than I am at working the parent crowd! He chats and laughs and makes friends with people, where I really struggle because I'm more introverted and less able to find common ground with people. He happily does all of the school fairs and plays and blah.

It's very sad if your child feels you're ashamed of 50% of who created him, just because he's a scruff. We are on a rock floating through space...nothing really matters. If he's not actually a bad person, then please get some perspective. You'll feel better too.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/12/2025 09:31

If anyone says anything (literally no one will, no one does) then have a quip handy:

”I KNOW, what a weird sperm donor I picked “ Grin

MyKindHiker · 10/12/2025 09:38

This happened with one of the mums at my son's school. Ex showed up unkempt and with a literal black eye. She was mortified. I can assure you no one cared (and as a barometer this is at a very judgy / gossipy prep school). We were mostly just confused how stressed she was about it all.

AllTheChaos · 10/12/2025 09:41

I had this, because my ex used to flirt outrageously with all the mums - and had affairs with several. I just gritted my teeth, smiled and was polite, as DD wanted him there. Luckily he’s usually too busy these days to attend.

rainbowunicorn22 · 10/12/2025 09:41

its your child's day, focus on that. he is happy they have their dad there. people know he is your ex. just let it be

MyKindHiker · 10/12/2025 09:43

LamonicBibber1 · 10/12/2025 07:56

My ex often looks like Stig of the dump. He has many faults, but that isn't a genuine one. He works very hard in a physical job. (We do rib him for it mind you ) But I could never do his job! Not in a million years.

He's also been judged by others based on his appearance, it's interesting to see it happen. Up to and including disgusting racism he's experienced in the UK.

You would meet him and instantly judge him OP, I suspect... But he's much better than I am at working the parent crowd! He chats and laughs and makes friends with people, where I really struggle because I'm more introverted and less able to find common ground with people. He happily does all of the school fairs and plays and blah.

It's very sad if your child feels you're ashamed of 50% of who created him, just because he's a scruff. We are on a rock floating through space...nothing really matters. If he's not actually a bad person, then please get some perspective. You'll feel better too.

Interesting that scruff is where we went with this - when that's not what OP said. She just said she's ashamed of him.

You're right there are loads worse things than scruffy, so let's assume the OP isn't just a totally shallow princess and has real reasons for being worried.

He could be a massive racist who will show up in a swastika t-shirt.

He could be a showy, fake tanned, Rolex-touting boor.

He could be really rude and obnoxious.

Maybe he has terrible breath and BO.

He could be a crack addict with prison tattoos on his face who's going to show up stoned.

There are heaps of situations someone would genuinely be in their rights to be worried and concerned!

Gettingbysomehow · 10/12/2025 09:44

Funny isnt it how kids seem to idolise the one absent parent who does bugger all in their lives.

CandyCaneKisses · 10/12/2025 09:44

I don’t think anybody will care about your ex. They’ll be happy to see their child after the performance.

Mydadsbirthday · 10/12/2025 09:48

If he adores your child why has he never engaged with school before?

Do you have to stick with him at the parents mingling thing? Does he have to come to that part?

arcticpandas · 10/12/2025 09:50

My dad has never been stylish. My friends loved him because he was very friendly, loved kids and made them laugh (a bit immature but heyho). This is about your son. If his dad is nice and friendly only stuck up superficial people will judge him for his looks (unless you are going to drip feed that he's dirty and smells of piss and alcohol). These people shouldn't matter to you anyway so you dodge a bullet if they avoid you.

KilkennyCats · 10/12/2025 09:52

MyKindHiker · 10/12/2025 09:43

Interesting that scruff is where we went with this - when that's not what OP said. She just said she's ashamed of him.

You're right there are loads worse things than scruffy, so let's assume the OP isn't just a totally shallow princess and has real reasons for being worried.

He could be a massive racist who will show up in a swastika t-shirt.

He could be a showy, fake tanned, Rolex-touting boor.

He could be really rude and obnoxious.

Maybe he has terrible breath and BO.

He could be a crack addict with prison tattoos on his face who's going to show up stoned.

There are heaps of situations someone would genuinely be in their rights to be worried and concerned!

Show quote history

If any of the above were an issue, I imagine op would have mentioned it…
What she did mention was that he had terrible fashion sense and cuts his own hair.
He just looks a little unkept (unkempt, presumably), I guess are her actual words.
I think we can therefore assume that’s the worst of it, without making things up to make op sound better.
She had the chance to do that herself and it didn’t happen.

QwertyAtThirty · 10/12/2025 09:52

MyKindHiker · 10/12/2025 09:43

Interesting that scruff is where we went with this - when that's not what OP said. She just said she's ashamed of him.

You're right there are loads worse things than scruffy, so let's assume the OP isn't just a totally shallow princess and has real reasons for being worried.

He could be a massive racist who will show up in a swastika t-shirt.

He could be a showy, fake tanned, Rolex-touting boor.

He could be really rude and obnoxious.

Maybe he has terrible breath and BO.

He could be a crack addict with prison tattoos on his face who's going to show up stoned.

There are heaps of situations someone would genuinely be in their rights to be worried and concerned!

Show quote history

What? He's not any of those things - the OP literally said that it's because he looks a bit dishevelled, doesn't shave, cuts his own hair, and has a distinctive sense of style. Do you not think that if his face was covered with prison tattoos or he enjoyed wearing nazi paraphernalia she'd have mentioned that in her description? Confused
There is a dad at DS's school who looks a bit like this - messy hair, clothes that never look entirely clean, just generally a but unkempt. He's a tree surgeon or something. Perfectly nice guy, just presumably doesn't see the point in dressing up and doing his hair to impress the squirrels!