Long story but I have no idea where to turn and what to do next.
H and I have been together years and have 4 DCs. H is autistic which may have an influence on his behaviour here
It started a couple of months ago, my friend saw him at a coffee shop. She mentioned it too me in passing like 'Oh it was nice to bump into him kindof way' but he should have been in work. I asked him about this and he initially said he was on a lunch break. I pointed out this seemed unlikely given his work is 30 mins away from this shop and he passes other shops on the way. He stormed off saying I shouldn't accuse him of lying. Then came back a few hours later saying he was sorry and he was planning my Xmas present. This seemed odd as well as we normally keep gifts casual but can't argue with a present and he seemed genuine and I had no reason not to trust him.
His work xmas do is normally the end of November as they are busy in December. Normally we always go together. I asked him about it and he said there wasn't one this year. Then a couple of weekends ago I'm on social media and I can see pictures of the Xmas party. I asked H about it and he got upset and said that he chose not to go cause he is being bullied by people in work.
I was obviously very upset for him, comforted him, and asked him why he hadn't mentioned it sooner. He said he was worried I'd cause drama or get involved. Which again was odd cause I'm not that type of person. But he said I'd gone into school to sort out some problems our DC had been having. But again I just spoke to the class teacher once it there was no drama. But he insisted and he was so upset I just let it go and comforted him.
Then my friend from the coffee shop story messaged me to say she's sorry to tell me this, but she had been seeing H in a cafe on and off for the last couple of weeks. She took some pictures as proof and they were from various times of day. Again when he should have been working. She was worried that maybe he was meeting someone else but hadn't seen him with anyone. Just sitting by himself.
I confronted him and he broke down saying he had lost his job a few months ago. He was bullied out by some of his colleagues, and he was too embarrassed to tell me. That he thought he get a new job easily but couldn't find one and then he was worried that if I found out he'd been lying for so long I would leave him. That he has been paying the bills from his personal savings so I wouldn't notice a difference.
I was upset he felt he couldn't tell me and that he had lied for so long but I also felt so bad for him. He was so upset.
So I asked him to promise me that he was telling me the whole truth. That I will be upset if he is lying to me again. He swore that this was the whole truth, he was very sorry. So I agreed that we would work through this together as team.
Last night I was doing some shopping and I bumped into H s old manager. He asked how H was getting on and then said how sorry he was for what happened but his hands were tied. I said I was a bit disappointed. H was a loyal worker for him for years, and it was a shame others had spoiled it.
He looked really put out and said that he had done all he could for H and I should be glad they didn't involve the police. I asked what he meant, and he then got all awkward and refused to elaborate.
So I went home and told H I had seen his ld manager and he has told me everything so he had better tell me his side of the story now. So he broke down and told me that actually he had been fired. That he had been caught stealing money from the company. Luckily, it was just a small amount, so they just fired him and didn't involve the police. But he admitted that it was just a test and had he not been caught he would have stolen more. He started buying stuff on his online games he plays and he got addicted to getting just one more power up or one more thing.
He started really cutting into his savings doing i so he started investing in stocks to make some cash to replace what he took. Initially this went really well and he made a fair amount of money that he used to refill his savings and buy his game things. But then he made a mistake. Tried to cover it by using his savings to buy more shares. That didn't work so he tried to invest in various things which also didn't work. So he tried to steal from work basically because he assumed he would get away with it because he is clever.
Then he got caught and lost his job and has been lying about it for months. He can't get a job in his current field because its a close community and everyone local knows what he did. But he struggling to find a job that he 'wants' to work.
I was so upset both by what he has done and all the lying. He has been lying to me for months. So I told him to leave so I can have some space.
He was upset begging me not to make him leave, he is so sorry he can change etc. I told him to go and he eventually went to his mums.
Since then he has been messaging and calling nonstop begging me to forgive him. Saying he will never lie again. He loves me so much. He doesn't know how he will live without me. I replied once telling him to give me space and I won't be replying till I've had time to think. But he keeps going, and now his mum is getting involved messaging me begging me to see it from his side. He is so sorry that I can't keep him away from the kids at this time of year.
I don't know what to do. My heart wants to just let him home but at the same time I know he has betrayed me. He lied to me for months and I can't see how I will trust him again. I feel sick when I think about it, how could he lie to me for so long. He's sorry now but if I hadn't bumped into his manager I'd still be thinking he was a victim of some awful bullying. He promised to my face there was nothing else and I just can't see how we can come back from that.