H has been lying for months, What now?

[Lostthewiseolive]

Long story but I have no idea where to turn and what to do next.
H and I have been together years and have 4 DCs. H is autistic which may have an influence on his behaviour here

It started a couple of months ago, my friend saw him at a coffee shop. She mentioned it too me in passing like 'Oh it was nice to bump into him kindof way' but he should have been in work. I asked him about this and he initially said he was on a lunch break. I pointed out this seemed unlikely given his work is 30 mins away from this shop and he passes other shops on the way. He stormed off saying I shouldn't accuse him of lying. Then came back a few hours later saying he was sorry and he was planning my Xmas present. This seemed odd as well as we normally keep gifts casual but can't argue with a present and he seemed genuine and I had no reason not to trust him.

His work xmas do is normally the end of November as they are busy in December. Normally we always go together. I asked him about it and he said there wasn't one this year. Then a couple of weekends ago I'm on social media and I can see pictures of the Xmas party. I asked H about it and he got upset and said that he chose not to go cause he is being bullied by people in work.
I was obviously very upset for him, comforted him, and asked him why he hadn't mentioned it sooner. He said he was worried I'd cause drama or get involved. Which again was odd cause I'm not that type of person. But he said I'd gone into school to sort out some problems our DC had been having. But again I just spoke to the class teacher once it there was no drama. But he insisted and he was so upset I just let it go and comforted him.

Then my friend from the coffee shop story messaged me to say she's sorry to tell me this, but she had been seeing H in a cafe on and off for the last couple of weeks. She took some pictures as proof and they were from various times of day. Again when he should have been working. She was worried that maybe he was meeting someone else but hadn't seen him with anyone. Just sitting by himself.

I confronted him and he broke down saying he had lost his job a few months ago. He was bullied out by some of his colleagues, and he was too embarrassed to tell me. That he thought he get a new job easily but couldn't find one and then he was worried that if I found out he'd been lying for so long I would leave him. That he has been paying the bills from his personal savings so I wouldn't notice a difference.
I was upset he felt he couldn't tell me and that he had lied for so long but I also felt so bad for him. He was so upset.
So I asked him to promise me that he was telling me the whole truth. That I will be upset if he is lying to me again. He swore that this was the whole truth, he was very sorry. So I agreed that we would work through this together as team.

Last night I was doing some shopping and I bumped into H s old manager. He asked how H was getting on and then said how sorry he was for what happened but his hands were tied. I said I was a bit disappointed. H was a loyal worker for him for years, and it was a shame others had spoiled it.
He looked really put out and said that he had done all he could for H and I should be glad they didn't involve the police. I asked what he meant, and he then got all awkward and refused to elaborate.

So I went home and told H I had seen his ld manager and he has told me everything so he had better tell me his side of the story now. So he broke down and told me that actually he had been fired. That he had been caught stealing money from the company. Luckily, it was just a small amount, so they just fired him and didn't involve the police. But he admitted that it was just a test and had he not been caught he would have stolen more. He started buying stuff on his online games he plays and he got addicted to getting just one more power up or one more thing.

He started really cutting into his savings doing i so he started investing in stocks to make some cash to replace what he took. Initially this went really well and he made a fair amount of money that he used to refill his savings and buy his game things. But then he made a mistake. Tried to cover it by using his savings to buy more shares. That didn't work so he tried to invest in various things which also didn't work. So he tried to steal from work basically because he assumed he would get away with it because he is clever.
Then he got caught and lost his job and has been lying about it for months. He can't get a job in his current field because its a close community and everyone local knows what he did. But he struggling to find a job that he 'wants' to work.

I was so upset both by what he has done and all the lying. He has been lying to me for months. So I told him to leave so I can have some space.
He was upset begging me not to make him leave, he is so sorry he can change etc. I told him to go and he eventually went to his mums.

Since then he has been messaging and calling nonstop begging me to forgive him. Saying he will never lie again. He loves me so much. He doesn't know how he will live without me. I replied once telling him to give me space and I won't be replying till I've had time to think. But he keeps going, and now his mum is getting involved messaging me begging me to see it from his side. He is so sorry that I can't keep him away from the kids at this time of year.

I don't know what to do. My heart wants to just let him home but at the same time I know he has betrayed me. He lied to me for months and I can't see how I will trust him again. I feel sick when I think about it, how could he lie to me for so long. He's sorry now but if I hadn't bumped into his manager I'd still be thinking he was a victim of some awful bullying. He promised to my face there was nothing else and I just can't see how we can come back from that.

Sadly @Lostthewiseolive financial infidelity like this is marriage ending.

As others have said, he's an addict, and if you stay married to him, he'll drag you down with him. You must legally separate yourself from this man to protect yourself and your children's futures.

This is very serious.

Try watching some Dave Ramsey videos on this same topic on youtube. He gives good financial advice. It's American, but it'll still be helpful.

You cannot stay legally married to this man.

Watch this:

Another one (Dave Ramsey's a Christian, hence why he doesn't jump straight to divorce but it's still definitely worth watching this one):

Even reading the comments on this channel's videos are worthwhile, so many real life experiences from people in the comments.

One of his channels:
(9) The Ramsey Show Highlights - YouTube

He has shown you who he is. Now show your children who you are - mum.

Move all the money out of the joint account. Not to take anything away from him, just to keep it safe to pay the bills. His family will eventually stop subsidising his gambling and he will then look elsewhere for the funds to feed his habit.

He may have credit cards that you are unaware of.

I think he sounds more akin to another child than a true partner . I initially felt sorry for him but then all the lies came tumbling out . I’m not sure I’d carry on with him now the trust has gone . You say he loves you but you don’t put your families security at risk for games do you .

I think he's a gambling addict.

I dont believe hes just stopped gambling. Thats not how addiction works. Remember this is a man who gambled all of his savings away, took money from family, STOLE from his job and has spent months LYING to you. Make no mistake he is a full blown addict.

Hes just got better at hiding his addiction. Thats what they do. Now matter what you decide, you have a long road ahead of you. If you choose to stay with him you cannot trust him with money. You'll have to watch his every move. Hes already proven he is an accomplished liar. Even if he does all of the right things and gets help, you can never fully trust him again because relapse is part of addiction.

On the other hand, it's easy for strangers on the Internet to tell you to leave him. But thats a hard road in itself. There's no easy way out of this OP.

As someone who's dad died of liver failure, can I ask that we don't say "gaming is the worst kind of addiction". All addiction is horrible but come on.

I think if he is normally of good character I would assume he has developed an addiction to gaming / gambling. Not to excuse his behaviour but they are known to be incredibly addictive and designed to be, obviously, to make people spend more money. Some people react more strongly to these types of games than others (just like many people can drink moderately but some become alcoholics).

The follow on from this probably depends a lot on your view of addiction and your inclination to try and stick by an addict.

I think if I were you I would try and talk to him about the gaming / his behaviour and see how you feel. I have a fair amount of sympathy for people who are suffering from addiction so in your situation I think I’d probably be inclined to stick by him (assuming you love him) but I wouldn’t necessary say that’s objectively the best idea. Your life would probably be better if you walked away.l to be honest. Sorry OP, you must feel absolutely shell shocked.

As someone who's brother is slowly killing himself due to alcohol addiction, im well aware all addiction is bad.

Its not "gaming" it's gambling.

I say it's the worst kind because alot of people don't take gambling addiction seriously. Like you with your flippant "come on". It destroys lives just as much as other addictions. Difference is, my brother is only killing himself. The OP'S husband will drag her and his children down with him. People have lost literally everything to gambling. Houses lost, loan sharks at the door, jail time for theft
.. and im not exaggerating. I've seen it with my own eyes.

But its not a competition. As you say, all addictions are bad.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP.
I think it is so important that they give you space to think. You are being hounded just when your whole world has been shaken. You need time to think. Insist they give it to you.

You will come to your own conclusions, but for what it's worth, he wasn't really sorry, was he? He was happy to keep on lying until he actually couldn't any more. Those are not the actions of someone who is sorry.

My ex was a liar and a gambler and I promise you he will lead you and your DC to financial ruin. My ex blamed his addiction but refused to do anything about it. He couldn't help it. So that's alright then whilst I was scrabbling about trying to feed us.

When I finally made him leave he couldn't have been happier. He was so cheery driving away whilst I cried with a baby on the driveway. I then found out he hadn't paid the bills and he was having an affair.

Absolutely
Some people learn from mistake s I would give myself some time to see how I feel and not listen to people telling you to dump him until you exp[lore your own feelings first
Personally I would not want to live with a guy who plays silly kids games all the time and would insist that stopped

Too many lies about important issues. My advice would be to tell him he cannot return, I do not think there is any point saying he can return if, for example, he gets a job, because you will never be able to trust anything he says again. He is a coward unfortunately, but his current position is of his own making.

I see counselling has been mentioned, there is no point, he lies.

He clearly has a gambling addiction - your first port of call has to be a deep dive into ALL your finances. Pay for a proper credit check, see what’s going on with your mortgage, look for hidden credit cards. I do like that you’ve put the onus on him to fix it - he needs to go to Gambling Anonymous or similar. But the first thing you have to do is get the full picture about your family’s finances. There will more be stuff hidden.

What a lot to process - you must demand the space in which to do this and the messaging has to stop. He’s trying to manipulate you whilst you’re vulnerable into moving back in and brushing this under the carpet. He’ll start to re-write history - that gaming was a way to de-stress, that he wanted to tell you but couldn’t because you’d be annoyed (and any other bullshit him and his mum can come up with)

Lies, theft, deceit, gambling. He may have a lot of debt as well on credit cards you don’t even know about.

He is not who you thought he is. Consider whether you want a future with the man he has shown he is - a lying, gaslighting, dishonest thief, sacked for stealing from work and who only stopped because he was caught.

I’ve been through very similar @Lostthewiseoliveand the deception and level of debt was just too great for me to move past. He could lie so convincingly to my face I felt I was going mad, and it wrecked my mental health. Divorcing felt massive, the upset for our children, uncertainty about the future etc., but honestly it’s the best thing I could have done. Gambling - which online gaming essentially is, when you (repeatedly) need to pay to level up or whatever - is an horrendous addiction.

If I’d not divorced, my ex’s addiction would have caused upset to the children, uncertainty about the future and continued to destroy my mental health.

I really hope you have real-life support and make the decision - after having time and space - to do the right thing for you and your DCs.

One last thing - a ‘good dad’ doesn’t risk the financial stability of the family; a good dad puts the children and family above gambling/gaming. The number of times I heard “but he’s suuuchhh a good dad…” as a reason not to divorce. He continued to be their dad after divorce, without taking me and them down with him. He’s still a gambling addict almost 20 years later, despite many attempts at stopping and a lot of support to do so.

This. I would also blow the whistle to MIL, family and friends so that they don't lend him more money. It would be unconscionable not to say something and he needs a mirror held up, gently. He's not well but hiding it won't help him.

He needs to get help but that's a long road out of addiction, into employment, into repaying his debts and into rebuilding trust.

You quite probably need to see a solicitor about a formal separation so you can't be held liable for any debts. The legal chat forum will give better advice as to whether that's a real risk or not.

Sorry @Lostthewiseolive . My parents got divorced when I was young because my dad couldn't stop gambling. He even took my savings. He's not a bad person but an addict. I have forgiven him long time ago but my mum did right in divorcing him. He's over 80 and lives in poverty but is still gambling.

firstly you need to limit his access to any joint accounts.

secondly you need to take time and think away from him. figure out how you life is with and without him.

in this time he needs to be getting help and provide your with proof of consistent attendance with his impulses control and gaming addiction. you may not think he is addicted but he escaped to stealing from work, that is a MASSIVE step to take and he admits he would've taken more.

He needs to get a job, any job to keep with his financial commitments to your household.

All of these should be non-negotiable before you enter into any conversations about the future of your relationship.

He lied for months and only told the truth because you found out, he stole from work and could've potentially ended up with a criminal record or in jail. And you would've been none the wiser until he was in court.

Dont be rushed, take your time. write down your thoughts and feelings on the issues, what do you need to feel secure in this, what amends can he make. Can you feel secure again?

How many red flags does he have? Sounds like an addict

OP how are you doing emotionally with all this? I can’t imagine how hard it’s been. He’s making it all about him and his needs and there’s no one to think about you. I hope you have support and can look after yourself.

I’d say create lots of distance from him so you’re not just orbiting his emotional needs of guilt, shame, depression, loneliness, panic, etc. You need to focus on yourself. Women do too much emotional labor for men who don’t do the same for them.

OP: I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I went through something similar with my exH who was a gambler and so I hope my lived experience can help you to make choices that are right for you and your DC in this situation.

My ExH and I were together for 8 years. I also didn't know about him developing a gambling addiction until it got well out of hand as he was hiding it very well.

I found out because I got a text message about a loan I apparently took out... I thought it was a scam text at first but something told me to call this company back and that's when the truth started unfolding (they told me it was a joint loan so I immediately knew he took it out).

I then checked my credit file (I strongly advise you do the same ASAP) and found out he had been taking out credit cards and loans in my name and hiding the letters about them whilst I was at work. He was opening all my post and putting it in the bin.

Long story short - within a few months he put me in £30k worth of debt and ruined my credit history for years. Because I wanted to be understanding and help him I stayed with him for another year (I was naive and believed that tlit was my job to save him because of our wedding vows). I even paid some of this debt off (what I wasn't able to cancel through the various companies' fraud departments).

Eventually things just got so bad and he continued lying and manipulating that I left. He continued taking out finance in my name even after I moved out. It just never really stopped. I had to get a fraud marker on my credit file, get debt management plans in place and all sorts. He didn't care, gambling took over his brain at this point. He wasn't paying rent on a joint property, it was such a nightmare and a mess. I was facing a CCJ (luckily escaped that by guess what... Paying half of his debt). It's a very long and chaotic story.

It took me YEARS to recover financially and emotionally if I'm honest and I'm not exaggerating. I was suicidal, couldn't get out of bed, off sick at work for 6 months. I wasn't able to get a mortgage for a very long time. This impacted my entire life.

I'm sorry to say this but this may happen to you if you don't immediately cut yourself off from him financially. Sure, he can work on his addiction, but let him do it separately from you and come back to you when he's sorted himself out. If you still want a relationship then, that's ok , you can discuss it but he needs to show you that he's taken serious steps to address this and have evidence that he is. He needs to be totally transparent and also leave you and DC finances alone.

I know it seems harsh to cut him off but you need to or he will take the last shirt off your back eventually. You have your DC to think about. It's a very nasty addiction that ruins people. It's no joke.

Me and my ex didn't have children so sure, yes, it was easier to walk away and it still took me a year. However you can avoid the same mistakes. Don't take any crap from him, he's been manipulating you and lying for a long time, do not trust a word he says. He won't just stop without professional help, and that's if he's even willing to accept it.

He will be playing the 'poor me' charade now. This is so cruel and manipulative. You really do need to disengage for your own wellbeing and just try to focus on getting through each day.

You don't have to make any big decisions straight away. Things can continue as they are whilst you absorb what he has done to you.

Try to eat something nourishing each day, binge watch something to take your mind off this mess for a bit of short relief. Try to treat yourself very gently and don't put pressure on yourself. If Christmas looming is causing you stress, take it off the table. Let him see the kids on Christmas day of course but don't feel obliged to play happy families. Keep it soft, gentle and low key.

Take your time OP, there is a lot to get your head around when your world has just been turned upside down.

Are you sure you know everything re what happened at work? was it really the 1st time or just the 1st time he's been caught? Does he have any credit cards or loans?