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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a complete idiot??

66 replies

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 09:55

I met this guy on OLD 7 weeks ago. I have been single for a few years and have done a lot of OLD. I have met some really nice blokes but, no one with any connection.
When I went to meet this guy, I really didn't have much expectation. I was just looking for a nice evening. Anyway, I got there and was instantly attracted to him. The feeling seemed mutual. I really let my guard down and we have seen each other every day since. We really have a lot in common and I really do enjoy spending time with him.
There was a red flag early on. His last long term partner, who he split up with a few months previously, was 22 years younger than him. They, apparently, spilt up because she wanted to get married and have children and he didn't. Last year he helped her freeze her eggs, so you would have thought that they would have split then?

He is 60 and I am 7 years younger than him. However, on his OLD profile, he said that he was 50. To be fair, he could pass for 50 but, even so. When I met him, he had been doing OLD for 6 weeks and I was the first date that he had been on. He did say early on that him and his ex were still friends and that he would always be there for her. There have been a couple of occasions when they have met up because she had post come to the house or she needed some of her stuff from his garage. He really did make such a big deal about it. There is still loads of stuff of hers in his garage so, I presume that this will be a long running saga...
Anyway, he is on FB and yes, his ex is a friend. However, he won't send me a friend request. I happen to know that he is on FB regularly. He has changed his status to 'in a relationship' and made a point of saying that his exs BF had commented. He has also mentioned what is ex has been up to so, he is obviously still taking a keen interest in her.
Also, he has pretty much moved in and has met my friends and family. Which I know, is really stupid. We live 15 mins from each other but, I have not met a single person that he knows. This, with the FB thing, gives me the impression that he is embarrassed to introduce me to them. I accept that I am a 54 year old women who has had kids and his ex was 37 but, I am really hurt and feel stupid.
As an aside, he comes over every evening and I always make dinner. On the few occasions that we go out, I also seem to end up paying...
Strangely, having written this post, I now realise that I am being taken for a mug and am being treated disrespectfully.... anyone got any other thoughts...?

OP posts:
RachelFanshawe · 05/12/2025 09:57

Well you’ve said it yourself. You’re being taken for a mug 🤷‍♀️

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 09:57

Read your post back again as if you were your best friend and tell us what you think.

Bobiverse · 05/12/2025 10:01

You’ve let a man you’ve known for 7 weeks move into your house? And all you actually knew about him was that he lied about his age by 10 years… and you just accepted it, so you’ve shown him that you’ll accept any old shit just to have a man. And he is taking advantage of that. You’re cooking (and cleaning?) for him and paying for all your dates?
Sorry but…. How desperate are you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2025 10:03

If someone else was writing this what would your advice be?.

I would dump him now before you are further taken for a mug by him than you already are. Are you this desperate for male company that you would put up with any old shit?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Please get therapy and do not enter into any further relationship until you have far healthier boundaries and self worth.

He's lied about his age, you've not met anyone he knows and you apparently ignored or minimised the red flag re his previous partner. And he's met your friends and family after a mere 7 weeks. He's now treating himself to your daily cooked meals. Your boundaries in relationships are way off and he has certainly taken advantage of your poor boundaries.

Wishimaywishimight · 05/12/2025 10:05

In answer to your question (title of the post) 'YES' is the only answer here. Have you learned nothing in your 54 years of life??

breezyyy · 05/12/2025 10:14

I don’t believe this post.

rubberduck68 · 05/12/2025 10:16

Major red flags here: "we have seen each other every day since" That is way too fast. What is the hurry? "Also, he has pretty much moved in" Again, way too fast. What is this guy's hurry? This feels like a love bomber situation. That you have met no-one in his life is the third huge red flag. It is possible that he isn't who he tells you he is, or that his friends won't paint him in a good light. Either way, you need to get away from this man, and I speak from experience. Forget FB, and friends with exes... this guy is trouble. He started the relationship with a lie (his age) and I bet there are more to come.

It is hard to disengage when it moves this fast, I know this, it happened to me. You need to take a few days without seeing him, and ask your closest friends and family for support in keeping him away from you. If you doubt this is good advice, try this: Tell him it's moving too fast and you need some space. If he's a good guy he will take a step back, and politely check in that you are okay and then give you that space. If he's a bad guy, he will throw his toys out of the pram, he will resist and he will make it all about him. Give it a go... I bet it's the latter. Good luck.

ForLoveNotMoney · 05/12/2025 10:22

How is his financial Situation OP? Do you own your own home? He sounds like he is looking for a nurse with a purse.

I would immediately get him out of your life and house. If you must keep seeing him, then date him. Once a week max. He pays his way. If he is still interested after that then go from there but I feel he’s looking for someone to look after him.

do you ever go to his?

Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:22

Yes...I was stupid! We genuinely seemed to have a connection. He hasn't moved in as such but, he comes over every evening and weekend. His family live a few hours away and apart from some work and gym friends, he doesn't seem to have that many friends. I am usually have so many barriers up that relationships tend to fizzle out. This one did really seem different...apart from the red flags..😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:25

We never discuss our financial positions. We both run our own businesses. I have been to his house which, I am assuming that he owns.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 05/12/2025 10:25

For short term no-strings-attached fun, sure go for it.

What you're doing? Moving him in while being kept secret from his friends and family? Hard pass.

ArcticGrass · 05/12/2025 10:27

Ummmm....just no. He's probably lining up the next girlfriend while you are cooking him dinner.

Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:27

He has told his family about me - apparently - on Whatsapp. He has shown me the messages. They all live miles away and he only sees them every few months..

OP posts:
ldnmusic87 · 05/12/2025 10:38

Trust your instincts.

Bobiverse · 05/12/2025 10:38

Again, you’ve known him 7 weeks. Seeing each other every day? So, you don’t have a life outside of him anymore? And the first thing you learned about him was that he was a liar. And he now knows that you’re ok with him lying.

How do you actually see this going? And you’re paying for everything… why?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2025 10:39

Your boundaries are way off here and it’s making you vulnerable to approaches from the likes of this leech.

Were you in an abusive relationship before now?. I ask this as this would have further damaged perhaps already poor boundaries.

I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme online and if possible do this in person. Certainly do not enter into another relationship until you have a far healthier set of boundaries.

Viviennemary · 05/12/2025 10:42

He's a user. You'll be dropped soon. So make sure you get in first. In other words ditch him now.

NewCushions · 05/12/2025 10:46

Oh for pity's sake. At best, this man is a complete sponger who has happily decamped to someone else cooking, cleaning, shopping, with sex on tap and who happily accepts his lies. And that's the BEST case scenario.

Get rid asap.

Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:46

Yes, I was in a very long, abusive relationship. I have always gone into relationships where I wasn't really invested so that I could just walk away. I just thought that this was different. I have asked him for some space and he has thrown his toys out of the pram. That is obviously my answer...

OP posts:
bemuto19 · 05/12/2025 10:51

It's interesting that you saw red flags but carried on anyway, what do you think caused that, OP? Is there a belief that a feeling of connection outweighs obvious red flags, maybe? Maybe a sort of fantasy about soul mates or something? Might be worth just pondering what could help you act on red flags sooner, so you don't end up being taken advantage of again.

BauhausOfEliott · 05/12/2025 10:51

All this has happened in SEVEN WEEKS?!

This. Is. Insane.

Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:59

@rubberduck68 ...you were right! I asked for space. The toys have been thrown out of the pram and he has ended it...
Many thanks for the clarity!!

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 05/12/2025 11:06

Apart from the only knowing him 7 weeks and totally rushing things.
He seems really pathetic for his age. What 60 year old is so invested in facebook! That would be a massive red flag for me. Anyone who is that involved in social media/Internet over the age of 30 needs to get some hobbies.

Original poster
Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 11:15

Yes, I agree @Starlight7080. It is a bit odd. It is just to keep tabs on his ex, I think. He doesn't post anything...

OP posts:
prettydesertflower · 05/12/2025 11:45

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:59

@rubberduck68 ...you were right! I asked for space. The toys have been thrown out of the pram and he has ended it...
Many thanks for the clarity!!

Well done for standing up for yourself