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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being a complete idiot??

66 replies

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 09:55

I met this guy on OLD 7 weeks ago. I have been single for a few years and have done a lot of OLD. I have met some really nice blokes but, no one with any connection.
When I went to meet this guy, I really didn't have much expectation. I was just looking for a nice evening. Anyway, I got there and was instantly attracted to him. The feeling seemed mutual. I really let my guard down and we have seen each other every day since. We really have a lot in common and I really do enjoy spending time with him.
There was a red flag early on. His last long term partner, who he split up with a few months previously, was 22 years younger than him. They, apparently, spilt up because she wanted to get married and have children and he didn't. Last year he helped her freeze her eggs, so you would have thought that they would have split then?

He is 60 and I am 7 years younger than him. However, on his OLD profile, he said that he was 50. To be fair, he could pass for 50 but, even so. When I met him, he had been doing OLD for 6 weeks and I was the first date that he had been on. He did say early on that him and his ex were still friends and that he would always be there for her. There have been a couple of occasions when they have met up because she had post come to the house or she needed some of her stuff from his garage. He really did make such a big deal about it. There is still loads of stuff of hers in his garage so, I presume that this will be a long running saga...
Anyway, he is on FB and yes, his ex is a friend. However, he won't send me a friend request. I happen to know that he is on FB regularly. He has changed his status to 'in a relationship' and made a point of saying that his exs BF had commented. He has also mentioned what is ex has been up to so, he is obviously still taking a keen interest in her.
Also, he has pretty much moved in and has met my friends and family. Which I know, is really stupid. We live 15 mins from each other but, I have not met a single person that he knows. This, with the FB thing, gives me the impression that he is embarrassed to introduce me to them. I accept that I am a 54 year old women who has had kids and his ex was 37 but, I am really hurt and feel stupid.
As an aside, he comes over every evening and I always make dinner. On the few occasions that we go out, I also seem to end up paying...
Strangely, having written this post, I now realise that I am being taken for a mug and am being treated disrespectfully.... anyone got any other thoughts...?

OP posts:

Allmychickenscometoroost · 05/12/2025 18:39

Ivy888 · 05/12/2025 17:15

He lied about his age.
He’s way too invested in his ex.
He never pays for meals out.
He’s always at your house. Every day (and night presumably). After only 7 weeks.

You are giving him unlimited free food and sex and are questioning any of the lies he’s told you. You are also not asking him any of the questions one should be asking if you move in together (finances, responsibilities, mortgages, bills etc). You havn’t set any boundaries about how much he talks about his ex.
sorry op, you are a cocklodger and yes, you are being taken for a ride.
He needs to move out now. The relationship is not necessarily over, but you need to have some serious conversations.

Basically this. why on earth did you accept the lie about his age? Surely that's the first red flag you ignored. Glad you've ended things now.

FastTurtle · 05/12/2025 18:43

I can’t see any green flags.
The lying about his age would be enough for me.
He’s a lying love bomber.

Coffeislife · 05/12/2025 18:54

If its intense like that it will be trouble one way or another eventually. His type are able to make this 'connection' with most people very cunning put it down to a lesson and forget about it =)

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 05/12/2025 18:55

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:25

We never discuss our financial positions. We both run our own businesses. I have been to his house which, I am assuming that he owns.

But you’ve cooked all meals and paid when you’ve gone out. What man would allow that?! He’s clearly got no money. You need to be more careful in future join the burned haystack group on Facebook.

ChristmasFluff · 05/12/2025 19:03

You know, I could have told you he was no good the minute you spoke about 'letting your guard down'.

Walls, barriers and guards give the world the message that you do not want anyone to come close, and healthy people respect that. The only people who try to overcome walls, barriers and guards are those who are up to no good. Emotional burglars, vandals, and worse.

What you really need are boundaries and dealbreakers - the things you want in your life and the things you won't accept that would end a relationship at whatever stage. Work out what yours are, and stick to them. Then give yourself time to get to know another person gradually, and in many situations.

Natalie Lue's 'Baggage Reclaim' website is brilliant for things like this.

Original poster

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 19:27

Thanks very much @ChristmasFluff. I will definitely look into it….

OP posts:

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 05/12/2025 19:32

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 10:22

Yes...I was stupid! We genuinely seemed to have a connection. He hasn't moved in as such but, he comes over every evening and weekend. His family live a few hours away and apart from some work and gym friends, he doesn't seem to have that many friends. I am usually have so many barriers up that relationships tend to fizzle out. This one did really seem different...apart from the red flags..😳

So he comes over, no housework, free food and dinner and sex and he’s not paying excellent. You haven’t met a single friend - errr he doesn’t just have red flags but has put red bunting all over your house.

Original poster

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 19:40

Yes, you are right @Leopardsandcheetahsarefast . At least I found out - and called him out - on the fact that he had been on Match despite his protestations that he had cancelled his account. When I went in, it first said logged in 48hrs ago and then updated to say logged in within the last 24hrs. He also blocked me on there (my subscription ended when I met him) and despite his denials, I sent evidence. It has been a difficult day but, at least I have ended a toxic relationship before it went on any longer. I am glad that I found out..

OP posts:

Toseland · 05/12/2025 20:20

Women have to wake up. There are men out there purposefully looking for vulnerable women to entrap.

WearyCat · 05/12/2025 20:41

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 19:27

Thanks very much @ChristmasFluff. I will definitely look into it….

I agree with all that Christmas Fluff says including the Baggage Reclaim website. It’s brilliant!

Also as an aside, I had to spend 5 years single before I was able to spot this crap and not be taken in by it. The man I met at that point was SO respectful of my boundaries, so patient and gentle, that I thought he didn’t fancy me. Even after we slept together he never, ever pushed for more and was just respectful all the time.

i married him. We are very happy. But it couldn’t have happened like that if I hadn’t been comfortable on my own (and I was, so much that I do quite miss it at times and relish the weekends he is away doing a hobby or visiting his parents).

before him, after my abusive ex, I THOUGHT I was better and I met someone and I saw the red flags- and I ignored them 🤦‍♀️ and THAT guy ended up getting physical with me (there were a few more steps in between, of course). So anyway, give yourself more time and then more time again, learn to love your independence and your own company.

well done for this- you saw the flags and you did act on them. It’s all progress 💪

Original poster

Mollymolloy · 05/12/2025 21:15

Thanks very much @WearyCat and everyone else. I have had so much great advice, which I am really grateful for. You have certainly given me hope and now I know that I still have work to do…

OP posts:

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 05/12/2025 21:22

I would have dumped him straight away for lying about his age.

DallazMajor · 06/12/2025 00:08

Glad you’ve dumped him.

Some of these men OLD are absolutely crackers. I’m like you OP. I was in an abusive relationship and although I have boundaries it takes me a little bit to enforce them.

Writing it down definitely helps with the clarity.

TwistedWonder · 06/12/2025 00:10

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 05/12/2025 21:22

I would have dumped him straight away for lying about his age.

Ditto - lying about age and/or height and I’m out

Theslummymummy · 06/12/2025 12:24

How did you end up paying every time you went out?

Usernamenotav · 06/12/2025 12:58

You're both walking red flags tbh.
Introducing family and moving in after 7 weeks??

If I ever went on a date with someone and knew that they'd previously moved this fast with someone else, id certainly never see them again.

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