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Original poster

On the verge of cheating

75 replies

lostcamel · 04/12/2025 23:08

Not going into details, but, after being married for 20y and still being in a solid, albeit not very affectionate relationship, I have met a man through work a few months back and felt such a connection that I am frightened to meet him face to face again! I can’t explain the feeling other than that he is my spiritual twin. It is not sexual attraction only, it’s something deeper. I absolutely know he is THE ONE for me.
Some meet up has been arranged for the next Saturday with work colleagues and I am frightened to go there- because of what might happen. He is single.
I am almost 50, he is 52. Not spring chickens. I will probably not go come next w/end, but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 04/12/2025 23:19

I think you would regret it, it would turn your life upside down, not worth it. Unless you really want to end your marriage, which you should do before seeing any one else.
What makes you think he feels the same? to be real with you at best he’ll take you up on a easy offer, your feelings of him being the one is fantasy.

Mullaghanish · 04/12/2025 23:22

Even he’ll get boring after a while? Leave his socks on the floor, dishes on the side.. pick his nose.. where’s your current partner? Grand to look at the scenery but unless you are unhappy, stay in lane..

Sillysoggyspaniel · 04/12/2025 23:29

Just don't.

If you've had enough of your relationship end it, be single for a while, sort your shit out.

LifeSurvior · 04/12/2025 23:36

You are not on the verge of cheating, you have probably had a wine, a bit bored and fed up of boring familiar annoying Oh and posted on Mumsnet at 11.30pm about a crush you have at work.
Tale as old as time ( I've been there🙄)
My advice is give yourself a shake, research limerance and start a new hobby, keep fit, gym, painting, travel etc to broaden your horizons and stop navel gazing. Another new man rarely solves a problem with the old man. A sage wise woman taught me this.

Sashya · 04/12/2025 23:44

@lostcamel
This is an extreme version of mid-life crisis. And an emotional storm of peri/menopausal hormones.
"I absolutely know he is THE ONE for me." - you sound teenage.... You do realise that this is bonkers. You do not know anything about him.

I am sure you were attracted and felt something. Mostly - it was about you though. So many women in your age group, in a long marriage suddenly think - it this really it? Would I never ever again feel that intense feelings I remember from the long time ago? Am I really descending into the old age now...
So some women explode their marriages to go looking for that intense feeling. Mostly unsuccessfully.
In your case - you meet someone and feel an attraction. And the flood of the mid-life crisis hits you in one go.

Go to the meet-up, get it out of your system. You have no idea how you'll feel when you see him again. I am assuming you have not had any contact with him - so have no idea if he felt the same as you did at the time. He may or may not be single anymore, given that you met him few months ago.

Hiding from this is only going to feed this delusion - go and face it.

CamillaMcCauley · 04/12/2025 23:46

It’s limerence, not soulmates or whatever pseudo-spiritual guff you are dressing it up as.

Give your head a wobble, skip the meet-up and focus on injecting a bit of life into your marriage again.

Your crush stinks out the bathroom too, you know.

Crispynoodle · 04/12/2025 23:46

The grass is not always greener

SkaneTos · 04/12/2025 23:49

Since you have something very deep with this new man, and he is the one for you, I suggest that you tell your spouse immediately that you want a divorce. And then you meet up with the new man, and live happily ever after with him. It will be wonderful.

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2025 23:51

So go but please don’t have an affair. If you feel strongly for another person extricate yourself from your current relationship first.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/12/2025 23:51

How do you know he is THE ONE for you? How many times have you met in person?

JudgeBread · 04/12/2025 23:53

You'd think with the amount of posts, articles, blogs, YouTube videos and such on midlife limerence there are in the world more people would recognise it for what it is and not make embarrassing "HE'S THE ONE" posts about their work crush at 11 on a Thursday night.

Raystinks · 04/12/2025 23:56

Having an affair is not worth the damage you would cause. Not only to your OH and you're relationship, but to yourself and your possible future relationship.

End your current relationship fairly and respectfully if you aren't happy and then work on being happy and look at the possibility of slowly forming a new relationship.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/12/2025 23:57

JudgeBread · 04/12/2025 23:53

You'd think with the amount of posts, articles, blogs, YouTube videos and such on midlife limerence there are in the world more people would recognise it for what it is and not make embarrassing "HE'S THE ONE" posts about their work crush at 11 on a Thursday night.

Ah but then you also wouldn't have women giving their life savings away to THE ONE and then crying that they've been scammed.

Namechangetime99 · 05/12/2025 00:01

Ffs OP, this is not Mills and Boon.

No he isn't the one. Spiritual my tits.

Look, you are possibly full of hormonal surges ( I am pro feminine and hate this word being used to undermine women - but this sounds like hormones are driving the car right now). You sound like you are screaming for excitement and fun and fulfilment. You feel like you have not lived to your full potential. You are getting older and believe this is the last chance of ever having the heart stopping romance you've always dreamed of.

This will end in tears.

It is not clear how much engagement you've had with this man and if he is actively feeding into your idea he's the one and a spiritual zen master.

But if he has fed this somehow, there's a huge possibility he is a walking red flag who has figured out the template you have for an ideal man. He has possibly therefore created that illusionary mask to reflect back to you what he has figured out is your ideal hero. In your current position of vulnerable female ( bored, age, possibly feeling you're losing your female allure), this guy is potentially going to play any card and become what he sees you want. The fact you are saying all this crap about him makes me instantly feel uneasy and I have gone straight to thinking he's one of these red flags you must be very cautious of.

He could be doing this for an ego boost, to use you for a few shags then spit you out. He could have darker intent. Has he even spoken to you much?

If it's so wrong with the husband, don't stay. It's not fair on you, not fair on him. I'd keep away from this new guy until your brain takes control again. I know we can be so vulnerable when hormones are driving and you could end up feeling a real idiot if you act inappropriately, with a trail of destruction left behind you.

Happyjoe · 05/12/2025 00:21

Cheating is the pits.
Not happy in a relationship? Then leave. THEN meet someone else. Spiritual and regret for the rest of your life? My arse, there's no justification and someone you've been with for 20 years deserves some respect if nothing else.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 05/12/2025 00:46

lostcamel · 04/12/2025 23:08

Not going into details, but, after being married for 20y and still being in a solid, albeit not very affectionate relationship, I have met a man through work a few months back and felt such a connection that I am frightened to meet him face to face again! I can’t explain the feeling other than that he is my spiritual twin. It is not sexual attraction only, it’s something deeper. I absolutely know he is THE ONE for me.
Some meet up has been arranged for the next Saturday with work colleagues and I am frightened to go there- because of what might happen. He is single.
I am almost 50, he is 52. Not spring chickens. I will probably not go come next w/end, but I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t.

Stop being such a bellend.

Either you want to end your marriage or you don't.

If you do, then end it, then spend some time with this bloke.

If you don't, then make some excuses for Saturday and don't go.

You're a grown adult, behave like one. You're not in thrall to your hormones and emotions.

Kidsgotothatschool · 05/12/2025 06:34

‘I can’t explain the feeling other than that he is my spiritual twin. It is not sexual attraction only, it’s something deeper. I absolutely know he is THE ONE for me.’

This is actually a trick of your brain to justify the attraction you’re having. It’s called cognitive dissonance. Your brain is holding onto this true love bs so that you can maintain the illusion that you are a good person if you follow through with the cheating.

Spoiler alert you would not be a good person and he is not your soul mate. Affairs are seedy, dark, soul destroying things that rarely work out (less than 5% success rate for longevity according to a lot of research). I have seen the fallout, trauma, suicidal ideation, breakdowns and that’s the betrayed AND the cheating partner.

Cheating is abusive and you lose part of yourself.

Quitelikeit · 05/12/2025 06:39

😂😂 how naive

yes he is the love of your life, and as a pp suggested - gently tell your husband you have met his replacement

and off you go living happily ever after with your soul mate (who cares if you know nothing about him right?)

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 05/12/2025 07:06

Good lord, you don’t “know” any such thing. You don’t know the man, you see a shiny best foot forward version of him.
What I know is that if you do this, you’ve broken your marriage vows and become a deceitful, duplicitous person, happy to cause long term damage to someone you promised to love. Do you “know” that that is who you want to be?
Do you also “know” how you would feel if your DH was doing this?
Ask yourself this, why do you feel entitled to hurt other people?

PurplePantsofPower · 05/12/2025 07:14

I've been with my husband almost 20 years, married for 15. Workplace fancies come and go and are best dealt with by a cold dose of reality checking! In this situation you idealise the other person - you're not considering their habits, flaws, commitment, capacity to care and prioritise you etc. If you are checked out of your marriage deal with that first before you look elsewhere. Also you are a bit long in the tooth to be dramatically labelling somebody as THE ONE in all caps, that's a red flag that you're not thinking logically here!

Humanswarm · 05/12/2025 07:23

Do yourself a favour. Re read what you have written but just imagine for a second that it's your husband who has written it. He's met his soul mate. Someone from work who he 'just knows' is the one for him. He's contemplating meeting at the weekend.who knows what might happen, they may get drunk enough to have mind blowing sex, and fuck you and fuck your marriage.
Yeah..doesn't sound so good now does it OP? Give your head a shake and grow up!

VoodooQualities · 05/12/2025 07:52

I definitely think the best thing here would be for you to recognise you're being silly and stop being silly.

Also, after 20 years and assuming he's not been a terrible husband, if you don't love him any more you owe it to him to tell him this and end the relationship, before you go off with another man. If he's been a terrible husband then I could be flexible on this point but then end it anyway because why are you still with a terrible man?

YRGAM · 05/12/2025 08:04

It's called a crush and it'll pass. Don't be silly

Showerflowers · 05/12/2025 08:12

You’re just bored op

DoNotDisturb67 · 05/12/2025 08:22

In the meantime, what are you doing to inject some affection into your current marriage?? Did you speak with your husband about this, tried going on a date, do something together? You should put your emergency into that first… 😵‍💫