How often do you have sex when you have a baby?

[Naetha]

Apologies for the personal nature of this thread! Mind if I just do a quick straw poll?

How often would you expect to have sex, and how often would you actually have sex if you had a baby under say 1 year old who isn't sleeping through the night yet? What's good going? What's a lot to ask for?

Hmm lets ee. Severl abd droughts, nearly marriage breakings after 6 months of no sex. Try for 2-3 times a month now.
Why?
DS (now 3) was a terrible sleeper until he was 2 1/2,
I had awful PND,
DS had undiagnosed Lactose Intolerance and was in and out of GP/A&E etc etc until he was 2
DS still 'fragile' and scrawny and therfore gets ill frequently
I ended up being diagnosed with a neurological condition
DH got depressed and put on antiD's which killed his libido

TBH sex is really at the bottom of my list. I'd far rather do anything else. Besides sex is not relal ycompatible with being a parent in my head. Being a mum is about being responsible and grown up and homecooked meals and walks in the fresh air. It's not about tacky sweaty grappling. There's nothign more embarassing then beign mid grapple and hearing your toddler cry out 'mummy'. Its like this horrid dose of cold water, i'm suppoused to be going and seeing whats wrong with my child, but I'm all sweaty and other yucky stuff and naked, how on earth can I go into a childs bedroom smelling of sex?

"tacky sweaty grappling"?

Don't like the sound of that either. Love the idea of 'sexy time'. I do find that I feel most in the mood when really relaxed and under no pressure to have sex. DH is very good at making that happen.

another one letting down the side - about once every six months. just didn't feel like it after my daughter was born and was sooo hard to get back in the swing after she turned one. several of my friends are in the same boat, really don't want to think it's going to be like this forever but it feels like a closed book at the moment.

Ever since I was pregnant my hub's interest has really waned (pride and joy now 17 months). I am horny as ever and need more reassurance now my figure is Not What It Was. We have talked and talked and he insists he is just a lot more tired and stressed, pressures of breadwinning and working late etc.. I am not sure. No doubts about his faithfulness but it is making me sad, I miss the closeness and the fun and the more rarely it happens, the harder it gets to make a move

Given the chance/choice, I'd have it every night/day!!! I find that I'm less fit without regular sex...
In reality, once in two years since mid pregnancy

Just read the thread, interesting actually that other people have similar probs to me like Angubaba, my dp has completely lost interest in sex. Hurts like mad as I need the reassurance that he wants me in that way. He says its ever since we had dd who is now 5 months.

I feel the same as you Angubaba, I miss the closeness too and it is really hard to accept that things are different now.

How many of you think that a relationship can survive without sex???? I don't think so and I think it's a really important part. I guess having a baby kills the sex life!!

Glad I am not alone.. Maybe I should get a bit of the side? (joke btw I could never cheat..)

Yes, it's his choice not to have sex, not mine. It's also the closeness I miss. Makes me feel very insecure about myself and about us as a couple. Our sex life was never really rampant, again though, not my doing. Once I get into it, I'm a bit of a rabbit as I really love doing it since turning 30 really, but just don't get it. I have to supress the insecurity, especially as it can be several weeks beetween times that he is back from work. If I'm due on, I'm a nightmare as I start to think he's out shagging someone else...I have to be really, really careful when on the phone to him in case I say something that I just wouldn't normally say...

Has anybody got a good male friend that offers them friendship with benefits? and do you/would you ever consider taking them up on it? I have a friend(exb actually)who has offered, and he was very good too, so I know I'd be satisfied, I just don't want to go that road personally, not whilst I'm in love with my man and I truly am, because I know I'd have gone elsewhere if I wasn't. ^^

hmmm 3x here and ds is 12 weeks now. dd is 19months. was same last time, took ages to get back to it. also have 2 lactose intolerant, screaming reflux babies who don't sleep well. nothing more of a turn off than sleep deprivation.
good point wurlywoo, i think it's really important in a relationship to keep it going. feel really bad not interested and can see dh getting upset and trying to hide it. do not feel at all sexy with my crinkly wrinkly tummy and extra pounds.
this thread has concentrated my mind, will make more effort now

Not very often as I recall, but more frequently than now when we have a teenager who is still awake when we go to bed and another DC who wakes up earlier than us....

Thanks for the replies - all makes for very itneresting reading.

I'm sorry for those of you that have the opposite problem to what I'm having, although I have to admit it did give me some insight into what my DH is feeling.

(Sorry I can't remember your name!) about the interstital cystitis - I used to post regularly on the COB forums (same nick), but I posted less and less as time went on, partly because my doctors weren't getting anywhere with working out how to fix it. Last time I saw my urologist she suggested having a baby as a potential treatment well it worked temporarily! I guess it's something I should pursue again, I'm just fed up to the back teeth with the NHS. It took me 4 years to get a diagnosis in the first place.

I have to admit the original post (and the follow up) were made in the "heat of the moment" as it were after a week from hell with DS and constant hassle from DH about how I never put out! We definitely have to sort stuff out between us - sex just isn't on my radar at the moment, in the same way that housework isn't on DH's radar! I get the feeling that one will follow the other, it's just a case of working out which is the chicken and which is the egg .

Naetha, I have just read this last post by you, not read the whole of the thread, so sorry for hijack to the rest.

I had IC for 3 years, and what a merry hell it was, I had a bladder stretch to get rid of it (it didn't) some weird tablets that were only available on a named patient basis only that did nothing. I tried homeopathy, acupuncture..the works, verything failed.

I had a friend who knew a reflexologist. After all I had been through she shifted it in 5 sessions, and it has never come back. That was about 5 years ago. I have since had a dd, catheter and it hasn't come back

hth

so i started reading this thread cos me and hubbie only had sex twice since baby born 3 months ago. I thought this was ok, but now feel pretty bad cos some of you seem really rampant! i am breastfeeding mind, but i completely not interested. i am worried i don't fancy my husband any more, keep looking at him, thinking 'do i fancy you or not' - mind you baby is clamped to boob half the time

Fizzbuzz thank you for that post! I would pretty much do anything to get rid of it, but reflexology is something I haven't tried. Did you find a reflexologist that specialised in bladder conditions, or just a general one?

Football - BFing hormones (not to mention the fact that your boobs are chomped on all day anyway!) naturally decrease your libido, so it's perfectly natural not to want to have sex while breastfeeding (it's the body's way of stopping you getting pregnant with another baby before you can fully cope with the one that you already have).

In the first 3 months me and DH only had sex about three times, but since then has been roughly once a fortnight / ten days. (DS is 5 and a half months now).

This thread inspired me to have sex with DH for THIRD time since DS last night. Put makeup on, crammed myself into sexy lingerie(at least I have boobs now to take attn away from tummy!) and everything. He was happy, I was tired. Still, glad am trying!

No, it was a friend of a friend, and I had hear she had cured someone with recurrent bacterial cystitis, so I though I'd give it a whirl. Where do you live?

Ic is a hell of a condition, you really have my sympathy. Hvae you been prescribed those drugs I was talking about? When I ws using them they hadn't been approved in UK, although that may have changed now.

I.m sure if men suffered from it like women there would be a cure now....

fizzbuzz anad naetha- it was me- I have it too-it is a passion killer- frightened to do much in case I suffer. I have had reflexology once but it did nothing- I too have a friend who is just qualifying so may try again.

It's taken over a year for us to get back in the saddle after DS2. And we didn't do it while I was pregnant. BFing just put me right off, plus lack of sleep. (Tho we did have some Sexy Times in that period and always regretted not doing that more)

However, now we're back to normal pre-baby levels. And it's better, because we haven't done it much, so you never let an opportunity get wasted with a mediocre session. So, even if sex does completely dry up, while you're not sleeping and have painful swollen tits etc, if you love each other right, you will reconnect.

Just keep the lines of communication open!

Girlnextdorr, this is what I used to do to have a bonk before the reflexologist.

I found that homeopathy worked, but didn't stay working IYSWIM. So i used to take it for the 2 or 3 days releif it would bring, and have a mad sex fest then. It usually took about 7-10 days to start having an effect, so I used to time it....sad but it helped a bit

mines probably different for a number of reasons, but, if you're interested...
it took me a YEAR to have penetrative sex again. it wouldn't go in (it was like i was a virgin again i was so tight...except it wasn't so difficult when i was 16!!)but we did other sexual stuff. but, in all the time i was breastfeeding, i just wasn't interested. my kid gave up feeding at a year, and almost within a week i was thinking how much i wanted to get drunk and be irresponsible and be, well, sexy, again!
me and dp took some cocaine in the end, and that was the night we finally managed to get it in. it was good. im not saying thats the way for everyone, but i guess for me it was like being how i was before i got pregnant, and something to totally take the edge off my fear.
we also have an open relationship. we always have, and i have, as a political choice, from way before i got together with dp. (when i first was seeing him i was also seeing another boy for 3 yrs. they crossed over a lot and that was always fine). me and dp started having sex more regularly once we managed to overcome the penetration problem, but once we started re-engaging with other people, even if only flirting, i found myself more interested in him again. as i said, im not promoting this, just this is how it worked for me. and i think again, its cos it was back to how it was before, a bit of competition and feeling i couldn't take him for granted and vice versa.
now its up and down. its not as brilliant as it was before, my libido just doesn't stay at this crazy up for it all the time peak that it used to (he wants it at least once a day)but it goes through fazes where we have sex every day, and others where we go nearly a week without. he's seeing someone else fairly regularly so that takes the pressure off me.
i think birth and the whole having a child in your life is more mammoth than you can possibly imagine before you do it. someone described it as like having a handgrenade thrown in your relationship and i think thats pretty apt! don't fret and panic too much in the first year, it takes a long long time to get back in the saddle, and its not a sign of wrongness at this stage.
and good luck.
x

So nice to find some fellow IC people here - I'm sure I did a search a couple of months ago for it, and only found the odd random reference. Nice to have the support

I've been through atarax, long term ABs, ranitidine and all the dietary crap you can imagine! It was only breastfeeding that brought me any relief. I honestly thought it was gone for good, and I was so happy - me and DH had some of the best sex we've had in years. The IC isn't as bad as it was pre-pregnancy, and I'm hoping it doesn't get any worse, as it's manageable like this, as long as I make sure I drink regularly throughout the day I can just about cope (having said that, I've been really good today with my fluid intake and it still burns like mad )

We were never able to have sex for very long before (due to bladder pain), and as it hasn't been as bad recently, DH has decided that now is the time to try tantra, and to combine sex with legal highs (yohimbe etc). I think his expectations need lowering a little - he's lucky to get me in the mood for any sex at all, let alone fancy sex!

twice a year if you're lucky
once on your anniversary or some such 'event' otherwise. unless you are ttc and in that case you might even make it three or four times a year

That's interesting that it stopped when you were bf. That suggests it must have a hormonal element to it.

Have you seen a urologist at all???

I did loads of research on it when I had it. There is some theory that it can be caused by damage to the 5th disc on the spinal column. I hurt my back involving the 5th disc, and was off work for ages, about 6 months after I got IC.............

I haven't seen a urologist since having DS, and as my BUPA "year" has just started again (courtesy of work!) I have some money set aside for consultant appointments (last year's were all used up by having my gall bladder sorted while pregnant!).

Do you think if it is hormonal there's anyway they can replicate the BF hormones to stop the IC, without any of the side effects? (i.e. milky boobs!)

As for the spinal theory - I've never hurt my back like that, so can't back that one up!

Ooh, another drug I tried btw, was when I was in Canada on my honeymoon, and I had a terrible case of BC and was prescribed something called Pyridium. It's not prescribed in the UK, but I managed to get some off the internet, and it's wonderful stuff! You can't take it long term, but it stops the symptoms for about 6 hours or so. Only problem is that it turns all your bodily fluids orange!

This is the drug I was given