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Original poster

How often do you have sex when you have a baby?

88 replies

Naetha · 09/06/2008 19:19

Apologies for the personal nature of this thread! Mind if I just do a quick straw poll?

How often would you expect to have sex, and how often would you actually have sex if you had a baby under say 1 year old who isn't sleeping through the night yet? What's good going? What's a lot to ask for?

OP posts:

missbumpy · 11/06/2008 09:30

never

SydneyB · 11/06/2008 11:50

Hardly ever straight after DD was born and until I stopped b/f! For some reason my libido just died when I was still b/f. Also had an episiotomy which made me very nervous for a while. But also DH and I were really not getting on when DD was born - knackered, arguing, the usual. Now, DD is 18 mths, I am 6mths pg, it's about once a week but I have to kind of remember to do it as when I'm pg I don't really feel like it. BUT, what I would say is that it is really important for the bloke. Not necessarily for the physical side but also the emotional side. I'm not for a second saying you should do it if you're in pain, don't feel like it, are just too tired but it's worth remembering to do it if you feel up for it. Men can often feel very confused and pushed out when a new baby comes along and for most sex is a sign to them that you still value them/fancy them etc. And also it's so easy to drift apart in the daily domestic drudge of bringing up tiny babies and trying to maintain the physical side of things can really help in this. I worried about the state of my body post birth etc but I really don't think men notice as much as we do! DH swears there is no difference in the physical sensation since I gave birth to DD. Hope he's right!

Flum · 11/06/2008 12:41

About twice a week from about 4-5 weeks after babe born. I must admit both times I did sort of 'make' myself do it in order to erm 'get back in the saddle' as it were. Scary first time but easier after that.

Now am PG with third is harder as have varicose veins in personal place and am scared DH will be put off me forever if he sees them for this reason if none other, I think this will be our last baby.

Fumbles in the dark till after this LO is born I think!

newgirl · 11/06/2008 13:25

naetha - if you have a bladder thing going on and you are posting here then that says to me you aren't in the mood at the mo. It will come back - I guess you need to say somehow to dh that you feel shattered and not well but you still love him and you are looking forward to feeling up for it again

madamez · 11/06/2008 13:29

What other people do is not as relevant as how you and your DP feel about the situation. You need to have a good talk with him (and he needs to get over any 'expectations', he's not entitled to sex) about how you both feel and what you would both like. If you are in physical discomfort then penetrative sex is off the menu until you are better and that is not negotiable, but perhaps you can compromise on other things.
Men can and do feel totally rejected if they are rejected sexually, but women can and do feel very resentful if they are under continuous pressure to have sex.

micegg · 11/06/2008 13:58

Mummy of 2 - Me too

Glad its not just me. I worked out we concieved DS last July!

micegg · 11/06/2008 13:59

woops - meant to say mummyfor3!

TattooedGrrrl · 11/06/2008 13:59

i never 'expect' to have sex, quite frankly. I would be chuffed with once a week, seeing as we have 2 kids under 2, but that's not happening right now.

listen to madamez though- she speaks sense.

littlewoman · 11/06/2008 14:11

Depended how often he could trap me in a corner with nowhere left to run (I never fell for the same corner twice )

brimfull · 11/06/2008 14:19

much more difficult when they are teenagers

RubyRioja · 11/06/2008 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beforesunrise · 11/06/2008 18:15

we didnt have ex for 6 months after dd1, it took a while to get back into the swing but we were having once/twice a week by the time dd2 came along. shes 4 weeks old and lasst thing on our minds! things will get better, honest. but you MUST exploit those afternoon naps!

RUMPEL · 11/06/2008 20:23

When we wanted to conceive again about 10 months later so we could 'practice' a bit before TTC.

girlnextdoor · 11/06/2008 20:35

naetha- sorry to hear about your bladder- i have that too, which effectively ended sex for us for years- and that was without babies. Without wanting to intrude on your anonymity, do you ever read/belong to a support group online for this?

lesleyella · 11/06/2008 20:37

very little since dd was born 5 months ago. A bit more now but I am exhausted and not really in the mood, which is not like me at all .

I am still bfing so i am hoping (based on a few of these posts) that maybe when I stop I will be more in the mood.

Thank you Naetha for starting this thread ... I have been fretting about this topic myself!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 11/06/2008 20:37

Ruby Rioja

turtle23 · 11/06/2008 21:04

Afraid I'm letting the side down for the March mums...DS is 11 weeks and we've done it twice since he was born. In my defence, I had a rotten episiotomy and am breastfeeding a bad sleeper. I would so much prefer a nap.Hoping things improve soon as DH does EXPECT it and is upset by it.

MissingMyHeels · 11/06/2008 21:26

I think if I had an episiotomy it would be a totally different kettle of fish! Maybe because Glam and I had c-sections and are formula feeding (gawd, we should be banned from MN ) good sleepers it can creep back on to the agenda.

I don't think anyone should be expected to have sex if they don't want to. I highly recommend trying to snog like a teenager again though, that is what got us back up to speed sharpish!!

MogTheForgetfulCat · 11/06/2008 22:11

Took AGES after DS1 because of shock of bad birth and parenthood in general, rather brutal stitching job (sorry, TMI) and his sleeplessness. Then he started to sleep through and nap well and we were back to how it was before he came along (every other day or so), but better - possibly because I think afternoon sex is the best! Luckily DH works from home a lot

Now have dinky DS2 (3 months) and I seem to have got over the birth a lot quicker this time, and he is just adorable, so we are v happy indeed. But getting them napping at the same time is not that easy, and DS2 generally having only short naps at the moment... Desperate to get them in tandem and DS2 napping longer before DS1 drops his daytime nap!

A good imbibing (is that a word? if not it should be...) of wine can help the first couple of times, I found. And don't forget your pelvic floor exercises - squeeeeeeeze!

ToughDaddy · 11/06/2008 22:15

We have 3 little ones and never cracked the sleep thing and can I can relate to the drought thing.....

I recommend playing tennis together...big effort to carve out the time but very sexy and good for bonding. Even a gentle jog/bisk walk together is good in so many ways..endorphins, sleep, bonding, chatting, stress busting....

The more practical types could go for a points system: DP gets credits for various tasks e.g. half a point for a week of night and moring duty, half a point for tidying the loft or doing the garden. Then DP can cash in when they get to ten points . Can add a bit of humour and piss taking. Obviously more suited to those who don't take themselves too seriously.

ToughDaddy · 11/06/2008 22:48

sorry to Troll into this discussion but very interesting

ilovewashingnappies · 11/06/2008 23:30

Got into routine of having sex after early morning feed..... quite sad she now sleeps through.

Can't believe I just said that....

NellyTheElephant · 12/06/2008 12:47

After DD1 was born I was in a state of shock (read horror!) and would have quite happily never had sex again. I think I was also suffering from baby blues quite badly as I was crying all the time. About 2 weeks after DD1 was born DH came home to find me sobbing and DD1 screaming as I couldn't settle her. He took over, settled DD1, gave me a LARGE glass of wine and took me to bed. I would NEVER have thought that sex would have helped at that point but it did - the endorphins made me feel happy for the first time since DD1 was born and it was so wonderful to feel loved and cared for.

After that, however tired I was I made sure we managed it at least once a week as both DH and I just seemed happier that way. Once DD1 was sleeping through this improved to about twice a week and once I stopped breast feeding we were back to pretty much normal (maybe 3-4 times). While I was bf and until my periods started again (about 3 months after I stopped bf) I never really felt like initiating sex, (bf definitely does something to the libido...) but I would make myself do so as I knew I'd enjoy it once we started and I felt it was important for DH and I to be close in that way. It also helped me sleep which has to be a good thing! With DD2 I was much more aware of how I'd feel about all this, so was better prepared. It followed a similar pattern of first time 10 days after birth and approx once a week, then increasing again when she slept through and when I stopped bf.

Since having children we often have a quicky first thing in the morning before getting the girls up as I often pass out the minute my head touches the pillow at night! When you just have one baby nap times are also good!

Chopin34 · 12/06/2008 15:55

My baby is almost 8 months and we had one unsuccessful attempt at sex although baby sleeping in our room was all a bit off-putting...! However, I've now been told that I was stitched up too much by registrar post-birth and am going to have to go back and have an episiotomy to reverse this. Has anyone else heard of this happening as am not sure if I should make a fuss or just write it off as just one of those things? Thanks

turtle23 · 12/06/2008 16:31

Chopin-Mine not quite so bad, but I was "overstitched" a bit on the vagina end of epi and tore a little when we first had sex. It's healed now but was like losing my virginity all over again and wasn't nice. Hope all goes well for you...it's not fair at all!!

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