DH funny about my friends

[Cloudwatching57]

Apologies if this is long. I’ll try to keep it brief but there’s a lot of detail.
I have always been attracted to women as well as men, and when dh and I first got together I made sure he knew I had been with women before (no relationships just a bit of experimentation really). One of these women is D, who I was in college with and has remained a very dear friend. D is single and more or less always has been.
A few yrs ago I said to dh that I think I’m probably pansexual. I haven’t ever given the labels much thought but hadn’t heard of pan. At times in the past I might have described myself as gay, bi or straight (esp since I married a man). Dh took this v badly and felt blindsided and lied to. I in turn felt shamed and surprised by this reaction so not apologetic as I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong. He Was very off for a good while but gradually processed it I guess.
Anyway since then he thinks my friendship with D is inappropriate and views her as an ex and is uncomfortable with me seeing her. He doesn’t want to stop me being friends with her but is noticeably uncomfortable when I see her or we chat (she lives away) and has said he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for me to go and stay with her overnight like I used to, for example.
This morning she rang me at 10am out of blue and I answered thinking something might be wrong as she had said she was down. She was fine, we had a v quick chat and arranged to catch up later. Dh was uncomfortable and didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be ringing me in the morning when I was still in bed (reading in bed).

Thoughts?

After many years of marriage to a man, saying to him that you’re pan is a blindside. There’s a difference between ‘I experimented before I met you’ and ‘I’ve been thinking and I’m pan’.

And is it appropriate to stay overnight with a single ex? Wouldn’t be in my marriage. Especially as now you’ve said that you do find women attractive.

I am going to sound like an old curmudgeon but I cannot understand the whole ‘I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man but need to talk about my sexuality’. It smacks of wanting to seem less boring and vanilla and so many boring married stars seem desperate to let everyone know they’re spicy straight.

But then I accept that having labels is incredibly important nowadays. For some reason.

Pan 😬.

Sounds like labels aren't helpful. He's being controlling though.

I don’t think he is controlling more confused and worried (and feeling that his DW is hedging her bets)!

I don't think you should stay overnight with someone you have had sex with, no. I don't think many people in relationships would be cool about that. You're entitled to be friends with her but you should also accept that she triggers your DH's insecurity because of your previous sexual relationship and give him some grace for that.

Tell him to get a grip, also if you trust each other you should be able to be friends with anyone you want guy or gal. Even if there is a past. Its about the trust for each other

Telling your H that you were pan made maintaining your friendship with essentially an Ex, has made it much more difficult. If your friend was a man, would you understand your H’s pov better?

really? perhaps I'm coming at it from a different age group but if someone told me they had
a) always been attracted to both sexes
b) experimented with the same sex, more than once
I would just assume they were bisexual to some degree, because it would be quite unusual to do that (or at least, anything more than a one-off drunken snog) if you were completely and utterly straight, and pan is essentially just a more inclusive (as in acknowledging trans/NB) way of being bi.

So to me it seems completely weird that OP's DH found OP formalising her sexuality as any sort of surprise. I would have been like 'well yeah, no shit sherlock.' I can't see how he could have possibly felt 'blindsided' by something OP has been transparent about since they met.

OP I can sort of understand your DH not wanting you to stay the night with 'D.' I think that's a fair boundary for anyone you've had some sort of sexual relationship with, regardless of their gender/how long ago it was/how formal the relationship. But I find it weird that it's taken for you to put a label on your sexuality for him to decide that. It would make more sense for him to have that boundary as soon as he knew you'd slept with her.

I think it's completely unfair of him to blame her for ringing you while you were still in bed though - how was she supposed to know that? It was 10am, she might have assumed you'd been up and dressed for hours.

I'm 56 and I had the same reaction as you, @latetothefisting

The only thing I would add is that sometimes people move into formalising descriptions of their sexuality once they've started thinking around it a bit more because they're dissatisfied. Not always - sometimes it's just one of those things you get to musing as you get older and read more of the internet - but if OP's H suspects that was the case here then I can understand his reaction. And then of course not wanting her to stay with an ex is simply the next completely-understandable step.

Can someone please explain the difference between bi and 'pan'.

Tbh I'm not sure honesty is always the best policy..I'm not sure you thought through how he might take that comment from you or what you wanted to come from communicating it.

You have now though and it sounds like the result is that this probably isn't the right relationship for either of you.

Which is rubbish because you're married.

If you want to find a way forward, I think youre going to need to consider some damage repair from your side rather than just expecting him to accept that your sexual orientation has changed and that he needs to just get on with it. You don't seem to realise you've literally rocket his world over what you seem to think is a casual conversation that you expected him to show minor interest in and then carry on like any other day.

It's a big deal for him.

You told him clearly many years ago that you were also attracted to women, if he doesn't realise that makes you bisexual then he's an idiot and has no right to blame you for that.

How long was he off with you for and what did that look like? Alarm bells ringing at this tbh.

Yes its controlling and weird the way he is with your friend. If you have been super clear that it's been over a long long time then it's totally fine to stay over imo and not ok to be off with her.

Im in a similar situation in that a woman I dated for a little while 8 years ago is now one of my best best friends and DH of 7 years would never be weird around her or try to not make me stay over. I was really clear with him that we have no more feelings for each other so that helps - maybe you could reiterate that but not from a position of defensiveness or justification but rather of clarity.

Sorry you're having to deal with his ignorant arse. Domestic abuse is highest towards bisexual women out of all sexualities partly cos of male insecurity and machismo etc so take care and keep us in the loop pls xxxx

he feels threatened. If you felt this what would you want from your partner?

Because there are eleventy billion genders now, instead of two sexes, ‘bi’ doesn’t cut it.

Also bi is so passé darling.

Right you are!🙄

You were bisexual before him and you’re still bisexual now, so nothings changed. I think he’s being silly, particularly as you're not attracted to D

I would so not be ok with my DH going to stay over night with a single woman he’s previously had sex with😂. That’s not being controlling, that’s requesting respect for my feelings from my spouse.

Thank you so much for all your replies, they have all been helpful as a way of thinking through this!
To provide some context, we have been married almost 2 decades so any previous sexual encounters were a vvvv long time ago and when I was in early 20s.
In response to the comments about labels and the eye rolling about “pan” - it’s not a particularly important label to me, just when I came across it it felt it suited me a little better than bi, I don’t know why. I don’t feel like “I am attracted to both men and women” is entirely accurate, more “I can be attracted to any person”. It’s a v nuanced thing I accept.

I agree that it was fair to say no overnights.
I am trying to get the balance of not letting him control my interactions and compromising because I do care about his feelings.

I agree that I dont see how it was a shock to him if he already knows you've slept with women.

No way would I want my husband spending the night over at an ex girfriends either and I know there is absolutely no way he would be happy with me sleeping at an ex boyfriend's house. Thats not controlling, its about having respect for your partner.

In answer to what him being “off” is - it’s fairly tame mostly. He’ll look frowny, might bash around the house cleaning but not exactly angrily, no smiles, won’t suggest doing things together and will say “no thanks” if I do, might take himself off out for a walk. After day or a few hours of this might say something in a slightly angry tone like “I’ve been feeling x because I don’t think it was right that D called you this morning”
On the whole pretty ok just a bit sad for me and makes me tense wondering what he’s thinking.

He does have some controlling tendencies (or some would say old fashioned standards) but I can usually reason with him and stand my ground. Eg wouldn’t want me to share a lift somewhere alone with a man.

Sorry if this is a drip feed but he has v black and white thinking and I suspect ND - one of our children too.

Would I like it if my partner still had a close relationship with someone they’d had sexual contact with, no I wouldn’t.

Genders, sexuality’s and labels are beside the point.

Thank you @LibbyOTV for your kind and helpful msg.

Pansexuality just makes me think of someone who'd shag anyone. In fact it makes me think as well of that TV programme about a man who kept trying to have sex with a car.

That’s nice @TFImBackIn , thanks for sharing 🥴

Im not mad keen on the word myself but honestly you're coming across as much more obsessed with labels than OP.

OP was clear she isn't even that attached to the label and is clearly fine with bisexual and came here as a woman looking for advice from other women?

I'm probably GC though not keen on labellling myself - do you label yourself as GC and others as TRAs? In which case, are you actually above labels or do you just get triggered by certain woke words and aren't self aware enough to reflect before immediately externalising that feeling into mockery?

If you're a radical feminist wouldn't volunteering at womankind or NMN - or even reasonably explaining why you don't like the term pansexual - be a more effective use of your time than mocking a woman who came here about her DH potentially being controlling ?

Of course xxxxxxx