DH funny about my friends

[Cloudwatching57]

Apologies if this is long. I’ll try to keep it brief but there’s a lot of detail.
I have always been attracted to women as well as men, and when dh and I first got together I made sure he knew I had been with women before (no relationships just a bit of experimentation really). One of these women is D, who I was in college with and has remained a very dear friend. D is single and more or less always has been.
A few yrs ago I said to dh that I think I’m probably pansexual. I haven’t ever given the labels much thought but hadn’t heard of pan. At times in the past I might have described myself as gay, bi or straight (esp since I married a man). Dh took this v badly and felt blindsided and lied to. I in turn felt shamed and surprised by this reaction so not apologetic as I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong. He Was very off for a good while but gradually processed it I guess.
Anyway since then he thinks my friendship with D is inappropriate and views her as an ex and is uncomfortable with me seeing her. He doesn’t want to stop me being friends with her but is noticeably uncomfortable when I see her or we chat (she lives away) and has said he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for me to go and stay with her overnight like I used to, for example.
This morning she rang me at 10am out of blue and I answered thinking something might be wrong as she had said she was down. She was fine, we had a v quick chat and arranged to catch up later. Dh was uncomfortable and didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be ringing me in the morning when I was still in bed (reading in bed).

Thoughts?

I agree with you really, there was no need and I wish I hadn’t mentioned it.
However, it came up and in that moment I chose to be honest and unguarded. Perhaps it was silly but I wasn’t trying to start a “thing” or make anything a big deal. I honestly thought it would be nothing new to him.

Like I said previously, take away all genders,
labels and sexualities from this scenario and if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was still in close contact with someone he’d had a sexual relationship with and still continued a very intimate emotional relationship with I’m sure you would sometimes feel insecure or question things.

I suspect he thought you had ‘experimented’ with women when you were young, but then you met him & realised that you preferred men (ie him). You saying you still fancy women & you’re off to stay with your female ex has obviously thrown him. You were supposed to say that you are only attracted to him, not double his potential competition!

Seriously though, I agree with previous posters that staying friends with an ex of either sex is ok, but spending the night with them isn’t.

If my DH said after many years that he was infact pan sexual and the friend he goes to stay with reguarly was a guy he had actually had a sexual relationship with them I would be absolutely blindsided and very confused.
However, you had already told him this, just not labelled it. So it's not new or a surprise.
Maybe you just need to reframe it again into something else. Why would you be bringing up being pan sexual anyway, if you are in a monogomous relationship with him. Seems like it was not really necessary unless you wanted to act on it.
Like I wouldnt just start telling my DH I am heterosexual and fancy men. For no particular reason.

Pansexual is a nonsense description* but you used it and now DH is unsurprisingly unhappy. Honesty is not always the best policy, OP, and the idea that anything now goes is not one that everyone holds - and there are good arguments that just because one likes doing something that does not mean one should do it. I think you probably need to be less open to your friend, who is after all an ex?
*It's attraction to all genders, so is part of gender-woo (gender is just personality). There are two sexes, you can be attracted to both, one or the other, or neither. Not surprised DH is worried by this, it makes you sound weird.

Meant to add, how would you feel, OP, if DH was chatting constantly to an ex and spending the night with them/him/her?

Being friends with an Ex? Good. Sleeping over at their house? Probably asking for a bit too much, IMHO.

Thanks everyone, a lot to think about, and a lot I agree with - I did say from the beginning that I agreed the “no overnights” request was reasonable.

just to add I am not “chatted constantly” with an ex at all! We catch up less than once a month over the phone and in person twice a year!

This. I think the replies here would be very different if D was a man 🙄

From what my students tell me bi is when you fancy hotties of either sex, there has to be physical chemistry. Pan is a higher calling, you are better than the rest of us grubby fuck bois, you are attracted to a persons soul, their deep core inner being shines out.
I always think of Adrian Moles dad saying “Oh yeah! And if Pandora was as ugly as sin you wouldn’t have noticed her bloody IQ and bleeding heart in the first place.”
😂😂

I guess it embraces more than 2 genders? 🤔🤔🤔

If 10am is too early to call then what is his too late - 4 pm?

You can only blindsight someone with something they didn't know. Since you had told him before about having female liovers, what is his problem. Is it the nameing it?

The Google God says ' Basically, if you're attracted to people of more than one gender, or all genders, you may be pansexual. Some people may use the words bisexual (attraction to more than one gender) and pansexual interchangeably, and others use only one word exclusively to describe themselves.'

I think that means Bi = Opposite or same sex, but Pan = Whatever with whatever through the LGBT etc list.

I think we all see these signs. No mentions in your posts about loving or being attracted to your partner, or any expression of a wish (or intention) to remain monogamous or even stay with your partner.