DH funny about my friends

[Cloudwatching57]

Apologies if this is long. I’ll try to keep it brief but there’s a lot of detail.
I have always been attracted to women as well as men, and when dh and I first got together I made sure he knew I had been with women before (no relationships just a bit of experimentation really). One of these women is D, who I was in college with and has remained a very dear friend. D is single and more or less always has been.
A few yrs ago I said to dh that I think I’m probably pansexual. I haven’t ever given the labels much thought but hadn’t heard of pan. At times in the past I might have described myself as gay, bi or straight (esp since I married a man). Dh took this v badly and felt blindsided and lied to. I in turn felt shamed and surprised by this reaction so not apologetic as I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong. He Was very off for a good while but gradually processed it I guess.
Anyway since then he thinks my friendship with D is inappropriate and views her as an ex and is uncomfortable with me seeing her. He doesn’t want to stop me being friends with her but is noticeably uncomfortable when I see her or we chat (she lives away) and has said he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for me to go and stay with her overnight like I used to, for example.
This morning she rang me at 10am out of blue and I answered thinking something might be wrong as she had said she was down. She was fine, we had a v quick chat and arranged to catch up later. Dh was uncomfortable and didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be ringing me in the morning when I was still in bed (reading in bed).

Thoughts?

I suspect the thing he's worried about is the closeness of the emotional relationship as it is ongoing and a lot more than a lot of friendships. I have old flames as friends, so does my DH, but we meet with them very occasionally, wouldn't mind if others came along, don't stay overnight or do holidays or things like that, and phoning at 10am on a Sunday is a little intrusive, I wouldn't do that to someone, anyone really, of my friends.

I suspect this is what he's worried about- and the fact your sexuality is still a live and ongoing issue and not resolved and put to bed.

I think you need to be very very honest with yourself. Is she a special friend more than other friends? Does she call or see you more than other friends? Is she single and kind of using you as her proxy girlfriend or are you fulfilling that emotional gap for her? If the answer is no, she's a pretty usual friend and my husband is a bit neurotic, then crack on. If you pause over some of these answers, perhaps your husband is intuiting something that is relevant here.

That's tricky... I would hate this and wind up very annoyed at this behaviour.

I do think it's unreasonable of him and he needs to understand that it's his issue to internally process... you have been 20 years for God's sake! Whether it's insecurity or whatever I think it's not OK.

I think people don't realise how with women, frienship and going out can occasionally meld but it does not mean that you cannot be trusted but it does mean that your exes are not easily cut out and can become some of your best friends. My DP gets on well with my old gf (it was only a few months) and we hang out with both our partners now, sometimes. If this is a good friend of yours I think he needs to understand immediately and clearly that - apart from saying you can't stay over, which you have accepted - he has no right to limit anything else about your frienship and should actually make an effort with her, like you would to his friends.

Youve been patient and put up with his unreasonable stuff last time. Maybe saying I get why you feel like this but I've now run out of patience, and you will not limit or punish me for one single more interaction with her. When he next gets funny you can be annoyed at him as you've made this clear. I don't know of course but perhaps you need to switch things around and maybe not be so reasonable anymore. I don't know though!

Good luck!

OP , He’s probably aware of many people who are gay but have chosen to get married to lead a more ‘conventional’ life only to realise they prefer a same sex relationship.
And now you’re subtly changing the goalposts, and is ways that can make your marriage collapse. And you’re upset with him because he made a dumb comment when your ex called?
How come you can process who you are ( and of course you can!) but he can’t feel nervous or worried about it?

Youre wanting to see an ex and stay over with them.

Id not be too keen on that either if I was your dh tbh.

Yes, this is how I feel.
It’s interesting seeing others clearly agree with him though, so he is obviously not being entirely unreasonable- even about the phoning at 10am!

Passive aggressive and coercive controlling behaviour are all parts of domestic abuse

All v good questions.
She is a special friend in that she is one of my 4 best friends (not a group, 4 individual closest friends from school and college who I have kept over the decades.
I don’t see her or speak to her more than the others at all - less in fact because she lives away. I see her in person about twice a year and we catch up on the phone less than once a month (texting sporadically inbetween)
She is single but not using me as a proxy partner given how little we see of each other.

The other thing that is relevant is that my husband has no friends, by choice. People love him and he does make connections but will resist any attempts at maintaining a friendship- a friend commitmentphobe! Perhaps that’s a whole other issue, but he does not understand friendship nor understand that I think of these longtime friends as extended family.

Yes, this is the crux of it really- I think he sees signs that things could change and is scared.

There seems nothing unusual about your friendship, then, and it is on him. I think your point about him not having friends is a very relevant one. He may be worried that things will change or that you simply aren't so into him any more and that's projected onto her. That's a different conversation. I'd be telling him to butt out of remarks about my friendship, and I'd also be fine going to stay with her overnight given you are not emotionally entwined any more, but he's clearly very touchy about all of this. You don't sound like you have the trust and stability between you and I suspect his way of dealing with that is trying to control the external world and not actually putting the time in with you as a couple. He sees which way the wind may blow (given your ongoing definitions of your sexuality).

he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for me to go and stay with her overnight like I used to, for example

Yes! No wonder!

Can you really not see why he's be pissed off or uncomfortable with that?

He's starting to realise that a bit of fooling around isn't as casual as what he once thought, that you are in fact bisexual and you're expecting to stay overnight with someone you were once sexually involved with....and you expect him to be ok with that??

I don't often point out double-standard on Mumsnet, but this is one where I can see that there is.

To those who think he's being controlling - when you agree to be in a relationship, it's not like being friends with someone, ffs. This isn't school.

You enter into (usually) a monogamous situation, a sexual pairing whereby it's not acceptable to push someone else's boundaries like this. People will say 'Well he should trust you'. Yes, but it's not one-sided, is it? One must learn when it's appropriate to give, but ALSO when it's not appropriate to take or expect things from others.

I understand that you may be more suited to different, more relaxed type of relationship, but he's also not wrong for being unhappy with all of this.

How was D meant to know you’d still be in bed at 10am? I’d assume that my mates were up and about at that time, bar those with little ones or on shifts. Bizarre that this annoyed him-in case she pictured you in bed?! Shocking!

I think you have totally underestimated how he feels about this - you can decide to be whoever you want to be, but he can choose how he responds.

I would feel very hurt and disrespected if my partner went and stayed with someone he once had a thing with. If you want this marriage to work you are going to have to talk too him, listen and understand how he feels.

why the need to label yourself?
tbh I feel for him. There was no need.

Wow this post is really disappointing.

Being attracted to men and women isn’t “spicy” and to “seem less boring.” OP had always told her husband she had had sex with men and women previously so it’s not a huge surprise.
why are bisexuals (especially women) always considered “not real.” Surely in this world, we should be able to talk to our oh about our sexuality. this comment feels very 1950s.
OP - I don’t think you should stop being friends with someone you’ve been friends with for years. Not sure is husband knew before re D but I think just reassuring him that it’s purely platonic, should help?

if not attached to the label why would you make a point of telling your partner this was your new label? To what end? These labels are attention seeking.

He deserves to be wary of you. I think he's had a great deal of patience.

Pan is a bisexual who wants virtue signalling points, for their sexuality.
It's an 'I'm so interesting' label.

I get it OP.
I'm bi, or nowadays I would say I'm pan because I connect to the individual, not whether they are m/f/trans/nb.
If I'm attracted to them, game on.

Although... I fell in love 16 years ago with a man and we have two children.
Doesnt stop my desires. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu ... 🤷🏼‍♂️

I told my DP too, that I'd be pan these days. He brushed it off but I think he'd have issues with staying with someone I'd had sex with even if it was 20 years ago although I have spent time with someone I had relations with back in the day and he presented as ok.

'I am attracted to both men and women' is the same as 'I can be attracted to any person'.

Op you've queried whether your DH is right to react the way he does. You describe him withdrawing, being glum, evading communal activity, then raising what's bothering him in a flat voice.

At that point what you should do is give him a big hug, tell him you love him, ask him if he wants to talk about his fears, tell him there could never be anyone else.

But instead you are querying his responses when he's obviously upset. You keep linking this to your stated sexuality.
I feel sorry for him as you are so dismissive of his deep seated feelings. It doesn't have to be he's right or he's wrong. It's not a competition, it's a marriage, but in many ways from your posts I think you have a large dose of Main Character Syndrome in that marriage. Sorry, but poor man. I say that not to do with your sexuality, but with your inability to validate him when he feels shit.

I am married, monogomous and also bi. Back in the day I slept with many of my women friends. We are still close friends decades later. My DH likes them and could not care less who I have slept with in the past.

Yes , this exactly 👌.
He’s not controlling at all, but some PPS will say he is .
None of us would want our husband to stay overnight at someone’s house that they have had sex with before , in all fairness.
Why should it be different when it’s the other way around ??.

Are you seriously saying you would be happy for your partner/husband to go and spend the night with his ex girlfriend ???

I have read some daft things on here, but come on, surely NOBODY would be happy about this

Wow people are really triggered by “the label”! I really didn’t “make a point” of telling him, it came up in conversation and he asked “do you think you would still consider yourself bi?” And I answered honestly and openly. Apologies all round if my musings about my own identity offends 🙄

As for validating and reassuring him, you do have a point there, I could definitely do better. I’m only querying his reaction because we are almost 20 years down the line and he’s “off” with me because she called me in the morning. How many times should I need to reassure him? Once a month whenever I speak to this person? And I don’t “keep linking it” to my sexuality, at all. I am platonic friends with this person so to me it’s not connected to my sexuality.

Why is it more virtuous to be pan?

People are so funny about labels!