Is it normal to dislike your adult daughter?

[Ilikesundays]

I have 3 dds all adult and settled. The middle one has always been “difficult” even as a child and things haven’t improved as she has got older. Now in her 50s, a professional, with a high-earning dh and 3 grown-up and well-adjusted and high-achieving dcs, she still makes catty and spiteful remarks to me about her sisters and their children. She has never been able to keep friends for long, but befriends the latest person to join her circle, whether professionally or socially but a few months later they are no longer her friends. She is very off-hand with us, although she lives much nearer than the other two, she pops in for half an hour once a week as if that’s her duty to her parents done. The others make a huge effort to drive down, in each case taking 2 hours to get to see us and they usually stay for half a day. Their dcs come and see us often. My dh is bed-bound and I am infirm (we’re in our 80s). I do my best with her but it’s difficult and I always feel drained when she’s gone home after seeing us and ranting - usually about politics (she and her dh are very right- wing, which I’m not) or how little money they have. Anybody in a similar situation?

If they are high earners why are they complaining about not having enough money ?

I'm sorry to read your message. So far as you're aware, is it true to say that she was treated the same as the others when your girls were growing up? Was she ill at some point and needed extra care, or maybe had something happen which necessitated your focusing on her? It's just that, in my experience, some children grow up believing themselves to be better than the rest of their family and sometimes it was because they were the 'golden child'.

But obviously I can only generalise.

I might be in a similar situation - but I suspect this is how my DM sees me - she just doesn't like me very much - or know me at all. I'm not good enough and never have been. I even found a letter from her complaining about me - and I'd have been 7 years old when she wrote it

I might be transferring here - but could she have always suspected you found her "difficult" & she feels she doesn't fit into your idea of family - the same politics and opinions etc. She behaves like it's a duty because to her it is - there's no real acceptance or love. Do you love her? Maybe she's catty about siblings because she thinks they got a better deal? Maybe she's quick to make to friends because she's insecure or lonely.

I don't know - it's a very sad situation and I hope you find a way to be closer - but it might not all be her fault.

Not me but an old friend of mine had this with her dd. She was the middle child and nothing like either of her brothers. My friend was borderline scared of her and always walked on eggshells when she visited.

I often think when I meet unreasonable people that their relatives must be exhausted. Seems like it's a good thing she only stays 30 minutes if she's so boring and tiresome.

It sounds as though neither of you like each other. If you were interested in improving the relationship, some honest self reflection or therapy might help? Have you tried to talk to her about your feelings

I am coming at this from the other direction in that I strongly suspect (know) my mother thinks of me in the way you think about your daughter. In my case, self reflection and therapy has shown me that the roots of our bad relationship are down to my mother's jealousy of me (I'm a professional with grown up well adjusted DCs; like your daughter) and the fact that she openly prefers my brother and his children, who may come for longer visits but don't visit so frequently. This has left me on edge during visits so I probably come across as snippy as conversation is a huge chore.

I obviously don't know you or your daughter, so your circumstances may be entirely different, but for a second I did wonder if you were my mother posting. Just giving you an alternative perspective anyway.

If she was seen as the "difficult" child from an early age then that will have influenced her entire psyche and her relationships with her family for a lifetime.

This is such an important observation

I'm sorry, that sounds a sad situation. The energy given over to politics, where that whole area won't be a comfortable period spent in each other's company, is possibly a sign of resentment and stress being not far under the surface. If she isn't used to seeing a number of friends a lot of the time, then possibly, her partner and her will function as a bit of an echo chamber where there isn't always much diplomacy necessary at home.

However. I am getting on the way to 50 and my parents are in their 80s, several hours away. I try as hard as possible to see them as often as I can, but I have been able to tell that they don't understand a lot of the components that present difficulties in this. I have to travel by train and so cost is a factor, but also being able to travel when I feel most safe (so not getting back with late trains on either Friday nights or Sunday nights, for example - this is learned from experience as it's not pleasant and sometimes seriously delayed or overcrowded). I have a DC at school with a lot of homework now, so if visits are longer than a couple of days, it typically needs to be in school breaks. I try to fit with things that they would like to do - visiting a cafe they would usually visit every day, or arranging lunch - but it is often received as lukewarm at best, or 'It won't be possible, parking is too bad there at that time', or that kind of thing. So it feels that things miss the mark because of many small disconnects, despite trying.

It’s entirely normal not to like relatives as adults, I assume you love her ?
You do seem very dismissive of her though, it may be closer but visiting every week is still a big commitment for her.

Gently, I suggest that 30 minutes every week sounds pretty equal to less frequent visits of 2-4 hours.

I think people who often catty are usually pretty unhappy about something and maybe she feels some resentment to her older & younger sisters.

You're not unreasonable for finding her draining, with people like that I generally try and keep conversation light and steer it back to less contentious topics. Are you able to visit her or meet for coffee at a garden centre instead?

Completely agree with this. While I was not labelled “difficult” growing up, I was (and still am) very, very different from the rest of my family and would get remarks like “oh you just have to be different, don’t you” or “why can’t you just be like your siblings”, and my personal favourite “you’re so picky” (for daring to have a preference that wasn’t exactly the same as theirs). Consequently I spent my 20s quite bitter and snarky then matured to ‘acceptance’ and kept my distance since 🤷‍♀️

The worrying thing about the OP is that the daughter has continued this behaviour into her 50s. I would be cutting contact with her at this point @Ilikesundays

Absolutely.

Yes of course, just cut contact with her daughter ! 😦 That must be the only solution..

Your poor daughter. Sounds like you have disliked her from an early age and now she limits her exposure to you, you use this as confirmation she's bad. You were the parent, the matriarch.

I am like the daughter in your situation. I always knew my mum didn't like me. She belittled every achievement I ever made and clearly resented the success I had as an adult.
In my case, my mum had felt that her patents had preferred her older sister (who I'm actually very much like). She talked openly about this when I was growing up and made a point of ensuring that my younger sister didn't feel the same way - very much to my detriment.
At close to 50 now, I keep quite distant. My parents visit when they want to and I am polite, I acknowledge birthdays and they come for Christmas but I don't feel warmly towards them and I don't doubt they feel that.
If your daughter feels similarly then I think its probably quite difficult for her to visit you so often - and as you recognise she likely does it out of duty.
With kindness, I notice your post is only complaining about her. You don't seem to be reflecting on your part or wishing things could be different. If you want to improve the relationship I'd suggest start by appreciating her visits. If you don't want them then tell her and save her the effort. You could also ask her if you've hurt her. My parents aren't feelings kind of people, much more stay quiet and resentful types so I never raise how I feel with them but I would actually like to have that conversation if they were prepared to open the door to it.
Its very common for siblings to have entirely different experiences childhood and of being parented by the same people so don't assume that you aren't a part of the issue just because your other children seem loving towards you and she doesn't.

Excellent reply.

I had a great relationship with my DM, sadly dead now, but she lived close to me. I would see her most weeks but just for a cuppa and sometimes we went out shopping etc and she was great with my DC. However my DSis and DB lived further away so when they visited they stayed with her and I always felt a little left out. It’s funny how even as adults we can be affected by things like this.
I think you should try to delve a bit deeper. She visits you every week which is more than most.

I'm sure you love her, she's your daughter. Although you're her mum you don't have to like her.

Is it normal to dislike your adult daughter? No, it’s pretty unusual. But you don’t have to like each other. I have one sister that I don’t much like (I love the other ones), we go through the ‘duty’ visits but I’m not sure why. Just because you’re related doesn’t oblige you to like each other.

Why are you sure?

For every person who doesn't really like their mum much, I think there's probably a mum who doesn't like their daughter much.

This idea that mums are responsible for their daughters not liking them, but that daughters even if 55 are not responsible for being a bit horrid, is an odd one, because clearly if being a bit dislikeable was caused by upbringing, then the mum's dislikeability is also caused by her mum, and so on and so forth, back into time.

The best situation is if we can encompass people as they are and not as they wish them to be, but that's the counsel of perfection.

In this situation, I'd just accept she's a prickly person, or that you bring out the prickly side of her.

You are not to blame any more than your mum is to blame that you are the way you are at this stage of the game. She's an adult, she could go to therapy, find ways to interact differently, or get a new attitude, she isn't going to and so the only thing you can adjust is your own behaviour and willingness to put up with it. She probably does care about you a lot of she bothers visiting every week but doesn't know how to show it- perhaps she's an abrupt type of a person, I know a few like this and they are difficult but often mean well.

I would assume good intentions even if she's a bit prickly on the outside, if you reach out to her- thank her for visiting so often, show her some baby photos, buy her a little pressie, and change the dynamic, she may behave quite differently.

Sounds like the opposite of the golden child, more like that scapegoating results in this situation.

@Ilikesundays my epitaph will read "she tried to please her mother". I'm 65 now and mother is 89. She's a tiny bitnmore posotive about my life now because she needs me more.

I was never the dd she wanted and am only child. I was a quiet child, bookish, not a party girl, a bit shy, with no obvious talents and was similarly "mousy" in looks as a child. My mother didn't let me wear pink because ot was pretty, blonde girls.

She would much prefer DH and I to be more glam, to laugh and party more, and to be more ostentatious. That isn't who we are. Because we aren't always out partying she lokes to jibe that we are anti-social and and have few friends. That's not the case.

I wonder if some reflection is needed, particularly as your dd visits weekly and presumably knows you don't like her. Perhaps discussing politics keeps off other more sensitive subjects.

I have always felt that my mother didn’t really like me, it’s in the way she looks at me, the things she has said, and it has always hurt. But here’s the thing: when I am around her I often become the worst version of myself. I’m bloody well 50 and find myself responding to her like a 12 year old, I get huffy, I get sullen, it’s really not edifying behaviour 🙄 but I can’t seem to help it! I wonder if it might be the case that your daughter is picking something up from you, and would it be worth having a deeper chat with her about this possibility?