Is it normal to dislike your adult daughter?

[Ilikesundays]

I have 3 dds all adult and settled. The middle one has always been “difficult” even as a child and things haven’t improved as she has got older. Now in her 50s, a professional, with a high-earning dh and 3 grown-up and well-adjusted and high-achieving dcs, she still makes catty and spiteful remarks to me about her sisters and their children. She has never been able to keep friends for long, but befriends the latest person to join her circle, whether professionally or socially but a few months later they are no longer her friends. She is very off-hand with us, although she lives much nearer than the other two, she pops in for half an hour once a week as if that’s her duty to her parents done. The others make a huge effort to drive down, in each case taking 2 hours to get to see us and they usually stay for half a day. Their dcs come and see us often. My dh is bed-bound and I am infirm (we’re in our 80s). I do my best with her but it’s difficult and I always feel drained when she’s gone home after seeing us and ranting - usually about politics (she and her dh are very right- wing, which I’m not) or how little money they have. Anybody in a similar situation?

So she is coming to visit just to make sure you and hubby don’t forget to add her in your will! Your other children are coming because they care and love you and want to spend time with you! Middle daughter if time that you won’t be leaving anything to her when you die as you won’t have any money left then I suspect you won’t have to put up with her awful visits any more

What a vile comment. Are you always so toxic?
Some people have very complex relationships with their parents and navigate them as best they can. I do not go and visit my mother for some imagined inheritance. She’s my mum and we are opposite personalities and it’s difficult and complicated but she is the only parent I have left.
Maybe stick to topics you have actual knowledge of.

Are the other children visiting out of care and love?
Half a day is the bare minimum it's worth spending if you have a 4 hour round trip to see someone. If I "cared and loved" someone I would be looking to spend more.

How on earth could you possibly know this? Let me make a wild assumption like you did... Mother of three who also dislikes her middle child?!

... You can be a billionaire and still not have enough money

That's a shame, but obviously possible. Reverse situation here. Elderly narcissistic mother. Fortunately, in another country. 👍

I agree. Dont think for a moment she hasnt realised this and now you are reaping the consequences.

You sound very nasty about her.

There are many excellent observations on this thread, but this one really is on the money.

’the other two make a huge effort etc’

Very telling on your attitude Op.

This daughter checks in every week. I dare say when things go bump in the night, you will probably call her first.

Honestly, there are two sides to this.

I understand the ranting etc wears you out.
Perhaps try talking to her. Tell her you love her, if you do , but tell her something along the lines that ‘ politics today are too upsetting to both of us, let’s talk about something else.’

However, if you prefer to follow the advice to stop contact, just be sure you don’t expect her help in an emergency.

My only DD has recently done something which has crossed one of my redlines. It has made me see her in a very different light, has completely changed the dynamic of our relationship for the worse. TBH I can't see it being something that we can come back from. It's so hard with adult DC at times, especially if they don't turn out to be the people you would hope they would be.

Adding another perspective to this… I could see myself as the sibling in this. Although ‘difficult’ wasn’t a word that I heard used to describe my sister during her childhood, she was (and still is). I’ve seen her absolutely break both of my parents with her attitude and behaviours. If anyone were to suggest to me that I’ve labelled her unfairly, they would be completely erasing my experiences. Some people are difficult and being related doesn’t mean that you are immune to their uncomfortable actions. I am,
of course, projecting hugely here and OP may be in a very different situation but some peoples energies are exhausting to be around even when you’re trying your best to keep things positive.

I don't get how some mothers expect such control over other adults just because they are their mother. Adults have their own values, they do not have to follow their mother's red lines or anything else, within reason. Cutting off an adult child for disobedience is really awful.

@FishMouse

It's not about wanting to exert control. We all have our boundaries and if someone breaks them, no matter who it is, we all have a right to react as we see fit.

Did she say she cut her off? I imagine if someone had done something awful you would find it hard to have the same relationship.

Well yes, anyone can and should exert their boundaries but expecting an adult child to live their life conforming to mother's rules is a bit different. Obviously it depends what it is that they've done, and whether the adult child's siblings would be dealt with the same severity.

@FishMouse

It isn't a rule, but for me it was a big no no. DD was not punished but it has changed our relationship. There are no siblings.
If someone I knew committed fraud I would think very differently of them. Im using that as an extreme example to try to explain my feelings.
DD did not commit fraud,but what she did do has changed my opinion of her and radically changed our relationship.

@Ilikesundays
Sadly some people are simply born with difficult personalities and traits, and it can be utterly tiring at times having them in your life.

We naturally love our offspring, but sometimes it can be difficult to love them all of the time.

I expect you have caused her personality traits and she knows (and reciprocates) your feelings towards her.

Thats it exactly. We all feel we are walking on eggshells with her.

You dislike her. She dislikes you. Things are tense.

No it's not that unusual to find close relatives annoying I wouldn't say. You get what you get!

If you don't like her politics say "no politics darling, we'll have to agree to disagree" and if she says nasty things about others say "I don't want to hear that."

I do feel she's in a no-win situation though. You don't like her but think her visits should be longer?! Can you think about that for a second?

This is good advice.

I’m going to go against the grain here-I have two DD’s-one 19, one 20. They have been raised the same (very much so as they are so close in age). The younger one had a difficult teenage period and tested me to my limits in terms of risky behaviours and acting out, the older one was relatively easy. Fast forward to now, the younger has worked through her issues and is doing well. She is easy company and contributes a lot to our family life. The older has become extremely hard work. She has fallen out with all her friends as they don’t always do what she wants. She left a good (if a little boring) job as she said she was being victimised (I supported her in this even though I couldn’t personally see what the huge issue was). Her mood swings are abrupt and have us all waking on egg shells all the time. She has very black and white (but sometimes illogical) thinking and she can never admit that she is wrong or worse has told a lie, even when it’s very obvious she has. She is over sensitive and sees criticism in innocuous interactions and takes huge offence. She contributes very little to our household, practically or Emotionally. She was always the more prickly of the two when they were small children, in the same way op describes her DD. I suspect low level depression or even some undiagnosed autistic traits in her (DD2 has diagnosed inattentive ADD so it may follow). I love them both and always have-DD2 when she was putting us through hell and DD1 now when she is also testing us in a different way-but I can’t say I currently find DD1 all that likeable. How could I when she treats us all so badly?
I will continue to look after her, support her financially and offer her help with her mental health (which she refuses as she doesn’t see the issue). But do I privately find her easy? No not at the moment…. And it makes me really bloody sad-as I imagine the OP feels too.

it’s not always a clear case of ‘your parent must have treated you badly so you treat them like shit’. Sometimes other things-MH/environment/outside events and influences are also at play. And if you are on the receiving end it can be quite exhausting.

i don’t really have any advice for you OP-except to say that maybe you just have to accept people as they are-it’s unlikely she will change or your relationship will change at this point so I think you just have to accept it as it is and not over think it anymore.

Is your ‘easier daughter’ going through a delayed rebellion now?

Very wise and very true.

You haven’t engaged very much on this thread OP.
I wonder does your DD provide support/do tasks on or in between her visits? Once a week when you’re working and have other commitments is a very frequent visit and you haven’t acknowledged that at all.

Yup that was me, looking back I was totally normal, but I wasn’t beautiful. Total black sheep. Really made me feel not good enough. NC with parents now, I think we are all happier for it.