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Original poster

Is it normal to dislike your adult daughter?

89 replies

Ilikesundays · 29/11/2025 12:03

I have 3 dds all adult and settled. The middle one has always been “difficult” even as a child and things haven’t improved as she has got older. Now in her 50s, a professional, with a high-earning dh and 3 grown-up and well-adjusted and high-achieving dcs, she still makes catty and spiteful remarks to me about her sisters and their children. She has never been able to keep friends for long, but befriends the latest person to join her circle, whether professionally or socially but a few months later they are no longer her friends. She is very off-hand with us, although she lives much nearer than the other two, she pops in for half an hour once a week as if that’s her duty to her parents done. The others make a huge effort to drive down, in each case taking 2 hours to get to see us and they usually stay for half a day. Their dcs come and see us often. My dh is bed-bound and I am infirm (we’re in our 80s). I do my best with her but it’s difficult and I always feel drained when she’s gone home after seeing us and ranting - usually about politics (she and her dh are very right- wing, which I’m not) or how little money they have. Anybody in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilikesundays · 30/11/2025 12:23

It’s more her attitude towards her siblings, particularly the elder one (only a year apart) that really upsets me. This has been going on since childhood and my dear mother said she’d grow out of it! She seems jealous of both her siblings for no reason. We love them equally and have given each of them enough money to buy starter homes when they left home.
She is very scornful about her older sister and her sister’s children and tells me her own children don’t get on with them although they see them very seldom as the sister lives far away from us. She was always much cleverer than her older sister, passed every exam with flying colours and is very talented in many ways outside her profession. Of course we love her and make a big fuss of her when she comes to see us. But it’s like walking on eggshells when she’s here and she bridles at any opinion that doesn’t chime with hers.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 30/11/2025 12:52

Ilikesundays · 30/11/2025 12:23

It’s more her attitude towards her siblings, particularly the elder one (only a year apart) that really upsets me. This has been going on since childhood and my dear mother said she’d grow out of it! She seems jealous of both her siblings for no reason. We love them equally and have given each of them enough money to buy starter homes when they left home.
She is very scornful about her older sister and her sister’s children and tells me her own children don’t get on with them although they see them very seldom as the sister lives far away from us. She was always much cleverer than her older sister, passed every exam with flying colours and is very talented in many ways outside her profession. Of course we love her and make a big fuss of her when she comes to see us. But it’s like walking on eggshells when she’s here and she bridles at any opinion that doesn’t chime with hers.

It sounds from your posts like you discuss the issues you have with your daughter with her siblings so I'm not surprised she has issues with the siblings too. It won't have gone unnoticed by her that you're a little gang with her older sister and maybe the younger one too but she feels the outsider.
Don't think that your older daughter doesn't repeat the things you say to her to your middle one. Even if she doesn't now, she certainly will have when they were younger.
Your middle daughter is likely a completely different person when away from your family dynamic. She's obviously been capable of maintaining her own family and producing, in your words, two very well adjusted adult children of her own.
Perhaps if you and your other children stopped bitching about her behind her back then you might get to see the person she actually is, not the one that's guarded and defensive around you and clearly unappreciated and disliked.

ShiftingSand · 30/11/2025 13:13

Gawwwd · 29/11/2025 13:31

I have always felt that my mother didn’t really like me, it’s in the way she looks at me, the things she has said, and it has always hurt. But here’s the thing: when I am around her I often become the worst version of myself. I’m bloody well 50 and find myself responding to her like a 12 year old, I get huffy, I get sullen, it’s really not edifying behaviour 🙄 but I can’t seem to help it! I wonder if it might be the case that your daughter is picking something up from you, and would it be worth having a deeper chat with her about this possibility?

I can relate. My solution is to steer clear. Neither of us is going to change at this point and she has the close company of my two other siblings, so by being very low contact we can both be happier.

Ruffledfeather · 30/11/2025 13:21

You never grow out of seeking your parents love and approval. I'd guess she can sense that you don't like her as much as her siblings and her behaviour is from a place of hurt and of wanting to put them down so she looks better to you, thus gaining your approval.

MsWilmottsGhost · 30/11/2025 13:26

mswales · 29/11/2025 12:15

If she was seen as the "difficult" child from an early age then that will have influenced her entire psyche and her relationships with her family for a lifetime.

Yeah this @Ilikesundays. Don't think she isn't very aware of your feelings, I mean they do come across very clearly in your OP.

I'm the "difficult child" in our family. Nothing I ever do is, or ever has been, good enough. My brother in the other hand, can do no wrong, mum's mantra throughout my childhood was "he's such a good boy, such a clever boy, why cant you be more like him?"

When my dad was ill with dementia, I drove across the country twice a week to help, while heavily pregnant, and my brother who lived 10 minutes away never went over saying dad was "too boring", and yet mum still went on about how much support he was and how I was only there sometimes..

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 30/11/2025 13:27

But it’s like walking on eggshells when she’s here and she bridles at any opinion that doesn’t chime with hers.

Would you be better of doing something on these visits - heading somewhere or doing something - even a short walk - basically being more proactive in managing them.

I have family full of diffcult people - ND lots of sibling issues for a huge range of reasons.

I also know being the unfavour child/CG isn't great - so when favourism tripped over worse in next generation I stepped back - but it's actaully more hurtful than when it was me. I make a very concious decsion to be positive about siblings kids even when honestly not sure I do feel that way and resent how slighted my own DC have been.

Anonworried · 30/11/2025 15:26

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 30/11/2025 13:27

But it’s like walking on eggshells when she’s here and she bridles at any opinion that doesn’t chime with hers.

Would you be better of doing something on these visits - heading somewhere or doing something - even a short walk - basically being more proactive in managing them.

I have family full of diffcult people - ND lots of sibling issues for a huge range of reasons.

I also know being the unfavour child/CG isn't great - so when favourism tripped over worse in next generation I stepped back - but it's actaully more hurtful than when it was me. I make a very concious decsion to be positive about siblings kids even when honestly not sure I do feel that way and resent how slighted my own DC have been.

We have this.
After years of holding back, being positive about the nephews and nieces I am letting it all rip.
In this case, it's MIL, she played favourites with her own kids, DH was in favour then out. And she absolutely plays favourites with the next gen. Three siblings, two kids per sibling, all close in age and don't we know the favourites.
Now MIL will defend this, that as the matriarch, it's her role to pull us together, sharing news around the family. What actually happens is she claims Little Fred is a maths genius, ignoring the kids in front of her. Little Fred got this repeated over and over again. Even when your kid gets an A, little Fred is ever so good at maths until he fails even a GCSE and it all goes quiet.
I call it now

Original poster
Ilikesundays · 01/12/2025 19:06

She was certainly the daughter I wanted and love still. She's very clever, attractive and her children are gorgeous. It's just her snide, catty remarks about her sisters and her older sister's children that set my teeth on edge. As a teenager, her older sister's friends were scared of her and one or two used to hide when they came to our house until she'd gone out. She upset her best friend at school at a party by telling everybody something she'd been told in strict confidence. I often feel I'm walking on eggshells with her, and so does my youngest. The oldest one tries to avoid her. I do try not to 'rise' to it when she starts and change the subject but it often ends with a row.

OP posts:
Nomdemare · 01/12/2025 19:10

redskydelight · 29/11/2025 12:14

It sounds as though neither of you like each other. If you were interested in improving the relationship, some honest self reflection or therapy might help? Have you tried to talk to her about your feelings

I am coming at this from the other direction in that I strongly suspect (know) my mother thinks of me in the way you think about your daughter. In my case, self reflection and therapy has shown me that the roots of our bad relationship are down to my mother's jealousy of me (I'm a professional with grown up well adjusted DCs; like your daughter) and the fact that she openly prefers my brother and his children, who may come for longer visits but don't visit so frequently. This has left me on edge during visits so I probably come across as snippy as conversation is a huge chore.

I obviously don't know you or your daughter, so your circumstances may be entirely different, but for a second I did wonder if you were my mother posting. Just giving you an alternative perspective anyway.

I did wonder if the OP might be my mother too! She’s always thought of me as ‘difficult’ …

Original poster
Ilikesundays · 01/12/2025 19:13

Maybe you just have to accept people as they are-it’s unlikely she will change or your relationship will change at this point so I think you just have to accept it as it is and not over think it anymore.

You're right and this is the best advice! She can be totally lovely at times!

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 01/12/2025 20:55

newnamehereonceagain · 30/11/2025 11:34

Is your ‘easier daughter’ going through a delayed rebellion now?

Show quote history

Maybe. But if so it’s an odd one-being horrible to her whole family and going bananas if even asked to so much as load the dishwasher. She is nearly 20-she seemed to have more idea about how to behave when she was 14. She’s always had a temper but she currently treats us with total disdain, whilst living rent or any other contribution free with us-and it’s a bit tiresome to say the least. I think she is very unhappy with where she is in life-but she is where she is of her own making-she refuses any help and won’t listen to advice from anyone at all-and so we carry on. Hopefully something will
click for her at some point and until then we grit our teeth and love her as best we can. Sorry to
hijack your thread op!

RoamingToaster · 01/12/2025 21:51

These threads are always filled with people projecting their own issues onto the OP. It’s always the mother who is to blame for all the issues.

Betty91 · 01/12/2025 21:56

Ilikesundays · 01/12/2025 19:06

She was certainly the daughter I wanted and love still. She's very clever, attractive and her children are gorgeous. It's just her snide, catty remarks about her sisters and her older sister's children that set my teeth on edge. As a teenager, her older sister's friends were scared of her and one or two used to hide when they came to our house until she'd gone out. She upset her best friend at school at a party by telling everybody something she'd been told in strict confidence. I often feel I'm walking on eggshells with her, and so does my youngest. The oldest one tries to avoid her. I do try not to 'rise' to it when she starts and change the subject but it often ends with a row.

I think letting stuff go that she did in her teens is crucial.

She is who she is - focus on her good points, try and ignore her trickier stuff. We are all muddling through & not everyone gets on with the people they are related to. Famously siblings bicker ... this isn't unusual either.

redskydelight · 02/12/2025 07:24

RoamingToaster · 01/12/2025 21:51

These threads are always filled with people projecting their own issues onto the OP. It’s always the mother who is to blame for all the issues.

It take two people to make a relationship and an individual is only responsible for your own behaviour.

OP has openly said enough things (her child was always difficult, favouring her other child etc) to make it clear that that at least some of the "blame" is on her side. These are things she can and should acknowledge and address if she wants to have a better relationship with her daughter.

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