He won’t leave me alone

[natel]

There is a guy I know. He is more of an acquaintance. He has Asperger’s Syndrome. I was a good ear in a bad time of his life but now he just messages everyday complaining about the problems in his life. Many times myself and others have told him the solutions but he refuses to sort the problems.

I think he secretly enjoys being a victim as it means he gets to tell people his story and he has contact with someone. He puts people down who read his messages and take days to reply. On Saturday I messaged and said me and my partner are out all day on Sunday as he gets paranoid if you don’t reply within hours.

On the day out he is messaging negative things about his problems. I didn’t respond until I got back. I find it selfish he has tried to ruin my day out. Then I left it for hours to reply. He starts being funny saying is there something wrong and I haven’t been in touch!

He said he will message tomorrow which is today. I am tired of it all now. He doesn’t work and moans about trivial things which can be easily sorted. The other day it was about a bad experience in a shop, then it’s his parents, his sister, neighbours or women he is trying to date. It’s always negative. Because he doesn’t work he has too much time on his hands.

I have signposted him to external agencies before and sent links and phone numbers because some of these issues are out of my depth. He refuses to ring the domestic abuse line about his parents who domestically abuse as he lives with them - I said ring away from the house. I said but you need to talk to someone about it. I don’t want to get involved and who am I to access or not recognise a trait if he is in danger. He has his own house but is being ‘bullied’ by neighbours. I have been there and there has been no noise that he always complains of.

I think his main problem is loneliness. He says he wants to meet a woman like me. He needs to realise I am not that woman. He said most women don’t listen or reciprocate. My partner worked with him 20 years ago and said he was the same at work constantly asking people
to show him a process again and then when they got fed up after multiple times and they told him he reported them for bullying. My partner says I have too much patience and don’t know how I do it as others tried and failed.

I work full time and have a partner who has health issues and I do a lot of driving. I also have to support my brother with his mental health. I am at breaking point and can’t take on another person’s problems.

I would block him on all channels because you're his emotional dumping ground. You cannot pour from an empty cup. If he continues then contact the police and have no compunction about doing so.

If you just stop replying that will give him something else to complain about, so you will be doing him a favour!

I think you have to step back a bit, if he sends a message don't read it until the next day and reply briefly. If he sends several messages just reply once (the next day or later) but not an essay. You can't let a person dictate your life like this, particularly someone who is really not a friend is not a relative and is definitely not your responsibility.

This is a boundary issue. I've struggled with boundaries all my life but now I'm over 50, it's much easier. Remember he is responsible for himself and his life. You have a right to not answer, or to block him. You don't owe him anything. Good luck and I hope you can feel comfortable to create some space for yourself.

I’d cut contact.

"Sorry, Nigel. I have too much on my plate at the moment to continue this friendship. I wish you all the best. Goodbye."

Text him that he is not to contact you again. Then block him, if he contacts you, report him to the police for harassment.

There's no other option. He doesn't want help, it goes ignored, this isn't a friendship and there's no reason to allow him any further access to harass you.

I agree with above posters just tell him you have given him all the time attention and advice you have in you and that because he has no respect for your personal time you have to either block him or at very outside you can only talk to him once a week, on the phone rather than via texting daily.
Aspergers is an outdated term just fyi.

I think sometimes we can forget that while people with asd may struggle with social cues and boundaries, they also often appreciate people being honest and direct with them because it makes things clear. And a lot of the time we don't do that because we're scared of being rude or hurting feelings. So relationships get into difficulties.

With that in mind what I would do is actually sit down with him and say that you think you need to agree some boundaries in order to maintain your friendship. Id explain how emotional bandwidth works. Ie: everyone has a limit of how much negativity they can personally tolerate but that depends on the person and it can change by the day depending on if they're tired/ had a bad day/ aren't feeling great etc. So what he needs to do when he's frustrated or seeking support is just ask permission from someone before he offloads. Aka - "I'm finding something hard do you have the bandwidth to listen right now?" And then people can decide to say yes or no and they'll feel more respected. If they say no then he needs to go elsewhere with his issue or he needs to check in again the next day or at an agreed timeframe if their capacity has changed. If they say yes, then he's free to offload. I'd explain that this is a really simple way he can support his friends with their mental health and protect his relationships at the same time.

I would also explain that when people listen to him and give him advice they will then expect him to action that advice to resolve the problem. If he doesn't then that becomes frustrating for other people because they will feel like he didn't listen to them. So I'd tell him that in future, if he's coming to someone to offload- he needs to be prepared to do something about the problem as people are not comfortable listening to the same issue or type of issue repeatedly because he's making something that he is responsible for, their problem. Give him clear examples eg. You talked a lot about being lonely so I advised you to start volunteering- but you didn't do it, you talked about finding xyz hard and I gave you the number for support worker but you didn't call.

I think, given that you seem to really care about him, I'd have that very clear boundaries talk and then if he continues to break the boundaries you set, I'd tell him directly that you're stepping back because he hasn't respected the boundaries you set in the friendship.

Obviously this all depends on whether or not you still want to maintain a friendship with him or not. But this is what I'd do.

I don't think it's a good idea to have a sit down chat with the man, he wants to date her, won't take no for an answer and accuses people of bullying him if he doesn't get the reaction he wants.

He keeps telling me he has Asperger’s Syndrome so that’s why I posted about it as I am used to hearing him say he has that. Obviously if I see someone else it is Autism Spectrum Disorder. It just shows he doesn’t get support as he still refers to it as Asperger’s Syndrome, I haven’t heard anyone use that term in years.

He is an acquaintance not even close friend and you lowered your boundaries to a point you notify him when you are doing something.
That's a massive problem.
I agree with pp absolutely no sitdown with him.
Let him know you don't have bandwidth and do not reply to him anymore, pet alone give warnings you are busy. If you feel like you can manage it, you can simply reply every few days.

@Lavender14 I don’t think I can go another year to ‘train’ him. I have told him multiple times I need a rest or have my own problems and can’t handle the negativity and he is not interested.

Just FIY it's emotional vampire and they rarely change, whether ND or NT.

I think you just send him one last message: “This messaging is getting too much now. I have my own problems to deal with and can’t take on yours too. Wishing you well for the future but I won’t be replying any more.” Then once he has read it, block. Other people have had no success in getting him to listen so you’re not going to be able to either.

Thank you, I know other neurodivergent people who extremely respectful and polite and don’t treat me like this. He definitely is an emotional vampire.

I think you need to spell things out for him. Please don’t just block him because he might not understand why, and it’s cruel.

Simply say it you find so many texts inappropriate and you don’t feel you can offer this level of support. Then either say that unfortunately you won’t be in touch again (if that’s what you want to do) or that you’re happy to be in touch once a week (for example).

Short and straight to the point messages. If you feel you will need to block him eventually, then please tell him in advance and repeat why. This will be useful feedback filer future friendships, even if it hurts to hear.

I sent him links and contact numbers to domestic abuse hotlines for men and a carers line because he is stressed caring for his elderly parents.

I said I can’t help and if he’s serious about spring his problems he would ring the helplines.

He totally ignored what I said and said he has popped round to his own home ‘making it nice to sell’. it’s a lie, he has been saying this for 18 months and knows I am annoyed and pretending to tone it down so I will talk to him.

He is a lost cause, I didn’t click the message and previewed it about him being at his house as I could see the full message. I’m not responding.

Recently mutual friend’s father passed away 3 weeks ago and he is being terrible dumping his problems on her and he has told me this and shown me what he sent her. He is being controlling saying she must be with another man because she doesn’t reply quickly or reply. I said her father passed away and she is grieving and needs space.

He is obsessed with her even though she told him a year ago she was not interested in dating her as she rejected him when he asked her out. I have told him to stop pestering her but he thinks if is ‘there for her’ she will change her mind and date him.

He is very much hard work. Are his messages on whatsapp? Just because you can mute and archive them so you wont see them pop up if so.

Then you have your answer and you cut off contact. I agree with pp who advise to send him a message clearly explaining what you are doing and why so he's not left in distress with uncertainty. You've already been clear with him and set boundaries already that he's ignored and these are now the consequences to that behaviour. Creating a folder where his messages can go is a good idea.

You are encouraging him by responding to his messages. Ignore all attempts to get you to reply. Ignore stories about what he said to other friends. You've had good advice here about what to say to him. Stop engaging with him

You send him one more message warning him that he is no longer to contact you because you have enough to deal with. Then block him from being able to contact you on all channels.

If he refuses to accept this and reaches out to you then get the police involved. Do not worry about being unkind or not nice to him as you could well end up with him stalking you.

You've let this go on for too long Op because you're giving NT answers to someone with ASD and that doesn't work, you're being too subtle, or hinting, you give him good advice but that's not what he looking for from you. You're going to have to speak plainly and say you have a partner and your own problems and you don't have time or inclination to solve his too because he's not taking onboard that you aren't responsible for him.
I expect his parents used to help, now they're elderly he's looking for someone to take their place but you need to be straight with him that you are not that person

Does the letter G mean anything.

It sounds familiar.

I had to read this twice to make sure it isn’t my ex friend.
Block him or he will drag you down and make you dread hearing your phone.
It’s a shame for him but you’re not his counsellor.
Block him and don’t look back.

@Lavender14 your posts are amazingly good.

Its clear the OP has had enough and more than enough, but for someone dealing with a similar situation the advice in your posts couldn't be bettered.