He won’t leave me alone

[natel]

There is a guy I know. He is more of an acquaintance. He has Asperger’s Syndrome. I was a good ear in a bad time of his life but now he just messages everyday complaining about the problems in his life. Many times myself and others have told him the solutions but he refuses to sort the problems.

I think he secretly enjoys being a victim as it means he gets to tell people his story and he has contact with someone. He puts people down who read his messages and take days to reply. On Saturday I messaged and said me and my partner are out all day on Sunday as he gets paranoid if you don’t reply within hours.

On the day out he is messaging negative things about his problems. I didn’t respond until I got back. I find it selfish he has tried to ruin my day out. Then I left it for hours to reply. He starts being funny saying is there something wrong and I haven’t been in touch!

He said he will message tomorrow which is today. I am tired of it all now. He doesn’t work and moans about trivial things which can be easily sorted. The other day it was about a bad experience in a shop, then it’s his parents, his sister, neighbours or women he is trying to date. It’s always negative. Because he doesn’t work he has too much time on his hands.

I have signposted him to external agencies before and sent links and phone numbers because some of these issues are out of my depth. He refuses to ring the domestic abuse line about his parents who domestically abuse as he lives with them - I said ring away from the house. I said but you need to talk to someone about it. I don’t want to get involved and who am I to access or not recognise a trait if he is in danger. He has his own house but is being ‘bullied’ by neighbours. I have been there and there has been no noise that he always complains of.

I think his main problem is loneliness. He says he wants to meet a woman like me. He needs to realise I am not that woman. He said most women don’t listen or reciprocate. My partner worked with him 20 years ago and said he was the same at work constantly asking people
to show him a process again and then when they got fed up after multiple times and they told him he reported them for bullying. My partner says I have too much patience and don’t know how I do it as others tried and failed.

I work full time and have a partner who has health issues and I do a lot of driving. I also have to support my brother with his mental health. I am at breaking point and can’t take on another person’s problems.

Reply I’m in a similar position but it’s my ex. I know I need to block him, I can’t be his emotional support anymore. He only contacts me when he wants something and expects reply straight away, I tried to explain, how emotional draining it is and one sided friendship this now is. Like you, I’ve tried to help, point him in right direction but he’s just not interested as too much hard work.

I think your only option is too block (and me too), I know you don’t want to be cruel but they don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain many times, that I’m busy etc but he comes back like nothing is wrong.

I wish you luck

He has stalker vibes. 2 days ago I just put a like on a message and that’s it and I was not going to respond to any further messages. He then straight away sends massive paragraphs of stuff. I previewed it but didn’t click on the message. He then deleted it the next morning because I hadn’t read it. He then does the same last night sent long messages about rubbish I don’t need to know.

I have messaged today saying I am staying off social media I am burnt out and need to put myself and health first. He replies straight away saying he cares about me and tried to gaslight and blame my long distance driving for it. You can tell he wants to keep the messages going. My partner says stop bothering everyone at work tried years ago and it didn’t work.

I have tried to be reasonable multiple times and he is not being respectful. I will have to block now as the obsessiveness it stressing me out.

This sounds really stressful. I wouldn't block him just yet as he might try another message that is more intrusive, like turning up. I think mute his messages so you don't get notifications and increase the time between responding to try to wean him off you. If he gets abusive then block though.

This is why men don’t talk about their mental health

Trouble is he doesn't have a MH problem, he's ND and isn't taking No for an answer because he's deceided @natel is the answer to his problems. Op isn't family, ex GF, close friend, she's an acquaintance with a DP, job and her own stresses. Just because he thinks she's the person who should sort his life doesn't mean he's right. I'm afraid Op that you either need to block him or woman up and tell him you don't want to hear from him again. If he was anyone else you've have cut him off long ago

No, it isn't. There's a difference between openess about these issues and draining the life out of someone by using them as your trauma-dumping ground. The phrase 'emotional vampirism' now appears in the psychological lexicon with good reason.

Women are not unpaid counsellors for any man who decides to make them somehow 'responsible' for their mental health. We are not.

That's what therapists are paid to do.

I feel sorry for him but he needs a professional carer as he clearly doesnt understand how his autism affects his behaviour and ability to relate to others. This isnt your fault.

Honestly, I would kindly tell him that you are too busy to be the friend he needs and that you will be stopping contact to focus on your family.

Sounds like others will understand your choice. Imo its important to be honest and direct here, as uncomfortable it may be. He isnt being a nuisance on purpose, he just doesnt understand, and being direct is the kindest way to let him down.

He may feel bullied, probably because he has been throughout his life, but by being honest, you are definitely not being a bully or unkind in any way.

Best to you xx

Many with ASD are very self oriented they don't see others perspective so you have to be direct...Nigel I will not be able to respond to you until Tuesday after 7pm.....then he will expect you to call at 7pm.
The level of Anxiety can become overwhelming even if it's stuff others wouldn't consider .... obviously depending on individuals....so often it's reassurance and thoughts on how others might be seeing stuff.
Be clear and firm....unless you do want to be another who dumps him.

Many don't have access to the professional support you recommend ....it's so easy to say oh get professional help but it's hard to find often expensive unless your lucky enough to have a SW assessment to give you an hour a week....and not enough.

I agree that its hard to get, just think thats what he needs and its a role the op cant fulfill

Having read your update @natel , calling him stalker vibes and blocking him, i now think you sound unkind tbh - you know he has a disability, theres no need to be horrible about him.

If you are at the point of blocking that’s a reasonable action. As someone with old style diagnosis of Asperger’s myself I’d say he would benefit from a blunt clear explanation message from you of why you are blocking him and point out you had told him multiple times previously the messages were burning you out. Sounds like he uses his diagnosis as an excuse to be how he is not as a reason he struggles to comprehend subtle communications

STOP MESSAGING WITH HIM.

If you continue to behave the way you always have, you will continue to get the unwelcome results you've always had.

Doing more of the same means receiving more of the same.

So Just. Stop.

Don't read messages.

Don't answer them.

Don't 'like' or comment on posts.

Don't share anything about your life.

Don't try to help or offer opinion or advice - you have SEEN this is pointless.

Don't get involved.

You're (I expect) not a mental health professional, support animal, social service, helpline, or anything else he's using you as.

And he IS using you.

Whether his neurodivergence means he can't function as you would like him to, or his personality means he won't - he's not going to change.

So change yourself.

@AgentPidge is spot on. When he worked with your DH and people stopped showing him how to do the same thing over and over did he then lose his job because he couldn’t do it without their constant input? I’m guessing he didn’t and that how he treats people has nothing to do with ND. As you say he is lonely and probably bored too and doing what he does for attention. There are NT people who behave the same way and will not listen when they are told that it’s exactly that behaviour that is causing them to be lonely

I don’t understand why you haven’t blocked him.

Irrelevant. The onus isn't on OP to provide that support. The problem with female socialisation is the expected caring role that too many people believe we are morally obligated to fulfil. Of course this comes entirely at the expense of our own time, our own emotional energy, and our own mental labour. It's also striking how many people are quite willing to demand such sacrifices of women in the interests of humouring men who are very well-versed in exploiting it.

Neurodiversity isn't the issue here. It's the fundamental lack of respect for boundaries. Even (perhaps especially) therapeutic intervention simply cannot work without these.

This isn't women's social or moral duty, and it isn't inevitable. What is clear is that people - too-often other women - are quick to volunteer women's time and labour to those who demand it as theirs by right.

Entertain it and you end up in the position OP is now in.

Not necessarily.

Yes it's horrible how it came about but some people still use the term, as a form of reclaiming the term. It's a personal choice.

It is also still used in the medical practice at times.

Your empathy is high and your boundaries are too soft. Go onto Chat GPT and get some information on boundaries with someone who exhibits these patterns of behaviour.

He won’t change the dynamic it suits him, so you must.

I was a beacon for people like this for a long time but I have worked on myself a lot and changed how I engage with them. I don’t validate nearly as much, I don’t listen as much, I don’t engage in deep conversations with them, I keep things superficial, I change the subject when they start the venting, I don’t offer solutions just hmm and ‘that sounds hard’.

I have noticed the relationships can disappear once you are not meeting their needs to their satisfaction but honestly that can’t be a bad thing given the current state of engagement.

I am ND myself and I have a few friends who are autistic. Autism is a massive spectrum as you know and some of my ND friends have buckets of empathy and are very careful to be respectful and not cross boundaries, and others just have no empathy at all, don't understand boundaries or social cues and are very selfish in that they only ever want to talk about themselves and their problems. I have had to cut contact with friends like this in the past to protect my own mental health. I would advise you do the same with this friend. You have already told him ample times that his behaviour is exhausting and draining yet he refuses to acknowledge the problem or change in any way. In that case you are perfectly justified to cut contact.

Why did you respond to him by liking something he said? Nearly every poster has said, including me, to stop engaging with him but you keep right on going. You don't have to take our advice but then stop asking us for it. It sounds like you enjoy the drama.

I had one of these. Smashed down every boundary. I had to go no contact.

Did I say it was her job as a woman? Why turn it into a sexism issue.
Getting proffession help as you flippently throw out isn't easy that needs looking at....maybe cutting childcare payments and upping welfare support....lol.....
It is a natural human instinct for some to choose to support friends and others to ditch when they no longer get what they want who you choose to be isn't dictated by what's between your legs some people are just kinder than others.

You misunderstand me.

I was being kind to the OP. A woman. Isn't that novelty?

I've said nothing about professional help. Only that in the absence of that, it isn't a random woman's responsibility to fill that gap.

Sorry but you’ve done yourself no favours AT ALL. He goes on and on but you still think to message him telling him you won’t be able to message him (he then takes this as the green light to continue his long dialogues- just the fact you’ve messaged in the first place)….just don’t message him. Don’t respond. You KNOW the way it goes every time and you still engage with him even though you know 100% that he sees any contact as the go-ahead for more contact. You can predict the full cycle.
Let him crack on with all this nagging and moaning at a dude. You know he won’t. And yet you choose to put yourself forward as the woman he will insist on forcing this ‘relationship’ with. I’m astounded you’ve engaged with this for so long.

No it isn't.

This is about a ND person who won't stop harassing the OP.

That’s what I would do.