Are All Men Lousy Sexual Partners?

[TooOld4theBS]

I’m 64. Between my marriage and my current relationship, I’ve been intimate with 5 mental of them, including my ex-husband, we’re not good in bed, AT ALL! My current partner is the ABSOLUTE WORST! I am sooooo turned off that, whatever brings the relationship to a close, I will NEVER get involved in another.

Has it just been my bad luck or are most men just terrible at intimacy?

That’s quite a sweeping generalisation. Some are excellent in bed, but less so outside the bedroom. I’d ditch the current one if he’s not floating your boat. Life is too short for dreadful sex.

Well, in the words of the fabulous Samantha in Sex and the City: Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.

They’re mostly teachable, no?

Goodness no, I’ve had some amazing lovers!
Sometimes unexpectedly as well, you can never tell until you get intimate.
Id focus on you and sexual pleasures and desires and never settle for anyone who doesn’t worship you and your body!

Bad luck. Could you not train them?? Easier when relationships are young and you’re experimenting, finding out - I think it’s tougher if it’s been years, to suddenly turn round and say ‘actually that never did anything for me’

did any of them know what you liked in bed - or did you just assume they would

Just your bad luck I am afraid. I have had some amazing lovers with my current man being right up at the top of these. I have also had some terrible sex. You have either picked people that you are not sexually compatible with, have not communicated your needs effectively or they are a lost cause. This current man is not for you.

I don’t understand why people stay in relationships where the sex is bad from day 1 and doesn’t improve. Just seems miserable to me.

DH is excellent. I met him when I was 18, he was 21. Had about 5 guys before him who were all terrible, was beginning to think I might be gay as I was not enjoying it at all. Then slept with DH and knew he was a keeper. Been married 40 years and still get thrilled by his work.

In the early days sex if often okay, but soon dies off and then you get stuck in something you can’t get out of easily, especially later in life

I'd say selfish lovers are unfortunately common, and most are just fine but they can be trained. I've only ever been with one person who was just bad. Like skin crawlingly bad, I want to turn myself inside out now just thinking about it and it was fucking years ago. Such a shock too as he was so handsome and charismatic and oozed sex appeal. Ah well.

But yeah 5/5 being bad is just shit luck!

No. There was the occasional hopeless one, but mostly they've been pretty good, with a few outstanding - and I'm currently with the best one.

If you'd like to be having better sex, it will be out there somewhere, if you can be bothered to put the effort in to find it. Sometimes they're great in bed but not so great in other ways though.

When you say ok I assume you mean good? But how can a man be a good lover at the start then suddenly regress?! And why is it harder to leave a relationship with bad sex later in life (assuming it’s early days etc)

What does "not good in bed" actually mean? It's a micron thick description of massive subject.

I've had some terrible lovers, some decent ones, and then there's DH who absolutely blows my mind. Together over a decade, two kids, and we're still at it twice a day (occasionally more if we really push the boat out), because frankly he's incredible.

Life is far too short for bad sex and selfish lovers.

I think you've had bad luck. I've had some incredible lovers. Most are good enough, and a few are really terrible.

Sex became far more enjoyable once I found the confidence to ask for what I wanted and how I liked it done. I like it when my partner does the same. Are you able to communicate what you like comfortably?

Tell, show, do! Communicate letting them know what your needs are. I’ve had many more lovers (l’m old school in my terminology!) than you OP and had some lovely times. If they won’t listen, then move on. But some can and will respond.. lf they won’t then it’s time to do that thing.

But why marry someone when the sex is not good?

Many are awful but some are amazing. My current partner started off promising and has taken the time to really learn my body and what I enjoy and now it's phenomenal. So much so that if I'm tired or not really in the mood, I know it will be amazing so I respond positively to the suggestion of sex when another partner it would've been definitely no. So not being selfish definitely pays off.

Some of you sound like very lucky ladies !
I married young ( my first ) it was ok , but just ok .
That marriage failed and then met someone else ( second ) we also married .
So only slept with 2 and can't ever say it's been amazing and if being honest they both have probably put their needs first .

I don't understand why so many men don't see the correlation between them being selfish lovers and their partners going off sex. It seems pretty obvious.

No, of course not all of them.
However, vast majority of them are not worth bothering about.

Nah, my Dh is pretty attentive and never gives up until I’m happy Now we don’t have enough sex definitely but always makes 100% effort when we do.

What does he do that’s so good?

Just curious. I’ve not had that many sexual partners so my own experience is probably fairly limited.

So I’m not very clued up on skill, or moves. I’ve heard of men having good “skills” in the bedroom but not sure what that would entail, especially as women are all so different.

In my (admittedly limited) experience I think it all comes down to enthusiasm. If they are keen and eager to please that seems to be half the battle. I’ve heard of these men who are “lazy” and put no effort in etc, but have been lucky enough not to encounter them in real life.

Op, if this is the case, just ditch him. Instant turn off.

Indeed, and it's also not a magic talent that comes out of nowhere - it's a skill that, like anything, can be learned and taught.

In my experience "bad in bed" means one of three things - the man is clueless, the man is selfish, or there's just no chemistry (or a combination of the three). Lack of chemistry can't be fixed - it's when you're both doing all the right things but it just feels overridingly awkward. (In my experience this is often mutual and those men tend to become great platonic friends.) Selfish can't be fixed either because getting better in bed needs willingness above all.

Clueless is a spectrum and most humans will be on it to some degree. No one magically intuits everything that turns their partner on and the onus is on all of us to communicate it, if we want a good sex life. It can be as simple as directing him to do that, not that, stay there, or as complex as revealing our inner fantasies to him. I don't believe anyone can actually have a great sex life without telling their partner what they want. I also assume any man who's fairly good in bed straight away as had previous partners who were good communicators.

There is of course an extreme end of clueless which might be fixable with a lot of work but no one should feel obliged to put in that work!

Of course not!

I do think it's highly personalised though, especially for women, so what works for one woman won't necessarily work for another. And again, especially for women, the dynamic between you matters.

Agree it means selfish, clueless, no chemistry. Plus add in lazy and fetish/porn obsessed. I’d have no desire to ‘fix’ a man so I’d just leave. Marrying in the hope of improvement is a risky strategy.