Are All Men Lousy Sexual Partners?

[TooOld4theBS]

I’m 64. Between my marriage and my current relationship, I’ve been intimate with 5 mental of them, including my ex-husband, we’re not good in bed, AT ALL! My current partner is the ABSOLUTE WORST! I am sooooo turned off that, whatever brings the relationship to a close, I will NEVER get involved in another.

Has it just been my bad luck or are most men just terrible at intimacy?

I think in general, selfish men are bad in bed. There are a few that actually want you to enjoy it and who take an active interest in how to suit you.

IME, once they've got PIV though, they forget about the woman and how it feels for her. I've changed position before, saying, 'This feels good for me.' and have been told 'No, THIS feels good.' as they change position again. I mean, I know it's a mutual thing, but it should be a bit of both.

The best one I had, my most recent partner, was actively interested in how to make me feel good, but STILL seemed to forget what I'd told him (on repeat) about how to touch (gently) and maintain rhythm etc. He definitely wasn't a porn fan, but had an idea in his head about what was good for women and despite my quite specific instructions (because we're all different) defaulted to his own idea.

I think when we're younger (womens bodies change internally as we age) it's easier to make allowances and compromise and still enjoy it and get off on it, even if it's not exactly what we'd prefer. But getting older, men definitely need to be more sensitive to woman's needs. Because for me these days, the alternative to not getting it how I like it, is to prefer no sex at all.

It means on a scale of 0-10 of sexual pleasure barometer, where 10 means a mind blowing orgasm, “ not good in bed” stays in 0-3 category. The main issues are selfishness and lack of knowledge( porn doesn’t count).

Only been with one man and we've been married for 40 years. The sex is still amazing and we still find new ideas to try. Communication us the key! Tell them what pleases you. Ask what they enjoy and explore together. If you don't tell them they won't know!

Lazy is just a subset of selfish to me.

Fetishes are just about compatibility. Nothing wrong with having them, nothing wrong with not having them, ideally people who have the same fetishes find each other.

This!! My current partner is exceptional - he's taken the time to really learn my body and what turns me on. He's genuinely the most selfless lover I've had. Even when I'm not initially in the mood, he can get me there in minutes. It makes all the difference when someone knows how to turn you on properly - you never want to say no

You've been very unlucky I think. I haven't had loads of partners but all of them have been very committed to ensuring female pleasure. If I had sex with someone and didn't have an orgasm I seriously wouldn't bother with them again.

I'm old now though (50s) and been with husband for 30 years so no idea what the "market" is like for young folk these days. Perhaps porn obsession has ruined a lot of men who think women should instantly orgasm from a single thrust with no foreplay or being choked. Yuck.

Gawd no. There are some truly amazing guys out there. Of course they may not be right for you in other ways, or vice versa.

I remember my most amazing lover - God he blew my mind - and I asked him something quite offhand about orgasm and I do remember that he gave me a detailed stage by stage breakdown of how my orgasm looked. He’d paid a LOT of attention. A man who really, really likes sex will do that kind of thing. He was an oral specialist. He told me that he and his first girlfriend had never actually managed to have penetrative sex, but they’d spent months on oral. By gum it showed. He was a bit of a porn hound unfortunately but in his case he was great anyway.

Then there was the guy who was an awful kisser - terrible - and then absolutely incredible once we were actually having sex. That was a surprise, I’d always thought the two went together.

Then dp - oh man. Different because it was romantic and intimate as well. But again he just loves sex, adores it. He is a one-woman man. I’m not going to say he has never looked at porn but he just isn’t very interested provided he’s having sex, he delights in my real body.

All this was based on having done some work on myself though - working out what actually matters for me sexually and then doing it.

Only the ones i fall for !

I’m certainly not going to go into detail on here about that! Suffice to say he’s enthusiastic and puts my needs first.

Fair enough.

But it sounds like a lot of it is as I suspected - enthusiasm goes a long way. Which I suspect, OP, may be the problem with your partner.

It's an interesting one, because I'd say I've only ever had one partner who was bad in bed... and from reading Mumsnet threads about sex and sexual behaviour, I'm pretty sure plenty of women would think he was actually good in bed. He wasn't selfish and he wasn't clueless. But I still didn't get much out of sex with him.

Whereas easily the best sex I've had was with men who, again based on threads I've read on here, would have some women running from the bedroom.

This is why I think it's really important to know what you want/like, not just in terms of what you actually like physically but in terms of the kind of sex you like and how you like your partners to be/behave in bed generally and the whole dynamic between you. And you need to be able to articulate that.

I do think compatibility is a big thing. I also think some women definitely assume that 'good sex' for a man just means the man gets to come, and that he should just be grateful to be having sex at all, but I don't think that's the case. When I was much younger, I dated a very lovely man for a while with whom I was very, very sexually compatible, and he admitted that of the ten or so women he'd slept with, he would only have described three of them (including me!) as being really good in bed.

You’re right about lazy being a subset of selfish.

fetishes though… probably are too. Most women don’t get anything out of them, and sex can be all about the man getting off to his fetish.

Loads of women have kinks and fetishes. They just tend not to talk about them anywhere they know they'll be judged for them, such as Mumsnet. You only get to hear about stuff like that on Mumsnet when it's a problem, so all you see is 'Man has kink and it poses a problem for a woman', rather than 'Couple are both a bit kinky together'. The latter is pretty common, but as it's not a problem it's not getting shared.

Fetishes are slightly different to kinks?

And there’s a big difference between a couple enjoying a dom/sub dynamic (for example) together. To a man with a fetish about wearing women’s underwear or having sex in jelly or whatever and his partner going along with it to keep him, despite getting zero enjoyment from it herself

Nope my DH is amazing in bed... It's why I married him! (although I guess he does have other good points too😉)

My current partner is the ABSOLUTE WORST!

Well just end it then?! Why stay with someone who you don't want to have sex with?!

You have been very unlucky.

How do you communicate that the experience was below par and you'd expect it to be better if it's to continue?

My husband was dreadful from the get go. I don’t know why I put up with it but he was a lovely person and else got on brilliantly. It got worse and worse and he had ED which he wouldn’t seek help with. I think he had deep seated issues around intimacy and he just wasn’t interested in sex or trying to improve it. I been with 2 men since then and it has been a total eye opener. I would never ever stay in a relationship with bad sex again.

That is an appalling sweeping generalisation, OP. Are you sure it is actually you not being able to turn them on properly?

Heartily agree with this! And they don’t realise that a few simple gestures outside of the bedroom would make such a huge amount of difference too! So many men don’t even bother to touch their long term partners unless they want to have sex.

I think many women who declare they don’t want any more sex post menopause is not bc of hormones, but bc the sex is truly terrible.

Lots of men are not socialised to put the needs of others before their own, full stop, in bed and elsewhere.

And even the men who are prepared to put in the effort have believed male rhetoric, and every depiction in films and pornograhy, about female pleasure. So they don’t understand fundamentals such as many women find it hard to have a piv orgasm, that women tend not to go from arousal to orgasm in under three minutes and women don’t always love being jack hammered to death.

These are very basic failings of understanding. It’s not all men by any means but far too many in this day and age when information is readily available.

The men I've slept with have all been much of a muchness in their skill level. All too rough but all teachable.

The difference between good and bad sex is chemistry and how much I fancy them. An amazing orgasm does not mean good sex in my opinion.

No I’ve had some great sex with great men.. the only complaint is that none of them have lasted longer than 5 mins when it comes to the sex part. They say it’s a compliment but I wish it was longer as that’s the bit I love most.

I think you’ve either been shockingly unlucky (I’ve had some amazing lovers) or you’re being altogether too passive in the proceedings - people all have different preferences and no one is a mind reader. Has you spoken to him about it?

Although I don't think it comes down to orgasm. My best lover was my recent ex, everything he did was a huge turn on from the way he kissed to how he moved, how he held me, how he communicated, how he enjoyed himself and enjoyed and appreciated me. It was mind blowing but it had nothing to do with whether I orgasmed or not. But I get your drift.

Surely good sex isn't just down to the man. Women can be shit in bed too.

Good sex is about communication. Not everyone likes the same thing, at the same speed etc etc.

Things I did to my ex that drove him wild, my DH wasn't as crazy about. The assumption can be that well the ex liked it so I will just do that to you. And that worked both ways. We had to learn from each other what it was that we both liked. Show them how you want to be touched, how long for, how gently (or not) you want to be touched.

Everyone is teachable to give and receive pleasure. Sometimes though, even with teaching, the connection somehow just still doesn't work.

Maybe you have just been unlucky.

Whats bad exactly? How have you managed to have this issue with ALL 5 men? Secondly why did you commit knowing the sex wasn't enjoyable for you? Its very unusual OP.