Am I victim of abuse or is it all in my head?

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I have namechanged as my dp reads this and I am ashamed.

My dp has a reputation as one of the nicest men you will meet, everyone I know thinks I am lucky to have him and I am always being told this. He has taken on my child and dotes on her and works very hard to support our family. We have been together about 5 years.

Over the past year or so I have found that his temper is getting worse, he is controlling, suspicious and I feel like I am constantly talking on egg shells. I have tried to talk to dp about this and he gets angry and starts shouting and saying that if he is such a bad man he should leave and that it is all in my head and because I have encountered violence and aggression in my past I expect it now.

It is really hard to put my finger on what it is that is happening but I know that I have gone from being very confident to having zero confidence and that I am always having to apologise for myself and take the blame for everything. I live in fear of making him angry and know that i will walk around the house looking at the floor unable to look him in the eye worrying about getting in his way. This makes dp furious and he does over the top impersonations of me. This just makes me more nervous and it becomes a viscious circle.

If we have a row it has to be my fault and he has never every admitted to making a mistake. he tells me constantly how hard I am to live with and how much he has to put up with and yet he is also a very loving man and I know that he does a lot for me.

Every now and again he will explode and say that I treat him like a servant and that I never do anything for him and yet whenever I offer to do anything for him he says it doesn't matter and he needs nothing.

Yesterday I cooked a meal for my mum and me and afterwards I went in the kitchen to tidy up, he told me to go and sit down as I had cooked so he would tidy up. I tried to do it as I knew he would shout at me later but he insisted I sat down. Sure enough this morning he was shouting at me because he had tidied up after me.

He constantly criticises and belittles me usually over daft things so I feel petty bringing it up. For example earlier we were doing some homework with dd that involved making footprints. DD was behind me and I thought dp had washed her feet so I called her to me, so she got some paint on the carpet. He came in and went mad at me, I apologised and he just started shouting and saying, how many mistakes is that today then and it is a good job I have nothing better than to clean up after you.

Everyone I know tells me that I am lucky to have dp and that he has to put up with a lot because of my career. There are times when I have to put in absurd hours and dp has to hold the fort at home or at time hold the fort at home and act as an unpaid assistant to me.

I do firmly believe that people can only treat you how you let them, if dp is destroying my self esteem and soul he is doing it with my permission.

I have withdrawn that permission and he knows that things will change or I will walk.

As I'm sure you know, "everyone" else only sees the charming public side of your DP, and putting up with your career does not entitle him to treat you badly.

No-one wants to see themselves as "abused" any more than they want to think that the person who is supposed to love them is their abuser, but it happens and awareness and acknowledgement of it is the first step to protecting yourself.

Stay strong. Many of us have been there. Email me if you need/want to and keep posting. X

I am really sorry to hear this but will add my opinion to others - I've seen this before too 1) it's always your fault, never his; 2) you can't predict how he will behave; 3) suspicion of your friends; 4) running you down to point of no confidence.

Doesn't matter that he is lovely dad to DD - that's good in itself - but he has to change how he behaves towards you.

Maybe you can suggest counselling for both of you? It would be good for him to hear things from an impartial third party.

Also - the nice face to everyone else? Standard.

I think a lot of people don't know what happens behind closed doors. I used to be told what a wonderful father I had and wasnt I lucky.

The man beat my mum and me. My mum used me as a human shield so he wouldn't throw her down the stairs. He told all his children they were worthless and unwantable... It goes on. It is the way he is.

My mum is beginning finally to realise how unacceptable his behaviour is, but she is now even more vulnerable than ever and unlikely to leave.

a small observation:
this man is rich
he is supposedly so concerned about his partner...
Yet:
why is he cleaning up after you? Can you not afford a cleaner and/or housekeeper?
Can he not afford for you to have treatment/therapy/a break at a health spa?
Has he suggested these?

He has said "look, I have to clear up after you you are so ueless, oh you are so useless"

"clumsy and forgetful"...! OMG the first thing I thought of was the play "Gaslight" (film version with Ingrid Bergman) where the husband tries to convince the wife she is mad so he can lock her up and take her cash. The stuff the husband says in that play is SO like your husband (I thought of this play as I was in it once so know it by heart!)

He sounds like a total controlling horrible horrible person who does NOT want to help you, he wants to reduce you to a quivering wreck who can bearly blink without his permission.

That is how it comes across from these posts.

How does he treat DD? She will think what he does is normal, only you, from an adult perspective have picked up that something is not quite "right". And he is not all right, how did he make all that cash? Not by being kind, loving and considerate I would guess.

Do not stay because a friend thinks his money is the main thing. you feel terrible, what use is money to you here?

Not that it makes a difference but he is not rich, far from it. I actually earn more than him so would be rather datf to stay with him for money. He is the most unmaterialistic man you could probably meet.

We will go for counselling together.

Pretending, I think the work you do for your family is probably worthwhile and necessary. You shouldn't believe your friends who tell you that nobody else would put up with your working hours. Plenty of women put up with men who work those kind of hours - don't think you are of less value simply because you are a woman with irregular hours. You are a woman who is supporting her family, and are therefore important to them, to society and to the economy. You should ask your friends to refrain from such unhelpful comments, imho.

The thing is that everyone I know thinks I am lucky that dp puts up with me and that he does too much for me even my Mum and sister who have reservations about me.

You are a nervous wreck because of the way he is treating you - you are being conditioned by the twat to feel a certain way so he can then have a go at you for feeling that way - it is classic.

He has all the problems honey not you and I would seriously ship out or pack his bags and change the locks.

Does he tell you that no one would ever want you, does he tell you how lucky you are to have him, does he check who you speak to and for how long and want to know what you are talking about - above all do your friends and family think he is great but he acts differently behind closed doors - he knows what he is doing - he is slowly chipping away at your very beeing so you are like a little lab rat who feels so shit about themsleves that he has you forever and he has you controlled and programmed to act in a way that means you comform to his ideal woman - one he can bully, manipulate and control.