Am I victim of abuse or is it all in my head?

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I have namechanged as my dp reads this and I am ashamed.

My dp has a reputation as one of the nicest men you will meet, everyone I know thinks I am lucky to have him and I am always being told this. He has taken on my child and dotes on her and works very hard to support our family. We have been together about 5 years.

Over the past year or so I have found that his temper is getting worse, he is controlling, suspicious and I feel like I am constantly talking on egg shells. I have tried to talk to dp about this and he gets angry and starts shouting and saying that if he is such a bad man he should leave and that it is all in my head and because I have encountered violence and aggression in my past I expect it now.

It is really hard to put my finger on what it is that is happening but I know that I have gone from being very confident to having zero confidence and that I am always having to apologise for myself and take the blame for everything. I live in fear of making him angry and know that i will walk around the house looking at the floor unable to look him in the eye worrying about getting in his way. This makes dp furious and he does over the top impersonations of me. This just makes me more nervous and it becomes a viscious circle.

If we have a row it has to be my fault and he has never every admitted to making a mistake. he tells me constantly how hard I am to live with and how much he has to put up with and yet he is also a very loving man and I know that he does a lot for me.

Every now and again he will explode and say that I treat him like a servant and that I never do anything for him and yet whenever I offer to do anything for him he says it doesn't matter and he needs nothing.

Yesterday I cooked a meal for my mum and me and afterwards I went in the kitchen to tidy up, he told me to go and sit down as I had cooked so he would tidy up. I tried to do it as I knew he would shout at me later but he insisted I sat down. Sure enough this morning he was shouting at me because he had tidied up after me.

He constantly criticises and belittles me usually over daft things so I feel petty bringing it up. For example earlier we were doing some homework with dd that involved making footprints. DD was behind me and I thought dp had washed her feet so I called her to me, so she got some paint on the carpet. He came in and went mad at me, I apologised and he just started shouting and saying, how many mistakes is that today then and it is a good job I have nothing better than to clean up after you.

your partner is right - we are a bunch of strangers and we dont knwo you or your partner. we can only give our opinions based on our own views and experience

Could you email me at [email protected]? Would rather not post the direct link here. X

Would he have been shouting at you and making OTT impersonations of you in the first 3- 4 months of your relationship?

Does he do these things to anyone else?

Does anyone else make you feel like this?

He did not do these things although he was possessive. I can remember a friend saying to me that he was controlling and I pushed it away.

He does not do this to anyone else but does get very angry when driving. I find it very difficult to sit in the car with him.

Noone else makes me feel like this.

I will email you peedoffandpg but my email will give away my mumsnet identity, could you please keep that to yourself. I am sure you will do anyway.

Of course X

Its not sounding good to me
Why does he want to live with you if you are so hard to live with?
And hes belittling you and cricising because ????

Have emailed you.

charliecat I would imagine I am hard to live with, I frustrate myself. I am forgetful and clumsy. He has to do a lot for me and he does get tired.

He says he wants to live with me because he loves me and he loves dd. He has said however that if I think this about him we should just slip up as he does not want me blackening his charactar.

I need to go to bed am at work in five hours. Not looking forward to it as he will blank me.

Thankyou

You know, someone else would find your clumsyness and forgetfuness endearing, its part of you.
Im sure you are lovely.
If he is belittling you then hes chipping away at you.
Its not right.

Sent you link - let me know if you dont get it. X

Emotional abusers like this man are often perfectly plausible to those in the outside world. It is only when they are behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Let's look at what he does shall we:-
he blanks you
does OTT impersonations of you
you feel like you're walking on eggshells
you feel like you have to apologise all the time
blames everyone else but himself for his issues
belittles you constantly
criticises you over trivial matters

His behaviour will damage both you and your daughter immeasurably if you stay long term in such a damaging relationship. Your daughter is picking up on all this and is learning from both of you.

Infact he has you where he wants you really; trapped in a cage of his own making. He is your carer and as such uses your own illness against you. As for your daughter, well he does not give a stuff about her either if he treats her mummy in such a manner. You cannot and should not use either your illness or your daughter as an excuse for staying. You enable him by staying because by staying you condone his behaviour.

I would also ask you what your man's (I hesitate to use the word partner here because he is clearly being abusive) parents' relationship was like because he has undoubtedly learnt a lot about relationships from his own parents.

Another poster recommended you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I would also suggest you read it - it will open your eyes.

I leave you as well with this sobering thought. Such men rarely if ever change. My friend's husband has not (he feels he has done nothing wrong and its all her fault) and their daughter is now 4. Her daughter is becoming affected by the emotional abuse shown to her mummy.

What would you ssay to a friend who was telling you all this?

Abuse is all about having and or wanting power and control over the other person. Controlling behaviours often come about as a result of anxiety though that is no excuse for controlling abusive behaviours.

I reckon as well he met you when you were feeling very vulnerable and has honed in on this. He is likely to be charm personified. These men often seek out seemingly self confident women to exploit and use for their own ends. He has you exactly where he wants you now; isolated and dependent on him. If you are so hard to live with as he puts it why is he still with you?. It suits him actually to be with you because by his belittling you over the past five years you are now fully aquiescent, downtrodden and afraid to leave him (just like my friend infact).

Your unmarried status also works in his favour; he has power and control there too as you have few rights in the event of separation. He doesn't love you or your daughter at all; he has a very warped view.

ATM is absolutely right: this man is feeding his ego by having you around as th equivalent of a dog to kick. He gets to show off to the world what a /caring' man he is, yet he gets to bully, control and frighten you to make himself feel big and strong.
Get some legal advice, then some counselling, and get away from the shitbag. You can do it.

My EH was like this. I put up with it for 26 years. You lower and lower the belt of the norms of acceptable behaviour until you can no longer see where they should be. But somewhere inside you know its wrong. I am not going to say toughen up, as you seem scared of his wrath and he has cleverly given you reasons to feel obliged to put up with this. Mine did that too. you can't even tell where it came from and how it happens. It won't get better unless you change. If he is not violent physically (mine was not but didn't have to be, I was scared of confrontations because he literally wore me down) then you must lift your head up and start to lay down boundaries. There should be not controlling feelings for a happy relationship. No 'putting you down and making you feel worthless'. You are not. Me and my ex split up and I can tell you I thought I was the survivor of an air crash... I couldn't believe I did it. I have never been happier as I couldn't make the boundaries and keep to them. I just saw the only way for me to be happy was to finish it. It was hard, but 5 years down the line... I am not 51... I have got my life back and that energy sucking, weight on my shoulders, feeling has gone. I have my dignity back and my self esteem is high. I had to work on myself but I did it. No one should be unhappy because of their partner. His suitaces and mental baggage should not be offloaded onto you, and thats what he has clevery done. Talk, lay down the rules. And stick to them. You ARE worth it.

Please listen to advice i have prosecuted lots of domestic violence cases.

I will go off and read that link peedoffandpg.

I don;t know what I am doing and am not feeling able to make a decision at the moment.

I am making more of an effort to stand up for myself and say to him,
"you can't treat me like this"

I really do believe that if this is abuse, and I am not sure I have allowed it to happen and therefore I need to change and toughen up. If that does not work we will have to fo our seperate ways

He sounds a lot like my exp. I also used to think I was 'hard to live with'.

Specially the wonderful manners in front of other people and then treating you like crap when they have left, making you take the blame for everything.

I too was at the zero confidence mark when I finally realised what a rubbish man he was. I left and it took me years to get my confidence back or be trusting enough to have a proper relationship again.

You must leave him. don't say 'I need to change and toughen up'. YOU have no need to change! If he has treated you like this then he has no respect for you.

It always seems more complicated or harder to leave when its your own relationship that is not right. I got through it by keep telling myself that people split up all the time, its just that today its me. Yes its hard yes its sometimes easier to stay put, but you deserve better.

I've recently spoken to Womens Aid about my father's behaviour. I'm in my 40s and think I should be over it by now. They are fantastic. There is a good link to a diagram called the DULITH WHEEL, which shows the kind of behaviour that is unacceptable.

People choose to be brutes because they are not willing to take a different course of action.

My brother is the same as my father and I think he will probably end up in prison or dead for the behaviour he shows.

You don't make someone into a bully. Keep posting!

duluth wheel

I am still here just been very busy so not been on mumsnet. I am very confused. Dp and i split up earlier in the year but everyone i knew said i would be mad to loose him and that so few men would put up with me and my career. I just can't get my head around the word abuse. He is grumpy and i need to stand up for myself.

Bladabla i dont agree if dp is bullying me it is because i have allowed it to happen. I will not let it happen any more.