Am I victim of abuse or is it all in my head?

[pretendingtobesomeonelse]

I have namechanged as my dp reads this and I am ashamed.

My dp has a reputation as one of the nicest men you will meet, everyone I know thinks I am lucky to have him and I am always being told this. He has taken on my child and dotes on her and works very hard to support our family. We have been together about 5 years.

Over the past year or so I have found that his temper is getting worse, he is controlling, suspicious and I feel like I am constantly talking on egg shells. I have tried to talk to dp about this and he gets angry and starts shouting and saying that if he is such a bad man he should leave and that it is all in my head and because I have encountered violence and aggression in my past I expect it now.

It is really hard to put my finger on what it is that is happening but I know that I have gone from being very confident to having zero confidence and that I am always having to apologise for myself and take the blame for everything. I live in fear of making him angry and know that i will walk around the house looking at the floor unable to look him in the eye worrying about getting in his way. This makes dp furious and he does over the top impersonations of me. This just makes me more nervous and it becomes a viscious circle.

If we have a row it has to be my fault and he has never every admitted to making a mistake. he tells me constantly how hard I am to live with and how much he has to put up with and yet he is also a very loving man and I know that he does a lot for me.

Every now and again he will explode and say that I treat him like a servant and that I never do anything for him and yet whenever I offer to do anything for him he says it doesn't matter and he needs nothing.

Yesterday I cooked a meal for my mum and me and afterwards I went in the kitchen to tidy up, he told me to go and sit down as I had cooked so he would tidy up. I tried to do it as I knew he would shout at me later but he insisted I sat down. Sure enough this morning he was shouting at me because he had tidied up after me.

He constantly criticises and belittles me usually over daft things so I feel petty bringing it up. For example earlier we were doing some homework with dd that involved making footprints. DD was behind me and I thought dp had washed her feet so I called her to me, so she got some paint on the carpet. He came in and went mad at me, I apologised and he just started shouting and saying, how many mistakes is that today then and it is a good job I have nothing better than to clean up after you.

I think that if you show him the Womens' Aid Link it would not make any difference. But that is just my opinion. He knows (at least on some levels) that what he is doing is wrong. Men like this are very unlikely to admit it. Seeing a link will not make him say "oh I understand now darling, I have been awful to you"

He will try and twist what you are saying. Sorry if that is harsh. I really feel for you. Like others on here I have had an emotionally abusive relationship and every day I am thankful that I got out of it.

He doesn't do most of that Lewis Fan it is just the putting me down and shouting a lot with suspicion of me.

I don;t know I am confused.

No, he doesn't do most of it - but he does some, right?

Abuse isn't "all or nothing" - that also isn't an exhaustive list...

I'm not suprised you're confused - it's perfectly normal TBH and will take a long time to get your head around, but be in no two minds - it is abuse; no matter what he says.

Also, the "is it abuse or is it in my head" is a classic line fed to the abused; to make them doubt themselves so much that they get confused and begin to believe that it IS in their head/their fault

IT ISN'T - EVER. It isn't your fault OR in your head. It may not be physical but that doesn't make it any less serious and damaging

Take care when you speak to him and don't believe the "but you do x y z so I have to..." line because it's bull, quite frankly

Someone may already have said this, but even if they have it may be worth saying again.

Most types of abuse are not constant. So you may have periods (days or even weeks) when he is lovely, and all seems well. This is what keeps you in the relationship. Then it all goes horrid again, but he twists things and messes with your head and you think it is you that has the problem.

If you start to get assertive or stronger and start to make serious noises about doing something about it, he gets all "nice" again. This is the nature of most forms of abuse, be it emotional, physical, sexual or whatever.

Does this pattern sound familiar?

Your daughter may "love him to bits". But the longer you stay in the relationship the more she is consciously and subconsciously taking on board that this is what a relationship should be like, and the more likely she is to end up with someone who treats her in exactly this manner. Is that what you want for her?

From the Q&A part of Women's Aid site; it was the walking on eggshells bit that made me look and it seems to fit a bit here, although the clean thing may not fit exactly but the meaning is the same:

I?m being forced to keep everything meticulously clean. My partner goes mental if I put a foot wrong. He?s just being over-excessive, but it?s like walking on egg shells. What should I do to get out of the spiral we?re in?

Your partner is making completely unreasonable demands of you. The situation that you describe sounds like part of a pattern of abusive behaviour that would be classed as domestic violence. It sounds as if he?s very controlling of you and reacts unreasonably when you do something that he doesn?t like. The truth is that even if you adapt your behaviour to cater for his moods, it?s likely he?ll find something else as a reason to be abusive towards you. Unless he acknowledges that his behaviour is unacceptable and takes steps to do something about it, the situation is unlikely to change. Perhaps you could have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it?s time to assess whether or not you have a future together.

I posted here a year ago with a situation very similar to yours.In my heart I knew my partner was abusiver, but was scared to change things as he made me feel it was all my fault,.The turning point for me was when my sister said "the person who loves you should treat you better than anyone else, not worse" and at that point I realised he was charm personified to everyone else and abusive to me and my children.It is so hard at the time to alter things, but any change in life can be difficult. I now have a lovely partner who builds me up rather than knocking me down, my confidence has grown, my kids are happier. I don't know what kind of illness you have but it does not sound as though this man is your 'carer'
Listen to your heart x

You're not 'oversensitive'. He's a SHIT. His behaviour is classic abusive behaviour, and he will progress to hitting you soon.

Smallcreep he is the person who treats me the best.

We have spoken and he was very angry at the words abuse or bullying and pointed out that I loose my temper and shout. He admits he gets angry and is stressed but points out that he has not or never would hit me so there is nothing to be scared of. He says I have taken things out of conext and it is in my head. Maybe he is right

I have said that to him and he admits he looses his temper but no more than anyone else. The problem is my reaction to him not his behaviour

If you were driving and someone started shouting at you, you'd be scared. I would be and I'm not easily scared these days...I was an abused wife too once. He told me no one would ever love me. I had loads of crap from him, both physical, mental, sexual and emotional, it was only a matter of time before one of us would have wound up dead - probably me.
You cannot continue to live like this. What is this doing to your Dd? you may think that it isn't harming her, but it almost certainly is. She will think that this is normal and acceptable behaviour from a man that 'loves you and go on to be abused herself by a man.
Find help honey, accept help and see for yourself that this is far from reasonable behaviour.

Years ago I asked a good friend of mine why women "dont just leave" abusive men. Her response was that the abuse is insidious, slow building and works to rob the abused of self-esteem, wearing them down till they have no emotional strength to get out.

There is a device abusers use called the Small Kindness Perception (IIRC its part of Stockholm Syndrom)whereby the abuser does something nice in order to keep us bound to them and believe they are not so bad after all.

I have experience of all the things you describe and it progressed to physical violence.

I posted on a support thread a while back when I was going through a bad term - they were fantastically supportive and you can read my experience and make your mind up - would you like the link?

pretending - why don't you go and see a counsellor by yourself? Talking to someone in RL will help you think through things more clearly. If your partner is right and its all in your head then going to counselling will be very good at helping you see it in context.

you mentioned that you have faced violence in the past and a counselllor woudl help you with that and also your health problems.

If your partner thinks that you are confused then surely he woudl support you getting some professional help?? After all, if you were confused about legal matters you woudl speak to a solicitor or if you thought you had medical problems you woudl speak to a doctor.

Something isn't quite right and I can't put my finger on it.

Fact is though, if you aren't reacting the way he thinks you should be, he should be looking at himself first and foremost to see if there is something he is doing or he can change in order to get the reaction he wants. Which is a positive reaction, right?

I have asked him to come to a counsellor with me and he has not given me an answer. He says he wants me to stop being scared, but he does think it is all in my head.

I asked him to look at this thread but he wont

Well that's just silly isnt it? Why wont he?

But am I being fair asking him to never get angry because I am a nervous wreck?

Because he says I have only given my side of the story and it is just a bunch of strangers talking about a man they have never met. He has just popped his head round the door and said "what are you all saying about me now"

pretending - why dont go you by yourself? A counsellor is not there to " take sides". he or she will help you think through things more clearly and support you in any changes you want to make for yourself. If this is all in your head then counselling would help you sort it out

They abuse us to the point that we cant see it and end up concerned that WE are inconveniencing THEM!
It sounds like this is where you are now, and you deserve a man who is not only consistently kind but consistently respectful.
I hope these replies are helpful to you.

That link to your thread would be helpful peedoffandpg