Once a cheat always a cheat??

[Photowall]

NC for this.

My partner of 3 years has always struggled with low self esteem and as such can be a ‘bottomless pit’ of needing reassurance. This has got better over the last year or so with firm boundaries from me.

When we got together he made a comment about how he cheated in a previously relationship (‘relationship was dead, think she was cheating to etc 🙄)
Over then last few years he has dropped in that he has basically cheated in every relationship he has been in. And each time feels ‘justified’ in doing so.

Forward to now, he has recently started making comments about how he wants more or different things in our sex life (IMO we have a great sex life 4/5 times a week, quite varied etc) so this took me by surprise, we talked about it and he didn’t really have an answer only wanting a bit more of one thing so I said ok we can do that. Couple of times I offered in the moment, he declined and we did something else, no drama. But then straight after he would start on about how ‘it’s a shame we don’t get to do the thing I like’???? And then all week will moan about not getting this thing or how sex life is ‘planned’ or ‘not what it used to be’ (classic gaslighting)

I am now thinking, is this some sort of script to look elsewhere???

I was coming to say that people can. But from the sounds of it, your bloke follows a pattern of leading up to feel justified on cheating. Sorry man.

I'd be asking him if he's leading these conversations so he can feel justified in fucking around. Get in there first and warn him what will happen if he does.

Yes it is. But you should have expected that if you continue a relationship with a serial cheat.

It's not a universal rule, no.

But I think it's probably true in his case from what you've described.

If he's cheated in every single relationship he's been in, what makes you think he'll be any different now?

His lack of remorse about previous cheating would be what would make me think he hasn't changed or isn't capable of it. Like who talks about it the way he is, almost as if he's proud of it?

He's all but told you he's going to cheat on you if you don't perform to his standards. Is that really someone you want to be giving your whole self to?

I don't believe 'once a cheat, always a cheat' as sometimes circumstances lead to someone acting out of character.

Context is important. Someone who has cheated multiple times / isn't genuinely sorry they cheated - I'd be on high alert. It means that he is OK with the morals of cheating and therefore has no reason to stop himself.

Aside from the cheating risk, he's acting like a selfish idiot.

A leopard can change its spots but it’s still the same leopard. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. (I sound like a book of phrases)

But in your case it's not "once" a cheat is it? It's "always" a cheat already? Plus the comments he's been making.

I don't think it's always the case, but with your current partner it is.

When I was about 20 I cheated on my boyfriend and I felt so awful the next day. I remember him calling me as I left the guy’s place and I thought I was going to be sick. Boyfriend never found out. I’ve never cheated since. So I think people can just do something stupid and learn from it. In your case though he doesn’t feel cheating is bad if he has an excuse and it sounds like he’s trying to create an excuse.

I was horrible when I was younger. I didn’t use those lines but I somehow mentally justified my behaviour with my partner is abusive/negligent/unkind (and they were!) but now I am happily married for years and wouldn’t dream of it. Cheaters can change but I am a woman so maybe it’s different?

I agree with pp that you should call him out on it.

People can change, but they have to put a lot of work in to regain trust and work out why they do it in the first place.

In this case, I reckon it's a case of 'when', not 'if'. If you're prepared to spend that time with him until he does, then that's your choice. Personally I'd get out now as he's clearly leading up to something.

Sorry but I would say it’s pretty likely he will do it again. Maybe once, but every relationship has ended in him cheating!

He won’t change and is already telling you he is going to look for what he wants, despite you offering. If he doesn’t want to do the thing you’ve offered with you, with whom does he want to do it with?

If its in a formative time like teen years or very early 20's or first relationship i think they can change. As they don't know themselves well. But if its a repeated pattern, no. Overall i think it stay a pattern in adult years and is a matter of moral. I dont date men who cheated previous relationships.

I have called him out on it today and he is obviously adamant I have it all wrong and this times it’s different because of XYZ, but ultimately he remains justified in how he cheated before. He couldn’t really tell me this was different other than cliches like ‘look at our life’, ‘as if I would take you to X and do X if I was then going to cheat’.

Just something about it raised alarm bells with me. And he was only saying the other day he felt ‘there are certain things men should expect as part of a relationship’ all quite grim but isn’t usually a pig so brushed it off.

Obviously he is now sulking since the conversation because ‘it’s disgusting that he is being accused of cheating’

For me the fact he is using "I suspect she was cheating " as justification for his cheating means that he doesn't treat cheating in a relationship as a problem for him.

Someone who has cheated in the part but "owns" their own actions and says it was wrong, I would be more willing to give them a chance.

4/5 times a week is quite a lot of sex in a week. The cheek of him to moan. Do you want children with this man? If so he doesn't seem like he could adapt to life changes of having a child!

The sulking alone would put me off.

Bottomless pit of demanding reassurance, gaslights, sulks and a prolific cheater. Yuck.

Take delight in dumping him. Enjoy life.
(Get tested for STDs)

Yes, people can change for the better BUT I don’t think I’d be trusting your partner at all. He doesn’t sound remorseful or that he thinks his past behaviour was wrong (but just par for the course).

Yoh ought to be very careful here.

I'd have to say I agree with this. Sorry. It doesn't sound very good

I think once a cheat always a cheat. Reason is lack of moral and character. Doesn't matter hiw unhappy they were or how bad the relationship was...you leave, dont cheat. The fact hes playing the blame game means hes blaming the other person. That's what cheaters do. He hasn't changed. I dont think any if them do.

Wow, I honestly dont know why you stay with him. This is him telling you he is a shit. Leave.