Once a cheat always a cheat??

[Photowall]

NC for this.

My partner of 3 years has always struggled with low self esteem and as such can be a ‘bottomless pit’ of needing reassurance. This has got better over the last year or so with firm boundaries from me.

When we got together he made a comment about how he cheated in a previously relationship (‘relationship was dead, think she was cheating to etc 🙄)
Over then last few years he has dropped in that he has basically cheated in every relationship he has been in. And each time feels ‘justified’ in doing so.

Forward to now, he has recently started making comments about how he wants more or different things in our sex life (IMO we have a great sex life 4/5 times a week, quite varied etc) so this took me by surprise, we talked about it and he didn’t really have an answer only wanting a bit more of one thing so I said ok we can do that. Couple of times I offered in the moment, he declined and we did something else, no drama. But then straight after he would start on about how ‘it’s a shame we don’t get to do the thing I like’???? And then all week will moan about not getting this thing or how sex life is ‘planned’ or ‘not what it used to be’ (classic gaslighting)

I am now thinking, is this some sort of script to look elsewhere???

Absolutely agree with this!

He sounds like an entitled baby.

Will this get better? Probably not.

My thought was that he’s already cheating, or at least had his head turned. He doesn’t even seem to actually want you to provide what he’s demanding.
I know it’s easier said than done but dump and run would be my advice.

It’s so shit isn’t it!

Im 36 he is 43, really thought he was different .
In every other way he is a good partner but this just stinks. Interesting he always said to me that if I cheated on him that would absolutely be it he has always been very firm on that! His absolute red line etc. I wonder why he is so adamant about me cheating when he has this history!

This is true. I said to him, why are you going on about this particular thing when we have done it loads and I’ve never said I didn’t want to, he didn’t have an answer only ‘I shouldn’t have to ask for it’ 🤮

This is very disappointing for you but he’s sounding like a bit of a pig when it comes to sex. You do this thing he likes (sounds like you’re doing it for him rather than you) and now he’s complaining about having to ask for it - so he’s still found a gripe. The fact is that he thinks it’s okay for him to cheat in a relationship because he’s found a justification for doing so every time. You’re right to have concerns about this.

In my experience they don’t change at all. They try to justify it as situational, but really it’s just their character. Don’t be at all surprised if you ‘accusing’ him of cheating/not trusting him will be the justification for it this time around.

What about firing acorss his bows?? @Photowall

"You seem to be mentioning re cheating a lot as you've behaved in previous relationships... .. And you're finding more and more things to complain about.

We are having sex 5 times weekly... It's good sex... The rest of our life is happy...

Your whinging is a massive turn off, as is keep flagging up re cheating.

I think we should split up... You can find the prostitute you want, and I can find someone who doesn't treat me like a sex doll and gaslights me...

See what he says..

Suspect he'll bluster and say, of course not... But equally if he gives any other answer....

Personally I'd want to throw this one back, unless he made massive changes.

He's also justifying his previous cheating..
So he's someone who continually blames situations /others rather than take accountability....

I do wonder how he'll be as you both age?

I suppose people can change-although I have my doubts. But they have to want to change and be prepared to put the work in. And crucially, acknowledge they are at fault and not blame other people or expect other people to “fix”them.

I have cheated, had a long term affair. Never once tried to justify it. Own the responsibility for my own actions. Now with my AP in real relationship and have never thought about another man. Couldn't imagine it.
This man has found justification for cheating in every previous relationship... EVERY one....and he has lined up the justification for cheating now...he will say ( when you either find out or he tells you he has cheated) it's your fault for making him ask for what he wanted when you had sex.
Which by the way is a normal healthy thing...it's good to feel able to ask for what you want...worse thing is though...he doesn't have to ask...you offer it.
I'd be planning for a split as it's coming down the line like an out of control train.
Get in now and control the narrative

No, some people cheat once under certain circumstances and don't make a habit of it or do it again. Still wrong, but not really cheats by nature and perhaps more forgivable.

Your fella, though, is not one of those people. He's a knob.

Cut your losses.

not once a cheat always a cheat at all. I cheated on my ex fiance with my ex boyfriend which is all kinds of messed up but once we had sex I ended the relationship and felt guilty. I also recognised that it was a consequence of deep instability in my relationship and I think I was looking to find a way to make myself end it, plus it was a total rebound relationship. I was 22, I was emotionally and mentally a mess, I did suspect correctly he'd cheated.
it's never happened since, not even tempted. had a chance early in in my dating now DH, I didn't because I knew I'd didn't want to harm my relationship. if I found myself wanting to now, nearly 14 years later, I'd know something was seriously wrong. so yes people grow and change.

however, he seems to get with someone, get bored, push for something he thinks he wants but doesn't really care about (the whatever sex act he's asking for) before wandering off and finding someone else. he'll then convince himself you didn't do enough and probably cos you're putting it about. honestly, I think he's knitting his red flag right in front of you.

Always listen to that inner voice, its very often 100%.

I cheated, 3 times in the same relationship but never again (over 30 years ago) with anyone since.

I felt deep shame at what i did, your bloke just sounds like if the opportunity came along....

He's already cheated, and all he's doing now is setting up his 'justification' for when it comes out.

People with very low self esteem don't tend to make good partners OP. They are either going to be very needy or they're going to cheat - or both. This bloke has issues and you are not going to fix him. He needs to work on himself and you need to find someone who's in a better place mentally.

He has a but in his fidelity.

I am faithful but not if I am unhappy.
I am faithful but it’s okay if we aren’t having enough sex.

I am faithful but not if she’s already accusing me of cheating, may be his latest reason.

I don’t cheat FOR ME. Not my husband as he’s a pain in the arse at times. My husbands actions won’t change my mind. I choose to remain faithful for me. I gave my word and my word matters to me. If my word means nothing then what does that make me. have to look myself in the face (in the mirror) each morning and I want to like what I see. So I remain faithful for me. Not him. If I was faithful ‘because he makes me happy and this is a great relationship’ then am I a step away from cheating if he isn’t making me happy? Could I twist my thoughts and justify a quick shag with a bloke from work? My faithfulness is not conditional but n my spouse doing x or y. It’s for me alone. It’s easy to cheat, Tinder etc is just a click away.

A few things jumped out at me:

He has low self esteem.
Wants smoke blowing up his butt.
Sulks rather than talks.

All three are red flags (and I believe can lead to cheating). Low self esteem - what has he done to fix this? Sulking - why? Why does he find discussing hard or is it criticism he finds hard?

Does he hide mistakes he makes? Does he have a perfectionist streak? Does he ever lie to his boss or someone else?

I would really examine his traits - not what he says but what he does.

But no I wouldn’t date a man like this because of his reasons and traits (the three red flags)

TBH, his current behaviour would be enough for me to walk away now, let alone the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing. He lacks emotional maturity and doesn't take responsibility, that's not going to change. My ex-H would sulk when I didn't say/do what he wanted. It's the behaviour of a toddler. I'm surprised you haven't got the ick.

Honestly, you sound like a great catch and really don’t deserve all this nonsense.

All these things he’s saying are to destabilise you and make you unsure of yourself. He may have self esteem issues but he certainly doesn’t want you to have all the power, does he?

There are better blokes out there without all the hang ups and bullshitting.

Just reread your posts.

Another red flag is always saying what he doesn’t have rather than appreciating what he does have.

He sounds like a bit of a sulky cheaty loser tbh.

Unfortunately, your current partner cannot be trusted. Whatever he’s up to, he’s trying to find a potential source of unhappiness in your relationship, so that he can justify his choices.
Huge red flag. And don’t even get me started on sulking.

Sounds like he has issues,OP.

Not for you to fix.

He has unashamedly told you he’s a cheat and he’s also told you he has cheated in EVERY relationship he’s been in.

Why would it be different now ??
I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already cheated on you.
He’s hardly going to admit it is he ? During any conversation / confrontation you have with him, he will tell you what you want to hear. Not the actual truth!

You'll never be able to trust him.
Dump him and get tested for STI.

I feel he moves the goalposts to suit himself and justify his reasons for not upholding his integrity in relationships. The blame is on the other women and now he is doing the same to you.

He sounds like a total emotional vampire even without the cheating but yes this one will definitely cheat.