Did you fancy your partner when you first met them?

[gorgeouscurtains]

I’m curious about this! In my last relationship, I didn’t fancy him at first. I remember getting to know him and one night, him making me laugh my head off over something silly and all of a sudden, the stomach flips were there. The relationship lasted about 4 years (long story) but I definitely didn’t physically fancy him at first.

I’m in the same situation again (I think) with someone else. This time, ‘on paper’, if I could write a list, he’s everything I’d be looking for but there isn’t any physical chemistry. He makes me laugh, we have the same dark sense of humour and if I’m going to see him, I’m always aware that I want to look nice. I couldn’t say that I actually ‘fancied’ him though. In the past, I’ve met men where it’s been an instant physical spark but then inevitably, it fizzles out once we get to know each other.

Just wondering if there’s others who are like that? Physical attraction is something that grows over time? Or for you, was it an instant chemistry?

Do you find him unattractive or is he just not your usual type?

With an ex I was really not attracted to him. It was ok for a while but over the years sex became an issue. I reached a point of not wanting him to touch me.

I know for others slow burns work - my own brother was like this with his wife of 20 odd years and they are blissfully happy, but I know he had zero attraction to her in the early days.

For me though, its never been the case. I either feel fireworks straight off or I never do. I dated for past 8 years, had a few 6 month relationships waiting for the spark to come. Never did. Im with someone now where (finally) the spark flew immediately.

I now just think some people are slow burners some people just arent. If me and my boyfriend split, if I didn't feel the spark immediately on a date I wouldn't go for the second because I know for me they just won't come. But thats me.

100% fancied after eg an hour or two or getting to know and still do but there have also been instances of that sort of instant attraction fizzling out in days

its never really grown for me in anything other than a lacklustre way of there isn’t that early chemistry

I would say that your description of how you feel about him now is the way I was about DP when I met him. We both enjoyed speaking to each other and I really looked forward to seeing him but it wasn’t a wow for me.
Something clicked on the third time we met up and I was still slightly unsure about the physical attraction but I knew that I had to give it a try.
Nearly 8 years later I can honestly say that he’s my soulmate and the spark is showing no signs of going out 😊
Don’t give up just yet!

1st time he looked at me was like a lightening bolt. 27 years later, still the same.

Yes I was and still am stupidly attracted to him after 13 years

It’s strange because if I had a list of things I find attractive in a man (I don’t!), he’d tick all the boxes but when I’m with him, there’s none of the usual feelings you often get when you physically fancy someone.

I'm a slow burner. I don't really fancy people from their physical appearance it's all about humour, intelligence and kindness to me. I never lasted long with "bad boys" because I didn't fancy them at all in anyway 😂 I often thought I was broken at school because I never fancied the typical boys everyone else did.

Once I fancy someone for who they are,they physical become really attractive to me and the opposite. I've joked before that I'm like the film shallow hal. I've since learnt I'm probably more aligned with being pansexual.

So for me I didn't fancy my husband physically before I knew him. But we did have pretty instant chemistry once we did start to get to know eachother but then we talked a lot before we met up. Had we met first it would of been a lot slower.
I've also never been able to have a one night stand or one off hook ups because it would be unenjoyable for me. I don't really lust in that way.

My DH wasn't at all what I was looking for on paper and physically I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest. But he was a lovely man and he made me laugh. It was an absolute shock to realise after maybe 18 months of being friends I'd fallen in love with him. For his part, he'd fancied me since the day we met but had never given the slightest hint of that to me so I was oblivious. Getting together was a strange process, a little like Chandler and Monica in Friends. We're now 20 years in and I find him very attractive, still in love and absolutely believe slow burn attraction is a thing.

With my ex, I felt the instant attraction but we were a nightmare as a couple. DH was a slow burn to begin with but we've been happily married for 22 years now. Guess which one I think is better!

This is me and my DH too!

Defo didn’t fancy him when we met and took me ages to realise I did like him. We always joke we are like Chandler and Monica too.

I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He’s such a good man.

First sight. Across a crowded room.

Maybe it's simply because you feel safe and secure with him. I think often what we mistake as "spark" or "chemistry" is that fear that they won't like us back. I don't think you need those feelings for a successful relationship.

There was no ‘wow’ when I met my soulmate dh, just easy conversation and a definite connection. He has always had a calming effect on me and almost 20 years later there is absolutely no one I would swap him for.

Yes. The chemistry was instant. 37 years ago yesterday.

Interesting you should say that because I’ve been wondering the same. I’ve had a lot stress this year and while I’ve not talked to him about it, he’s the type of person who feels ‘safe’. He seems unflappable and, in a year where everything has felt so ‘unsafe’, I think that’s partly the draw. Interesting.

I remember years ago, a friend got (quite quickly) engaged to a man she’d met online. I asked her why the sudden leap toward marriage and she said ‘he’s been so kind to me’. At the time I thought ‘Whaaattt…you don’t marry someone just because they’re nice to you’ but they’ve been happily together now for 20+ years and I think she was probably a person who was attracted more to character/personality than the initial physical spark.

I’ve never instantly been attracted to anyone in my whole life. Not once thought phwoar at a stranger. I’m attracted to a personality and it takes me a long time to open up emotionally too. Without that feeling of safety I feel very numb in that sense.

I met my dh at work. He was a nice enough bloke. He asked me out and I said no. But we became firm friends. For two whole years he was my best friend. He never made a move on me but people would say we were like a couple but without anything physical. Anyway my mother died very suddenly. I was no contact with her as she was very abusive to me as a child. But it hit me hard which came as a shock to me. Dh came straight to me to comfort me. I was a total wreck!. Couldn’t sleep, was having horrific flash backs. Dh took me for a drive to distract me. I fell to sleep. Woke up in the car covered in his coat and found he’d driven us all the way to the coast. He got out, opened my door and this man carried me down to the beach in the dark and just held me in a huddle on the sand. And that’s when it hit me. I wanted him. Emotionally and physically.

I fancy the pants off him 27 years later. Like butterflies in my tummy when I see him walk up the path after work, we are pretty sickening (according to our two dc who were born in quick succession after that night lol)

so yeah I think sometimes the feelings grow with how they treat you.

Physical attraction isn’t the same necessarily as attraction. When I met DH there was a connection for sure and we just clicked and got on so well and like you say he ticked so many things on my list but I did not “fancy” him and yet I do recall wondering what he would be like in bed, and fleetingly wishing he’d hold my hand (then wondering why I thought that). So the signs were there. We built up an intense friendship and I was still worried the spark wouldn’t be there when we met again… as the connection was so strong. But it was definitely a slow burn thing that was so so right and so good. And now I can still see that he may not be the most attractive man in the world to most but I love him so much that attraction for me is him… for who and what he is.
Our sex life is fantastic and only improved each year we are together too… lol married 19 years now!

Dh and I met at 11 so no fireworks. Definitely some flutters by about 16 as we had a snog at a party. Didn't get together until we were 25 so whilst he was a good friend and we got on well I didn't spend 9 years pining/lusting after him, we've always had social chemistry though, our personalities click.

No I didn’t. He was a chubby 11 year old. I was 10. We met at a secondary school induction day, we were both in the same form class from year 7 onwards. I always knew he liked me, he asked me out in year 11, but we were so young and immature I didn’t want to “go out”.
Then we were reunited at a mutual friends 21st birthday party, he was 6ft tall, slim and manly…and that’s where it began. 15 years, a wedding, 2 kids, 2 homes later here we are. I love him and fancy him very much, he’s my soul mate.

He was by my garden gate. It was instant! He said so too!

We’ve been together 30 years- married for 29.

Slow burn here. I didn’t fancy him initially but I do t really fancy people, I’m not wired like that.
i fancy the literal pants off him now, 33 years on.

Exactly the same for me and ex-DP. I didn’t fancy him and this killed my sex drive dead.

Luckily I fancy DP, who is objectively much better looking, and sex drive came back.

This is a beautiful story, and as I was reading it the song fix you by Coldplay came on the radio which felt like I was watching your life in a movie @Showerflowers.

I’m the same as @amibeingaknob its either instant or not at all. I’ve ended short term relationships with perfectly nice men because I would never fancy them or develop strong feelings, however many boxes they tick.
Being physically attracted to someone is really important and without it I just get the ick early on. If someone had the double whammy of looks and the same sense of humour as me I stayed far too long, despite many red flags. And even longer if they’re emotionally unavailable!
I’m actively trying to break that pattern now and make better choices, but I still have to find them attractive.