Did you fancy your partner when you first met them?

[gorgeouscurtains]

I’m curious about this! In my last relationship, I didn’t fancy him at first. I remember getting to know him and one night, him making me laugh my head off over something silly and all of a sudden, the stomach flips were there. The relationship lasted about 4 years (long story) but I definitely didn’t physically fancy him at first.

I’m in the same situation again (I think) with someone else. This time, ‘on paper’, if I could write a list, he’s everything I’d be looking for but there isn’t any physical chemistry. He makes me laugh, we have the same dark sense of humour and if I’m going to see him, I’m always aware that I want to look nice. I couldn’t say that I actually ‘fancied’ him though. In the past, I’ve met men where it’s been an instant physical spark but then inevitably, it fizzles out once we get to know each other.

Just wondering if there’s others who are like that? Physical attraction is something that grows over time? Or for you, was it an instant chemistry?

No, I wasn't physically attracted to my husband at first. Id previously had two boyfriends who were the typical chiseled jaw and handsome in every way possible. Their opinions and personalities though didn't match.
I was already acquainted with my current husband through friends but one night he just made me laugh and something changed. 30 years later and he continues to make me laugh and I now find him the most attractive man on earth.
Sometimes, I dont think its always about appearance. Its about how a person makes you feel that makes them attractive.

Yes I did, but it grew over the next couple of weeks. I really need to know at least a little of someone's personality before I can "fancy" them, even if I can acknowledge that they are physically attractive. I know early on if the potential is there or not. If I meet someone and there is no attraction there at all or there's something that's off putting about them, there's no point continuing because I need sexual attraction.

Yes and still do after 9 years

No as I first met them when I was a child but when first meeting them as an adult, absolutely.

First time we hugged, kissed etc it genuinely was like sticking my finger in the electric socket with sparks flying everywhere.

Living together for 25 years, married for 22, no more electric shocks 😆 but still get on amazingly well.

I realised in retrospect, I was never physically attracted to my H of 15 years. I liked him for who he was but never really fancied him. Over time, he self-care deteriorated (not like low mood, just couldn’t be arsed) and with things like bad breath due to poor dental hygiene and not showering often, I was totally turned off. I’d only ever had instant attraction with someone once before (eyes met across a crowded pub and it was a ‘lightening bolt’ moment!) and that was a toxic relationship so I didn’t prioritise that with H.
I started dating again about a year after we split. I wasn’t expecting some great romance, just looking for company and someone who I could have fun with. Had a few dates that didn’t go anywhere and then I met DP. Found him easy to chat with on messages and I liked his photos. Then when I met him in person, bam, fireworks! 😆 it’s been 3 years and I still feel like that.
For some people, the slow burn happens..but I think if it’s been a while and you don’t really have it, you have to wonder if you will.

For me, if I don't fancy him, it ain't happening. No ifs, no buts. I've tried. Tried to give men I don't really fancy a "chance". Sadly (for me, not them), no matter how nice, kind and funny they were, it never worked and the thought of sex with them repulsed me. Plus, by dating them when you're not really into it, you're keeping them from someone who they'd be perfect for. Also, the last time I tried this (fairly recently), he could tell I wasn't that into him and became extremely controlling and emotionally abusive in order to keep me. I felt trapped and in the end had to ask for help to leave. That's not to say I'd date someone I fancied but who's a c**t though- I've become VERY picky.

I met my husband when we were teenagers and honestly I've never had such a strong instant attraction to anybody, before or since. I thought he was gorgeous and could not believe he liked me back (I think he's way out of my league to be honest!). Together 20 years now!

I've never had a crush on a guy just based on his looks or other physical attributes.
I can identify that someone is good looking, damn good looking, or possessing some very specific amazing trait... But aside from admiring it like I would admire a beautiful animal or flower, it's no more than that.

From when I was a teenager until now, for me, when I was dating, I never said wowzers about the guys physical looks.
In fact some of them did not have what you would call a high standard of physical beauty but I like them because they were kind funny smart nice considerate etc, and that's why I chose to go out with them, and as I got closer to them emotionally, they became much more attractive to me physically

Each and every one of them.

No, I liked Dh. I thought he was kind and funny and I liked hanging out with him and found him easy to talk to, but did not find him physically attractive really.

I didn’t find him unattractive. It wasn’t like I was put off by him (he’s actually a really good looking guy, tall, reasonably athletic, there’s nothing not to like). But he was probably the complete opposite of ‘my type’ at the time. My type, as it turns out, was tattooed assholes who played guitar in a band. Dh is more clean cut farm boy. Not what I was looking for at all. 🤣

But we ended up in a group of friends who knew each other through work and various couple friends who were dating. I liked him right away. I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was funny and respectful and dependable - not an asshole so didn’t even consider I might ever see him in that way. I think everyone else saw it, but I was totally oblivious for the first month or two.

Then there was one day when it just clicked. Literally we were hanging out chatting and he went to hand me something and our hands touched and it was like a switch flipped on. I remember at the time just being like, WTAF? 😂 I did not see that coming. One thing led to another and we’ve been together since that day.

I find him very attractive now. We’ve been together 17 years. I think it’s not so much that he had to grow on me, but I had to figure out that what found attractive (drama) was not nearly attractive as just someone who is lovely and kind and reliable. I kinda had to get out of my own way.

Yep, I did.
We were set up by a much older friend.
I was 36 and had given up.
We met outside a coffee shop.. he was standing outside and not conventionally handsome but I just thought “where have you been all my life?’ Engaged 2 weeks later And married 6 months later. Have been happy 24 years.

SummerFlowers .. that is the most glorious story.

I could have written this myself! Even down to how long we were such good friends before I even looked at him in that way, and how long we’ve now been married!! He asked me out and I thought absolutely not, didn’t look at him in that way at all…… and then he flirted with someone on a night out and I was jealous!

I truly think relationships that start with strong friendships are the ones that last x

I had a long relationship with a nice guy who was not my type. But I think when we hit a tough time it was hard to find my way as the attraction was never really there. Now I’ve been with dp a couple of years and the attraction and connection was instant even when I’m annoyed I still fancy him!

13 years in and I'm attracted to OH more now than I've ever been. I prefer him now he's weathered and grey!
When we first met I wasn't physically attracted at all, but I never felt as safe with anybody as I did with him from the very first date.

I was with prior ex for almost 5 years. He was handsome as hell - looked like a male model. His smell though! 😂 He wasn't unclean by any means, but his natural underlying odour used to make my stomach churn. It got to the point where I couldn't stand him near me, and I'd pretend to be asleep in bed so he wouldn't try it on! 🫣

I sort of knew my DH before we got together, but only distantly (we worked in the same shop very briefly together when I was 19 and he was 16). A few years later we locked eyes on a night out and BAM! I knew I'd marry him. The physical attraction was like nothing I'd ever felt. Together nearly 18 years now and he's aging like a fine wine (me, not so much I don't think but he still fancies me).

With dh I though he was nice looking we had a couple of dates and chatted, then kissed on the third date by which time there was definite sparks.

I used to "force" the slow burn thing. It can lead to nice sex but it will never lead to that feeling of swooning when you see the guy walking around naked or when he's undressing. I now only go for the ones I'm very attracted to. Life is too short to deny myself this pleasure.

Yes - it’s what makes dating so hard! You want both

Been lucky enough to experience this several times.

I remember one time I'd been invited to a party by a girlfriend to meet a particular guy. He was nice, but no spark. Then a guy walked in, literally our eyes met across the crowded room, and sparks flew. He was with another woman, but it was a very casual thing, it ended that night. A couple of nights later was our first time, and it did not disappoint. Clothes were definitely ripped off on the way to the bedroom...

I was hugely attracted to my current partner the first time we met - we kissed at the end of the date and the closest way I can describe it is that kissing him felt as intimate and mind-blowing as actually having sex. I've never had that before.

Having said that, I've had long term relationships (two years or more) with four other men before him, and he was the only one I felt such an intense immediate attraction to. So I don't think it's essential - it can grow.

He is however the one with whom the attraction was most intense,, and the sex the best I have ever had.

So I think attraction can develop, and become good enough for a mutually fulfilling relationship but (for me) a really intense attraction will be there from the start - a slow-burn doesn't ever reach quite the same dizzying heights....

But I am sure everyone is different. And there is no harm in giving it more time, if he is happy to do so too.

Yes
we couldn’t take our eyes off each other
Still blows my mind and we’ve been together 10 years almost x

I used to live by the "slow burn" rule. Now I think it's a sad way to live and if there's no chemistry, no deal. (Some men are incredibly attractive and do nothing for me, while others are the opposite).

Not at all. We worked together for a few years before getting together. It gradually happened as we got to know each other. Happily married for ages now.

I didn’t fancy my DP immediately, although the first time I met him he was actually one of two people interviewing me for a job and seemed incredibly bored by the whole experience. Once I started working with him, we got on brilliantly well and after a few weeks of working together we got extremely drunk at someone’s leaving do and before I knew it we were snogging each other’s faces off and then ripping each other’s clothes off in my hallway. That was 23 years ago. I’ve never stopped fancying him since.

Yes definitely. He got a full on snog in the car after the first date which he wasn’t expecting.