After 8 years together I think I've worked out that my wife does not feel much during sex. Not just not orgasm, but like the sensation is rubbing your elbow. It took a while because she makes the movements and sounds, but I think its for me. I'm considering talking to her about it so it becomes less of a secret and a burden to her.
When we started dating I eventually asked her how she orgasms. She said that she never has. I went through a phase of trying to be the one to make her come but did not have success with different types of foreplay, oral vibrators etc. She said that oral overstimulates her. I eventually settled on keeping things varied trusting that she enjoyed it and that she wasn't able to orgasm. The frequency goes up and down depending on stress and life, but has typically been 3-5 times per month.
Our children are getting older, and we have our lives back to an extent. I thought she might have had more energy and interest, but she is receptive only, and never asks for specific things, never touches herself, and wants things to stop after I come. I read a lot of relationship blogs and learned about receptive desire, loss of desire in monogamy etc. So I tried more romance, foreplay, being the best partner I can be. I could tell it stressed her out and of course little changed. She has never brought up sex in a conversation and is uncomfortable when I do.
The best explanation I can think of is that she doesn't actually feel much. I think she is worried about being 'broken' or not enough'. She is scared Inwill be upset/angry and that it will push us apart or lead to an affair.
The thing she most enjoys is a long slow massage. Should I try to bring this up and see if we can change. More massages. When we do have sex, focus on closeness and forget the toys and foreplay that doesn't seem to work, and have aftercare. I feel like being accepted not having to perform/pretend would have to be better for her. I know that she has persisted for my sake and cannot imagine what it is like.