The PP who made the comment about "rubbing your arm" also said, "It doesn’t feel good at all for me and never has"
That's hardly an endorsement for unwanted consensual sex.
Unwanted consensual sex - or duty sex - is common in sexual relationships, with women being subjected to it more than men. It's increasingly being realised that it has significant negative psychological outcomes:
"Many women—without a history of sexual trauma—find themselves in situations where they agree to sex out of a sense of obligation or to preserve relationship harmony. These women often don’t see their behavior as harmful at first. They might feel that they’re fulfilling a partner’s needs or keeping the peace. But, over time, the emotional and physical consequences of this pattern can be profound.
The research revealed that women experiencing duty sex—a term used to describe sexual activity undertaken out of obligation rather than desire—often begin to feel the following:
- A significant drop in libido
- Physical discomfort or shutdown
- Emotional detachment from their partner
- A sense of being used, even in loving relationships
The Long-Term Emotional Consequences
It’s essential to note that many women involved in the study did not initially identify their experience as harmful. In fact, the majority of women engaged in this pattern for years before the emotional toll became undeniable. However, as time went on, they began to notice subtle but powerful emotional and physical shifts.
Women described a gradual erosion of sexual desire, with some even reporting that they felt “repulsed” by sex after prolonged patterns of acquiescence. The emotional outcome was similarly distressing. Over time, many women began to feel a deep sense of resentment, which made the act of intimacy feel more like a transactional exchange than a loving, connected experience.
... The research found that women in long-term relationships who engage in unwanted sex often experience:
- Feelings of resentment and guilt
- Increased irritability and emotional distress
- A growing emotional detachment from their partner
- Reduced sexual desire, even leading to a complete shutdown of arousal or interest in sex
As one participant expressed:
“It feels easier to cope with to just have sex and know that I will have a day or a few days of peace where I don't have to worry about his advances.”
Over time, these unresolved emotional experiences lead to greater difficulty in maintaining intimacy, both physically and emotionally. The study found that, as sexual resentment built, women became more likely to feel disconnected from their partners, unable to see intimacy as a mutually enriching experience. Instead, it felt like an obligation.
Unrecognized Coercion: A Key Factor
A key finding of the study was that many women
did not recognize emotional coercion in their relationships. The subtle but pervasive pressure to consent to sex—even when they didn’t want to—was often described as “pouty,” “sad,” or emotionally manipulative rather than physically coercive. These women did not recognize the emotional and verbal manipulation as coercion. Over time, this unrecognized coercion exacerbated feelings of guilt, shame, and frustration.
Beyond Consent: The Need for True Emotional Safety
The study’s findings highlight a critical gap in how we understand
consent. True consent is not just about the act of saying “yes.” It’s about feeling emotionally and physically safe enough to say “no.” Women must be able to express their boundaries without fear of judgment or relational consequences.
True consent involves:
-
The freedom to say “no” without fear of emotional repercussions"
https://www.voxmentalhealth.com/blogs/the-hidden-emotional-toll-of-duty-sex-in-long-term-relationships
OP, do you think your wife feels safe enough to be able to tell you that she doesn't want sex, and/or wants much less or no sex?