Discussing not feeling anything during sex with partner

[Whackamole11]

After 8 years together I think I've worked out that my wife does not feel much during sex. Not just not orgasm, but like the sensation is rubbing your elbow. It took a while because she makes the movements and sounds, but I think its for me. I'm considering talking to her about it so it becomes less of a secret and a burden to her.

When we started dating I eventually asked her how she orgasms. She said that she never has. I went through a phase of trying to be the one to make her come but did not have success with different types of foreplay, oral vibrators etc. She said that oral overstimulates her. I eventually settled on keeping things varied trusting that she enjoyed it and that she wasn't able to orgasm. The frequency goes up and down depending on stress and life, but has typically been 3-5 times per month.

Our children are getting older, and we have our lives back to an extent. I thought she might have had more energy and interest, but she is receptive only, and never asks for specific things, never touches herself, and wants things to stop after I come. I read a lot of relationship blogs and learned about receptive desire, loss of desire in monogamy etc. So I tried more romance, foreplay, being the best partner I can be. I could tell it stressed her out and of course little changed. She has never brought up sex in a conversation and is uncomfortable when I do.

The best explanation I can think of is that she doesn't actually feel much. I think she is worried about being 'broken' or not enough'. She is scared Inwill be upset/angry and that it will push us apart or lead to an affair.

The thing she most enjoys is a long slow massage. Should I try to bring this up and see if we can change. More massages. When we do have sex, focus on closeness and forget the toys and foreplay that doesn't seem to work, and have aftercare. I feel like being accepted not having to perform/pretend would have to be better for her. I know that she has persisted for my sake and cannot imagine what it is like.

You know deep down yourself what is going on. I guess you came here so we will put your fear into words. She sees sex as a chore. It's something she does for you. Maybe she does it because she loves you and it pleases her that you receive pleasure from it. Likely also because you and she have built a life and family together and she does't want to lose that.

She doesn't want to be fixed because she's not broken. Religious upbringing or not. Sexual desire comes in all colours, and absence of desire is part of that spectrum.

And she doesn't want to talk about it because it puts pressure on her to have more sex and to pretend harder to enjoy it.

I guess you have a choice: accept the unspoken compromise, stop having sex with her and live in a marriage without sex, or leave.

Yes you are right. I'm interested in the option of a spoken compromise. Not sure what that would look like hence post.

Some women don't want to orgasm during sex or otherwise - I have no issues climaxing but find penetration alone more satisfying than an orgasm. I just prefer the feeling and don't feel the need for more, it's the same with masturbation. Let her have sex how she likes to have sex. Men lately seem obsessed with women orgasming like it's a proof of prowess and I find it quite stifling to read about as someone who finds pleasure in other ways.

Thanks for sharing

This is an excellent point. Flip the narrative, imagine she wanted to do something to you that you had no interest in doing, but you go along with it for her sake. How long do you think you could maintain that?

Was she ever interested in sex? When you first started dating was she enthusiastic? Or has she been faking it from the very beginning? Are you physically affectionate, does she like kissing, hand holding, cuddles? You say she enjoys massages, do you give her massages that don’t end in sex? Or are they always a kind of foreplay?

Fo you think showing her this conversation might help?

It would have to not be so often that it becomes dreaded rather than just a chore. 8 years is a long time...

She has never been wildly horny or asked for specific things for herself. Getting engaged and special occasions are where she has most wanted it.

Yes need to talk about it

Getting engaged and special occasions is when she’s seemed most enthusiastic? Like it was a kind of reward, or celebratory act, not from sexual desire.

“Are you physically affectionate, does she like kissing, hand holding, cuddles? You say she enjoys massages, do you give her massages that don’t end in sex? Or are they always a kind of foreplay?“

You didn’t answer that bit.

She kiss and cuddles, but not in bed. Massages don't always end in sex, but I feel the need to offer 'platonic' massages so there's no feeling that it might lead to sex.

Does she voluntarily kiss and cuddle in bed after sex? Does she like what you called "aftercare", which I assume means cuddling? I'm trying to figure out what she gets from the compromise.

When PP asked where on "sex favourable/neutral/indifferent/repulsed/averse" scale of asexuality scale she is, you said favourable/indifferent. What would you do if you asked her and she said that she's on the repulsed end, actually she really doesn't like sex and wishes that you'd lose your potency so she never has to do it again?

She's NEVER going to tell you that btw, because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and - importantly - she has little kids and she'll want to keep stability for them and herself.

But would you still be OK with the compromise that she does something that is actively disagreeable to her for you?

It sounds like she does all she can to avoid sex (ie by not kissing and cuddling in bed) but appreciates that you're unlikely to want to stay in a sexless marriage.

I think you need to feel uncomfortable with that, but there is no easy solution that allows you to stay together IMO. I'm not sure talking to her is going to be very helpful either tbh because I don't think she's going to feel she can be completely honest without hurting you or potentially ending the marriage.

I really don't think there are any easy answers OP, you're completely sexually incompatible and sex/no sex is always going to be some kind of unhappy compromise for someone.

It doesn't sound like either of you want to end the relationship though so it takes big compromise on both sides. Would she be more comfortable if one night a week was sex night - so she knew there was no chance of it happening any other day and she doesn't have to worry that she might inadvertently encourage it?

If she likes a bit of a 'special occasion' you could make it a date night where you make a special meal, have a glass of wine, give her a long slow massage and then have sex. She is going to need some foreplay though! Unless massage is enough to get her going (or she's prefer you just to use lube). You also don't want her to think you're just not bothering with foreplay any more for your own selfish reasons.

If she knows ONLY Saturday (or whatever day) is sex night she may feel able to be more kissy and cuddly in bed as she doesn't have to worry that you're going to think she wants sex every time she does it.

If she likes a bit of a 'special occasion' you could make it a date night where you make a special meal, have a glass of wine, give her a long slow massage and then have sex.

Holy shit no, don’t link massage with sex, she enjoys a massage, if she knows she’s going to have to put out after a massage it’ll ruin her enjoyment of the massage!

I wish I had an answer for you @Whackamole11 but I don’t.

She doesn't really kiss or cuddle much afterwards. But we talk deeply. I've learned not talk about 'that felt so good etc'.

The idea of having sex way less or not at all is scary. But better and less frequent as a stepping stone makes sense to me.

I know that everything ends eventually and we all get old

Thanks MM, short of asking her best I can do is try separating massage and sex and get a vibe compared to now.

The not knowing when it's coming feels like a big part of it. Trying every 10 days might mean there's a long enough gap that she's expecting a quiet week afterwards?

Sorry OP, but I don't think you should have sex with someone who doesn't enjoy it.

Would it be the end of the world if you two split up but did your best to be really good co-parents?

My overwhelming thought here is she does NOT want to have sex with you - at all.

Take the hint and rather than discussing this poor woman’s lack of libido and your attempts to ‘get her going’ on the internet (and I rather suspect you’re enjoying this discussion), have a frank discussion WITH YOUR WIFE about what she actually wants: no sex ever (probably) or something else.

I really don't want to split up. If it happened we would adjust and recover, but would rather not go there.

Would you rather continue to have sex with someone who doesn't want it?

Most men are happy to do just that!

Same here.

OP sounds really considerate and I don't feel it's fair to low-key accuse him of forcing sex.

If I've read you right, @Whackamole11, DW doesn't hate sex, just doesn't find it especially pleasurable? This must be very sad for you. She does seem, as I'm understanding it, willing and gains from a sense of closeness if not what we'd call sexual satisfaction. I honestly think it's fair enough to roll with that - to find a frequency that's acceptable to you both, ensure she's lubricated, and enjoy the closeness. It's still an affirmation, albeit subdued.

Did you know some people are born with no pain perception, and others with very low pain sensitivity? Conversely, some are hyper-sensitive. Some people have an extraordinary sense of smell, or none at all; same with vision, hearing and anything else you care to mention. There's no need to search for a root cause of your wife's reduced sexual sensitivity now you've ruled out the common ones that could be fixed. It's likely she's simply made that way.

Thanks for the thoughtful post GarlicHound. Yes definitely a possibility.

OP uses the word "aftercare" suggesting suffering is quite acceptable, the term is quite specific 🤢

It constantly amazes me that men want sex with a woman who doesn’t want it.
There is a wide spectrum from cajoling an uninterested partner right up to rape but basically it is the same issue at the core.

That’s not the case here.
The dw likes the closeness
read@GarlicHound post above. This is a very likely insight.