Talking about ex's in a relationship

[ThatBrickCat]

I hope you don't mind, I am a man in my 30s looking for advice on this issue.

I'm really struggling to understand if I'm overreacting or if my girlfriend's behaviour is a bit disrespectful. I would really appreciate some perspective.

We've been together for nearly 5 years, and there's a recurring pattern around her exes. In the past, I’ll admit I reacted badly – I would get upset and seek a lot of reassurance when she said intimate details such as 'I wanted to sleep with him all the time because he was a really hot guy' or listing the size of her previous partners penis's with mine..... (and I wasn't the biggest) amongst other things (sorry if it sounds superficial, but i think it is still disrespectful to talk to your partner so flippantly like that. all of this was un prompted). I framed everything regarding ex's in this context, and wouldn't let it go, and everytime she mentions ex's too much i think of this sort of stuff, even though she doesn't mention as explicit things anymore. I've since been to therapy and have worked hard to stop that behaviour around letting go in general (not just about that, but arguments and stuff in general). I don't get as anxious and seek reassurance much anymore.

However, her behaviour has continued, and now that I'm not reacting, it seems even more glaring.

The other night, she initiated a conversation that lasted nearly an hour where she:

· Showed me photos of her and her ex together.
· Played me a video he sent her of him playing guitar for her (this has been a slight issue in the past as she always talks about how good he was on guitar, but has no interest in mine)
· Talked about another guy she used to date and showed me a screenshot of a text conversation with him.

I listened and was polite this whole conversation and just accepted it.

She held her hand over most of the text, only showing me a small part. When I asked, "Why are you covering the message?" she covered it more. I said, "I wasn't even looking at your screen," and she replied, "Because I know you are sensitive about this stuff." This is when I got annoyed. For context, I already knew the story the text was about, so showing me a covered screenshot served no purpose.

When I've challenged this kind of thing before, she says she "should be allowed to talk about her experiences," which frames me as the controlling one for having a boundary (im not saying she cant talk about ex's, or her experiences).

I have never asked her questions about ex's, all these conversations are always un prompted.

· Am I being unreasonable for being deeply uncomfortable with this?
· Is spending an hour showing a partner mementos from past relationships normal?

5 years is a lot but that's covid time, all relationships started in this time period should take that into consideration.

She's 'shit testing' you and sounds awful/abusive
Take the learning material and get your self away from this vampire.

Honestly, she sounds as though she enjoys trying to manipulate you, and wants to get a reaction.
She might even be one of those weird people who think their partner being jealous is somehow a demonstration of love (rational adults know it is not). Her behaviour sounds - on the basis of your description - like emotional abuse tbh. She sounds like a total 🚩
And honestly OP-I think you'd be better off without her. Her behaviour is designed to undermine you and your confidence. It might be hard, but walk away. And then, when you are ready, find someone who makes you happy and appreciates you for who you are.

Agree with PP: “honestly OP-I think you'd be better off without her. Her behaviour is designed to undermine you and your confidence. It might be hard, but walk away. And then, when you are ready, find someone who makes you happy and appreciates you for who you are.”

This with bells on. Your GF is deliberately spiteful and cruel. Her behaviour is not normal. As PPs have said - what would be normal would be occasional references to eg places you’ve visited with an ex or films you’ve seen. Talking about sex with exes and comparing you unfavourably with them is abusive and cruel. Please end it with her, OP. She is toxic and does not know how to love. She is a bad GF. The right partner will not do this to you.

I've never heard of or experienced anything like this. There's something up with her. Get away.

This ☝️ first poster nailed it 💯
If my hubby spoke to me like this all the time, then he would be my ex hubby 👍
I personally wouldn't put up with this, it's like being in a competition you didn't sign up for.
Mentioning an old memory is fine once in a blue moon, but comparing sexual stuff is crass IMHO. 🚩
Me personally, I think she's being an emotionally manipulative twat and I would get rid. 👋
You deserve better mate. I hope you do what's right for you. 😇

I don't think this is normal at all, OP.

I might mention my exH to my boyfriend sometimes but only in passing 'he's popping round to collect some tools' or something like that.

I have an ex boyfriend from my teen years who I very occasionally meet for a quick coffee but never report back to my boyfriend about it. I don't feel the need to.

As for sharing the kind of intimate details that you describe, just... no. So weird. If you were my son and I know this was happening, I would be holping that you would meet someone else (someone nicer) because this is really not normal and not nice. And if you she knows how you feel about it, why is she messing you around by still doing it? I hope you can get out of this relationship.

This behaviour is not normal. She may be trying to provoke you so you react to it and initiate a separation, may be or perhaps have something in mind, may be she wants to ask you if she can have an open marriage and this could be sending a message in a piece meal. just a thought.

I think it's both upsetting and hurtful to compare intimate details of exes with current partners. It just seems completely imotive and pointless. As others have said the only reason I could imagine is to make you feel jealous or posibly inadequate. You have to question why someone would want to do that?
Granted that a momentary lapse of thinking may lead to someone saying something insensitive and regrettable however once heard ts impossible for one to then unhear that.
A girlfriend once made a jibe about my old chap and followed it with "My ex was hung like a horse" and quickly followed it with "oh dear I shouldn't have said that"
I said nothing at the time but it turned what was a healthy physical relationship in to something less natural and more of a performance act.
I would either be looking to establish a different way forward with your girlfriend focusing on your tomorrow's rather than her yesterday's.
Constantly reminiscing and comparing exes is a red flag I think and unless your girlfriend stops doing this I would go your seperate ways.

Just imagine how much happier you would be without this person in your life. She is weird and you are not. It's that simple. Time to tell her straight and get your affairs in order.

I stopped reading when you mentioned her saying the ex was very hot and comparing the size of your penis. That's unacceptable and she's doing that to make you feel shit. It's not "thoughtless".

If it is thoughtless, you’d have to have such a low level of intelligence to say such things in the first place or not to immediately pick up on the issue the first time you did it.

Find someone better.

Agreed. I’ve met many beeches in my time that are cruel. I think it’s deliberate and tell her you don’t want to hear anything more about her exes. If she continues to bring up exes 5 years into your relationship, I would dump her. In fact, as I’m writing this, I wouldn’t even tolerate it so far and plan your exit
immediately. It’s totally unfair on you. Also, so you don’t feel bad. I’ve known nasty girls make up lies about previous exes, just to extort more money, attention etc out of the current boyfriend. “My ex was hung like a horse, great in bed, showered me with presents blah blah” and the ex was none of that. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Also, if she was so hot and everything was so great with her exes, why isn’t she with them now? Bet her exes have a lot to say about this matter too & paint her as a nightmare they dumped.

Right now plan your exit, get all your belongings back, before you tell her and then tell her it’s finished. You don’t need to give a reason before you block her, but you could say a ex has been in contact with you who is much prettier than your gf, ex has a fantastic body better than your current gf and sensational in bed, much better than your gf, and the ex has a kind lovely character and she’s asked you out again and so goodbye. That sort of thing, so your gf gets a taste of her own medicine. See how she likes it. You deserve better. Much better. No point in reasoning with your gf as you have previously told her many times to shut up about exes and she still persists in bringing them up. So either she’s stupid or nasty. Either way, why have that in your life when you could have laughs and loving? Plenty of girls out there who are nice.

Came to say this.

I wonder how normal she would consider it if you matched her energy, and you start to mirror the conversationshe initiates. Oh yeah, well i was with Susan a couple years ago, ong she was so hot, i swear that woman could suck a pung pong ball through a straw, no joke, one time she sucked me off 6 times in a row, not joking i have never come so hard in my whole life. (even if you make stuff up so youre not reliving actual exs)

And then when she goes off her absolute tit's at you have your answer that its not innocent as she states. (its not innocent)

Omfg...dump her!!!
It's absolutely outrageous behaviour!!!

She sounds awful. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks so little of your feelings?

For the record, I think this is a form of manipulation and control.

She’s being deliberately unkind and disrespectful to you. You’ve told her you don’t like discussing either her or your ex partners, but she has ignored this. You deserve so much better than this bitch.

As others have remarked, it’s coercion, manipulative, controlling behaviour to make you anxious, depressed,
and crying. She’s a narcissist who enjoys it. You know when mates say red flags? Should have seen the signs? Her being a beech on multiple occasions is one of them. In case you’re wondering, there’s nothing innocent about bringing up her exes and comparing them unfavourably to you. It’s a deliberate antagonistic statement to upset you. So then the question becomes why are you sticking around this horrible girl? Get rid, find someone new who’s nice.

Sounds like she doesn’t like or respect you much. The fact you used to react makes me think this is what she was wanting. It sounds very manipulative.

I’m normally in favour of people disclosing a fair bit about their past (stops people getting shocks later) but that has to be within reason and definitely not if the other person has said they want it to stop.

Just sounds like she has an unhealthy relationship dynamic, you aren’t going to be able to fix that.

I would suggest ending things. You have wasted 5 years so far, why continue?

She is insecure, immature, attention seeking and manipulative. Are you planning on going down the marriage with kids road together? It's her that needs therapy not you. Insist upon it.

Oh, for heaven's sake. You're knee deep in malice. Before she speaks, she knows what she's going to say, what videos and texts she's going to show you. She knows the effect they will have on you. She enjoys winding you up, keeping you on your toes, and gaslighting you with "just talking about previous relationships". Of course there are men who would find this extremely sexually arousing. It's part of 'cucking'. If you have no interest in this I'd advise you to get the hell out. Otherwise ~ settle in for a lovely winter. Writing about the 'dreadful' way she treats you is good for a stiffie too.