Talking about ex's in a relationship

[ThatBrickCat]

I hope you don't mind, I am a man in my 30s looking for advice on this issue.

I'm really struggling to understand if I'm overreacting or if my girlfriend's behaviour is a bit disrespectful. I would really appreciate some perspective.

We've been together for nearly 5 years, and there's a recurring pattern around her exes. In the past, I’ll admit I reacted badly – I would get upset and seek a lot of reassurance when she said intimate details such as 'I wanted to sleep with him all the time because he was a really hot guy' or listing the size of her previous partners penis's with mine..... (and I wasn't the biggest) amongst other things (sorry if it sounds superficial, but i think it is still disrespectful to talk to your partner so flippantly like that. all of this was un prompted). I framed everything regarding ex's in this context, and wouldn't let it go, and everytime she mentions ex's too much i think of this sort of stuff, even though she doesn't mention as explicit things anymore. I've since been to therapy and have worked hard to stop that behaviour around letting go in general (not just about that, but arguments and stuff in general). I don't get as anxious and seek reassurance much anymore.

However, her behaviour has continued, and now that I'm not reacting, it seems even more glaring.

The other night, she initiated a conversation that lasted nearly an hour where she:

· Showed me photos of her and her ex together.
· Played me a video he sent her of him playing guitar for her (this has been a slight issue in the past as she always talks about how good he was on guitar, but has no interest in mine)
· Talked about another guy she used to date and showed me a screenshot of a text conversation with him.

I listened and was polite this whole conversation and just accepted it.

She held her hand over most of the text, only showing me a small part. When I asked, "Why are you covering the message?" she covered it more. I said, "I wasn't even looking at your screen," and she replied, "Because I know you are sensitive about this stuff." This is when I got annoyed. For context, I already knew the story the text was about, so showing me a covered screenshot served no purpose.

When I've challenged this kind of thing before, she says she "should be allowed to talk about her experiences," which frames me as the controlling one for having a boundary (im not saying she cant talk about ex's, or her experiences).

I have never asked her questions about ex's, all these conversations are always un prompted.

· Am I being unreasonable for being deeply uncomfortable with this?
· Is spending an hour showing a partner mementos from past relationships normal?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

If her attitude towards you has pushed you to therapy, do you not think it’s time to call an end to this relationship?

Find some confidence and have the belief that you can do better. Be with someone who loves you for you, and does not compare you to others.

There’s mentioning an ex in the context of discussing something where the ex inevitably features in the memory during a conversation which is acceptable because you shouldn’t be forced to censor your whole past.

But then there’s talking about an ex for an hour, looking at and showing your current partner texts and photos and doing so whilst declaring knowledge that it’s an issue. That’s bizarre behaviour and is likely her trying to get a rise out of you.

Re state your boundary and if she discusses exes to this extent again just say “I’m sorry but can we change the subject?”

My husband and I both occasionally discuss exes. A funny story that happened, a cool holiday we went on, that sort of thing. Sometimes we might compare each other favourably to an ex, e.g. "I love doing this, I always missed it with X but he wasn't interested." I'm actually friendly with some of my exes and my husband has met them, so sometimes I'll say positive things, but only platonic things. "He makes a great puff pastry," for example.

What your gf is doing is not normal and it sounds more like she's regretting the end of the relationship and would rather be with her ex. Or she's deliberately trying to upset you or get a reaction from you, which is manipulative.

Definitely not normal and also sounds a bit vindictive. But also frankly odd why on earth is she comparing tackle size out loud to you?!

Thank you.
The problem is she sees it as normal. There isn't any malice in it. It's just sheer thoughtlessness I think. And I can accept her oversharing to a certain degree. But I don't see why I should be painted as the one with the problem. I tell her it isn't normal. But she just says "I'm allowed to talk about my experiences". I think she just has different idea of what is normal, I remember once we were walking the dog and she just randomly came out with "how many bjs did your ex give you?". And I found it a really inappropriate question and refused to answer

I'm not sure it's as innocent as you think.

Not normal. It sounds like she has her own insecurities and enjoys seeing you react to her stories of her past, I imagine if you stop reacting she will just keep on and on until she does get a rise out of you.
It does not sound like a mature, secure, happy relationship.
Maybe this kind of thing could be excused at the start of a relationship (at a push) but after five years, it should have dissipated by now and be all about looking ahead, not behind.

This isn't normal, and it's really bad manners. Discussing her sexual past and comparing you with others, unless you specifically asked her to, is really unfair and seems like she wanted to provoke you or make you feel bad. This continued behaviour, while less explicit, seems like either A) she's insecure, trying to make you jealous and get a rise out of you to prove how much you love her, or B) she is nostalgic for the ex and doesn't realise how much she's saying.
Either way, it's strange. Few of us would like it, I think. You'd hope she'd have enough empathy to realise that it's hurting you. We have to wonder why you are together?

She knows it upsets you and makes you feel insecure yet she continues to talk about her exs, not just in passing but for extended lengths of time. That's not thoughtless, it's deliberate. She's unkind and is doing it to make you feel insecure. You shouldn't stay with someone who goes out of their way to make you feel unhappy.

I wouldn't dream of talking about my exes to my current squeeze. I think it's rude and inconsiderate and would hurt his feelings badly. Your gf should be looking to the future, not the past. It sounds as though she is deliberately trying to get a reaction. Maybe she's just insecure.

It is neither normal nor innocent. She is doing it to get a rise out of you. She likely enjoys the insecurity/jealousy it creates in you.

In a happy healthy relationship ex's shouldn't be a taboo topic but discussing them in the way she does, and for extended lengths of time, especially comparing them favorably to you, is really nasty.

People don’t come out with stuff like that because they’re ‘thoughtless’ it’s actively weird 😅 that aside though she continues to do it.

This is not a healthy relationship. She's manipulative. She's intentionally making you feel insecure (unfavourably comparing size, for e.g) and making you question things (covering part of a text). These are not the actions of someone who loves you. She wants to put you in the position of feeling unstable, which is a ploy to keep you trying harder.
She makes it a 'you' problem, saying you're too sensitive. (You're not, and this classic abuse.)
Honestly, I'd end this relationship. It's emotionally abusive.
Of course she's 'allowed' to say what she likes, those are her 'boundaries'. (But she's implying that you're being controlling by censoring what she can say. You're not - it's reasonable to expect not have these things said to you. She's deflecting from her own actions and making you the problem.) Your boundary is that you won't put up with her saying or doing things that are intentionally hurtful or destabilising.
She knows exactly what she's doing, don't make excuses for her.
Well done on changing your reactions when she acts out, but it hasn't stopped her behaviour, has it. Nothing you do ever will, because her goal is to make you feel vulnerable, which keeps you in a place where you can be more easily manipulated. Ask yourself why she would want to make you feel inferior, or question what she's been texting with another guy.
You're clearly unhappy, hence posting here. I'd seek some counseling around why you're staying in a relationship that is, very understandably, making you miserable.
In blunt terms, she's toxic AF, and you should end it.

I think it’s your partner who needs the therapy.

She’s being incredibly manipulative and controlling, and gaslighting you by saying you are trying to censor what she says, thereby inferring that you are the problem in this relationship.

My DH and I never discussed exes. It just never comes up. There was a few bits at the beginning of our relationship, but only stuff like, ‘oh yes I went there with ex’.

As soon as one’s health is negatively impacted by their partner, and shows no sign of stopping – in fact your partner seems to be ramping up - then you need to get yourself out of this toxic relationship.

She does not see it as normal. She enjoys hurting you.

In any case, that's beside the point. Stop worrying about if things are 'normal' or not. The only question to be asking yourself is 'do I want this behaviour in my life, for the rest of my life?'

If you do, crack on. If you don't, bin her off, because she has shown she isn't going to change.

She is goading you to get a reaction.
It really isn’t normal or loving behaviour.

It's not normal. As others have said she is manipulative and nasty. She is continuing to compare you to others unfavourably to get a reaction out of you and make you feel inferior and not good enough. And you are letting her! You've told her many times how unhappy you are with this and yet she is still doing it.
Its hard to believe that counselling didn't open your eyes to the fact you that you were being manipulated and were in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Let her go OP, she isn't going to change so it's better to end it now before she completely destroys your self worth.

Shes admited she knows it gets to you but still does it?

That sounds like she enjoys having that power over you.

It is certainly not normal to talk about exes in comparison to penis size. It is not normal to go through text exchanges between her and her ex showing you screenshots.

Playing videos again and again and saying how good they were on guitar is also not normal. Once maybe.

But the big thing here is her knowing it bothers you but doing it anyway.

Discussing exes is normal in a lot of contexts. Just not this.

I talk about mine as in what we did or funny stories. My wife talks about hers too and we both still see them around and say hi.

I know what my wifes exes liked to listen to and I know who chewed way to loud.

My wife knows which of my exes got her finger caught in a coffee cup but was too embarrassed to say or which was a truly awful kisser.

My take - she knows you don't like it, of course she does, and she does it anyway, even after five years. Her right to 'talk about her experiences' doesn't trump your right not to want to hear about them.

Doesn't she have any friends that she can bore shitless talk to about this crude oversharing? There's thoughtless and then there's deliberately talking about inappropriate things that she KNOWS FULL WELL you do not want to discuss. I think you're wrong, there is definitely malice in it on her behalf.

But you're not innocent either - who on earth would entertain her sharing all of this stuff from her mobile phone? Videos, photographs, text messages? No, just no. Stand up for yourself. Ask her to stop and excuse yourself if she doesn't, don't sit/lie there for an hour like a nodding Churchill dog.

It's normal to know a few details about your girlfriend's ex - he hated bananas, or his middle name was Marmaduke. But penis size? No way, that's wrong and she knows it is wrong as well. It takes two to overshare - one to run their mouth and the other to listen...

It's not normal to share this stuff in the way she is sharing it
There is malice from her
It's way more than thoughtlessness
She sounds absolutely toxic and very odd
Why are you still in a relationship with someone like her?
Red flags everywhere 🙄

After nearly 5 years she's still banging on about her ex?

Does she talk about the normal stuff that comes up - like why they split up?

I'm really sorry but my first thoughts are she is either sexually turned on by talking about it, or she gets off on hurting you.

You say you believe she doesn't realise there is anything wrong in it. Is she not very switched on in other topics? Is she lacking emotionally?

I'm sorry she puts you through this. If you were a female posting, you'd be told she is disrespecting you.

This is a dumpable offence.

She's a loon, dump and run.

She is manipulating you. It's not normal behaviour especially as you have been together so long. Run for the hills. It's control

Exs are sometimes mentioned in passing , especially around holidays.

but she is doing it vindictively- dump her and run