Talking about ex's in a relationship

[ThatBrickCat]

I hope you don't mind, I am a man in my 30s looking for advice on this issue.

I'm really struggling to understand if I'm overreacting or if my girlfriend's behaviour is a bit disrespectful. I would really appreciate some perspective.

We've been together for nearly 5 years, and there's a recurring pattern around her exes. In the past, I’ll admit I reacted badly – I would get upset and seek a lot of reassurance when she said intimate details such as 'I wanted to sleep with him all the time because he was a really hot guy' or listing the size of her previous partners penis's with mine..... (and I wasn't the biggest) amongst other things (sorry if it sounds superficial, but i think it is still disrespectful to talk to your partner so flippantly like that. all of this was un prompted). I framed everything regarding ex's in this context, and wouldn't let it go, and everytime she mentions ex's too much i think of this sort of stuff, even though she doesn't mention as explicit things anymore. I've since been to therapy and have worked hard to stop that behaviour around letting go in general (not just about that, but arguments and stuff in general). I don't get as anxious and seek reassurance much anymore.

However, her behaviour has continued, and now that I'm not reacting, it seems even more glaring.

The other night, she initiated a conversation that lasted nearly an hour where she:

· Showed me photos of her and her ex together.
· Played me a video he sent her of him playing guitar for her (this has been a slight issue in the past as she always talks about how good he was on guitar, but has no interest in mine)
· Talked about another guy she used to date and showed me a screenshot of a text conversation with him.

I listened and was polite this whole conversation and just accepted it.

She held her hand over most of the text, only showing me a small part. When I asked, "Why are you covering the message?" she covered it more. I said, "I wasn't even looking at your screen," and she replied, "Because I know you are sensitive about this stuff." This is when I got annoyed. For context, I already knew the story the text was about, so showing me a covered screenshot served no purpose.

When I've challenged this kind of thing before, she says she "should be allowed to talk about her experiences," which frames me as the controlling one for having a boundary (im not saying she cant talk about ex's, or her experiences).

I have never asked her questions about ex's, all these conversations are always un prompted.

· Am I being unreasonable for being deeply uncomfortable with this?
· Is spending an hour showing a partner mementos from past relationships normal?

Sorry OP but I think she sounds absolutely awful and is deliberately trying to upset you by making you anxious and planting unnecessary worries in your mind. Not the actions of somebody who cares for you.

Agree with PP's, she is doing this play on your anxieties. She is not a keeper. I would never ever do this to my husband and if he did this to me, I would honestly tell him to go back to his ex and leave me be. I feel she might be extremely insecure. She needs you to see she could do better. So you become obsessed. There is a name for this. I think she needs therapy to understand the deeper root of this

Hell No, I would not be putting up with this, she’s taking the piss. If I was sat there and my partner was telling me things about an ex, I’d ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s playing at, why do I need to know this shit?

You sound like a thoughtful and sensitive man. And l think her behaviour is hurtful, controlling and disrespectful towards you.

You deserve better. I would seriously think about not seeing her anymore.

I hope you can find someone who really will love you for your sweet, caring nature

Good Luck

👍🍀😻
Xx

Awful behaviour on her part. As previos PP have said, she is doing this to make you feel insecure. You should be rethinking this relatioship.

Run…

Wow, you should dump her.

Don’t argue with her, just dump her, block her, and find someone better.

She sounds really unpleasant, the fact she appeared to do it more when you didn’t react also suggests she is trying to upset you. Her behaviour has driven you to therapy and I can see why but honestly I think you just need out of this toxic relationship. Is she ever pleasant?

At best, she's got no manners but she sounds crackers to me.

She's purposefully oversharing because she wants a reaction. She likes you feeling jealous, insecure and seeking reassurance. If she wants to share her experiences she can do that with her girlfriends. It's okay to have boundaries. Its okay to say if you want to talk about these things talk to someonelse bevause i dont want to hear it. I think its a bit vulgar. Fuck who you like but you dont need to share the details and certainly not with a boyfriend. It's not normal. I've been with my H for 16 years. He doesnt know how many people I've slept with. He doesn't know their names. He knows I've had a.few long term relationships and that I had a long-term FWB. He know one guy was a lot older,, one uses to beat me up and one is my best mate of 30 years.

There is a malice and a clear case of her trying to make you jealous. She sounds unhinged and insecure no one talks about their exs for an hour. She is not the person you think she is get rid before she destroyss you.

Absolutely dump her. You’re 5 years into a relationship and she’s spending extended period
of time initiating and discussing her exes. All this time should be spent happy and discussing you and your future. My parting shot to her would be “yeh, and my ex had the tightest p*, you’ve got saggier t** and she was better looking and better in bed, oh sorry, did I say that, just speaking my mind, no offence meant” or whatever. Then watch her cry her eyes out, sink into a depression & remember your words for the rest of her life. You get the picture? She’s manipulative, controlling and abusive. End of. Nothing innocent about it.

My partner is a man in his 30's and thinks discussions about exe's is not right. sometimes I say like when we were in ...country and just that upsets him, so now I say when i went to ...country i did this and that.

I try not to mention anything about exe's as he thinks it's disrespectful.

I am sorry you are going through tis. I think it's odd she would spend any amount of time talking in depth about it and i'd be thinking she hasn't moved on.

The fact you needed therapy is sad and i hope you can make the best decision for you.

You've been together five YEARS and she's still talking about her exes?

She's batshit crazy!

This tell her to go back to the exs

You have let this go on far too long @ThatBrickCat. Just tell her you are sick of it and don't want to hear about it again.

She doesn’t see it as normal.

Toxic, get rid. Maybe start going throuhh pictures of your exes etc and saying what amazing blow jobs she gave and how much better they were than hers. See how she reacts.

I’m sorry but I think her behavior is weird and unnecessary. I don’t and would never talk about ex partners and what I did with them or how big their assets were. She is being very immature and totally thoughtless in my view. I’m not sure I would want to be with someone who had such a flagrant disregard for how I felt.

If I'm being really honest I don't really understand why she would bring her ex's up, or show you pictures, unless you asked or she was trying to undermine you.
No amount of therapy will make a person who is undermining you acceptable. I think you need the talk, followed by a quick exit, unless she is willing to change her attitude.

It would appear to be immaturity on her part, she's goading you to get a reaction. You certainly do not need to put up with it. You say it's not malicious, but sorry, it is and If she cannot see that, you need to tell her. If this were a man doing this to a woman, it would probably be classed as narcissitic behaviour, a way of putting you down without doing it directly to cause mental torture. If you stay with her, at the detriment of your long term happiness, therapy for you both may help but seriously, you should let her go.

Mentioning an ex in the context of a story about your past is fine. Going on about their bodies, anything sexual, etc is rude. You say there's no malice but you've already told her it upsets you so what is it about?

Maybe ask her if she'd be so easygoing if you started going on about the size of a previous partners breasts.

This is nasty and manipulative. frankly, it’ll be unhealthy to be with this person for too long. Might as well cut it off before you invest any more time.

Have you decided what to do @ThatBrickCat?

You’ve readily admitted her behaviour would make you upset and you would ‘seek a lot of reassurance’. However you say that after therapy you’ve learnt to let it go to some extent.
I would bet my bottom dollar that even after therapy, when she displays this behaviour, unconsciously you still become a more insecure partner, and change your behaviours accordingly, becoming a bit more clingy or needy.
THIS IS THE YOU SHE LIKES! The person who needs her unconditionally, the person who seeks reassurance all the time, the person who is needy and bows to her every whim and the person who gives her the power in the relationship. And this is why she continues to behave in this manner!
She has no respect for you, doesn’t care if you’re upset by it and actually enjoys the person you become. Please dump this nasty, selfish, manipulative person... You deserve so much more!