Co-parenting Xmas Day Dreading it so much 😫

[GetBackinTheMilkYouRubberyGit]

I have been separated from my husband for 4 years. We co parent well, share 50/50 and live close by to each other.

Our own families live quite far away in different counties

My ex is completely dismissive and massively avoidant. I wouldn't classify Our relationship now as friends or even acquaintances. We don't argue, just basic interactions.

I dont have a support network round me: when I have the 3 children (10, 7 + 7) I am on my own and when I don't have them I am on my own. I have an active hobby which I enjoy and I work part time with nice people.

Anyway these last few Christmas we have always spent together. Someone will do Xmas eve and then the other will come round Xmas morning and we spend the day together and eat dinner etc. It is so depressing spending the day with him because he doesn't even do small talk with me. But we always give them a lovely day.

I have a difficult relationship with my family so that gives me major anxiety visiting them. I would love to split the day with my ex but think that would be so unfair to the kids? How horrible for them to just be alone with me. And then i would feel so awful when they go.

I just dread it so much. Looking for kindred spirits, anyone in the same boat?
Wish Xmas was like the Olympics and only every 4 years 🤣

we co parent well

but then rip him apart!

I imagine this is a pretty shitty environment for the children op. I doubt they would miss their parents spending the day together in stony silence

I'm not sure how a day spent with two parents who don't even make small talk is a preferable option to spending half the day at each parents house.

I appreciate it won't be pleasant for you being alone but I really think splitting the day would be better for everyone than trying to pretend to get on for one day.

It's been 4 years, time to make a proper break and split Christmas.

I think spending the day together, after you’ve split, when you hardly talk is not actually to the benefit of your children. It’s not modelling good, healthy relationships.

After 4 years, split the day. You’re already not enjoying it anyway.

Yeah if you don’t make small talk I imagine that’s not fun for the kids especially as they get older and more aware have half the day each and plan something nice book into a snazzy spa hotel on Xmas day night

You and your ex don’t talk and don’t spend any other time together at all.

On Christmas Day you come together, you don’t talk to each other and you “dread it”

on what planet is this going to be happy atmosphere for the children op?

They've never had an awful Christmas day, they always have a lovely day because we are altogether which they love! I am proud that we have been able to give this to them. Our energy is focused is on them and as you can imagine with 3 kids there is never stony silence!

What is mean is selfishly for me its depressing spending the day with someone who cba to chat with me.
I do think its the right time to finally split the day but my point was that would this be horrible for the children? 😕 .
P.s I don't think ive ripped my ex apart .

Op you’ve done a number on yourself in thinking this

unless your children are either under 4 , they will be acutely aware that their parents aren’t enjoying each other’s company in the slightest

I honestly think you're looking at these days with rose tinted glasses. Your children are not daft, they know you don't get on and I suspect whilst you think they enjoy it they actually feel the tension and endure it because they have no choice.

I really can't see how splitting the day so they have equal time with both parents in their respective homes is seen as a worse option?

Would this be horrible for the children?

Quite the opposite

None of my business but how can you afford to work part time? Particularly if you only have the children fifty/fifty.

Have reported thread to get this deleted.

Sit the children down and ask them what they'd like but explain, like the rest of the year's contact Christmas will be split between houses.
So the question is who has them this year and when then you'll swap for next year.

Why?

because we have said this this will be shite for your children so don’t feel guilty stopping the arrangement?

Definitely split the day OP, and don't feel guilty about it.

Why? Seems a touch unnecessary when people are taking the time to answer your question.

This. And I think the older they get they will be more acutely aware of how unhealthy and awkward it is. Speaking from a perspective of someone who’s parents were divorced I would have found it dreadful.

Taking turns to have xmas day or splitting the dat would probably be better for the DC.

DC will likely have noticed the issues between you and your ex. If they haven’t, one or more soon will.

You’re being very naive if you think the kids are having a good time when the parents don’t talk… they will know and it’s shit.

Do you chat to him and he doesn't reply? Or do neither of you talk? Surely you must talk about the children's presents, the dinner, how the children are getting on in school, etc, does the one visiting bring wine and/or flowers and maybe a small gift? Treat each other like proper Christmas visitors, if you really can't act like normal people for one day I would say stop doing it. I assume neither of you have a new partner?

I say this very gently but as someone who’s spent the day with a couple who don’t argue but also don’t speak, it’s not a walk in the park.

you’ve done amazingly well to give the children some happy Christmas memories of you both together at Christmas but now as they’re getting older, and less self-absorbed, they’ll become more aware of the dynamic between you both and the day will start to become marred by the fact that you’re putting yourself through this for them. Now is the perfect time (and they’re the perfect age) to suggest a split of the day. I always think one parent having all Christmas Eve and up until lunch on Christmas Day and then lunch on Christmas Day to the end of Boxing Day is a good split.

Also I’m sure your ex isn’t like this, but a lot of men suggest the arrangement you have so that they can essentially jump onto someone else’s hard work. So you’d do all of the present wrapping/setting the scene for Christmas morning/cooking etc and then dad rocks up and gets to enjoy it as a co-parent.

Does he really not say a word to you? Or just that he's quiet/avoiding normal conversation topics because he doesn't want to invade your privacy or similar.

If the latter then maybe think about things you can do to liven up the atmosphere e.g. a couple of fun board games/ a movie etc.

If the former then separate days may be for the best

Why? Because some people are jumping on OP for her very reasonable post and ripping her to shreds for some reason. One posters is asking her why she is working part-time which has absolutely nothing to do with her question.

Also, this is the Relationships board where normally posters aren't quite as horrible to the OP and do try to come up with constructive and helpful suggestions.

I think you’re hoping that they have a lovely day but in reality you’re normalising their parents being in the same place and not speaking to each other. Is that what you’d like their relationships to look like when they’re older?
I’ve been in your situation and after the first Xmas decided I couldn’t put us through the pantomime of happy families again.
We agreed that one parent would have DD up to Xmas Eve evening, the other parent would collect DD and have her until Boxing Day morning when the first parent would then collect her and have her until the following evening. No regrets - it worked really well. In effect DD had 2 Christmas days.