Co-parenting Xmas Day Dreading it so much 😫

[GetBackinTheMilkYouRubberyGit]

I have been separated from my husband for 4 years. We co parent well, share 50/50 and live close by to each other.

Our own families live quite far away in different counties

My ex is completely dismissive and massively avoidant. I wouldn't classify Our relationship now as friends or even acquaintances. We don't argue, just basic interactions.

I dont have a support network round me: when I have the 3 children (10, 7 + 7) I am on my own and when I don't have them I am on my own. I have an active hobby which I enjoy and I work part time with nice people.

Anyway these last few Christmas we have always spent together. Someone will do Xmas eve and then the other will come round Xmas morning and we spend the day together and eat dinner etc. It is so depressing spending the day with him because he doesn't even do small talk with me. But we always give them a lovely day.

I have a difficult relationship with my family so that gives me major anxiety visiting them. I would love to split the day with my ex but think that would be so unfair to the kids? How horrible for them to just be alone with me. And then i would feel so awful when they go.

I just dread it so much. Looking for kindred spirits, anyone in the same boat?
Wish Xmas was like the Olympics and only every 4 years 🤣

This . The children will notice , particularly as they get older , that the day is uncomfortable .

I would love to split the day with my ex but think that would be so unfair to the kids?

Sorry for being dim, but I don’t know if this is a question you are asking or just a stylistic way of giving your point of view.

What you’re describing seems to me to be miserable for everyone.

Children of separated parents have to get used to living separated lives. That can mean Christmas Day itself or alternating Christmas Day year by year.

I suggest that you work out what would be ideal for you and put that to your DexP.

There might be a way in there of using that arrangement to minimise stressful contact with your family and killing two birds with one stone.

You will have to be prepared to take the initiative and perhaps to give up regarding Christmas Day itself to be a prize to be won at all costs.

You need to split the day or alternate yrs. Why would it be any different from other weekends etc in the year? You don't spend time with him, so why for Xmas?it's ridiculous.
Your children will have a great time with you in the morning and then a great time with him in the afternoon or something like that

You’re doing your children more damage than good by trying to force this fake happy Christmas Day all together.

You’re separated and for good reason. Your children know this and it’s not natural for you to still spend Christmas Day together given the current nature of your relationship.

It’s all well and good saying you’re doing it for the kids but unless you’re in the rare situation where both parents actually do still get on really well and they just fell out of love but are still best friends, this isn’t going to work and you’re only confusing your children more by trying to force it.

Don’t wait until your kids are adults and they turn to you and say “God mum those christmases were painful. I wish you’d just done separate days.”

Also if one of you gets a new partner this routine can’t continue and then you’re just causing more disruption to your children. Just rip the plaster off now and discuss with your ex splitting the day.

You need to start to alternate Christmas Day, splitting it isn’t nice for kids as they have to leave their presents. Take it in turns.

I get it, currently divorcing but live together for now. We will be 50/50 coparenting and live near each other. I am dreading future Christmas’s as whilst I have lovely family to see, ex doesn’t. So when he has DD it will be just the 2 of them and I’ll feel bad because she loves seeing my family. When I have her I’ll be feeling guilty that he will be alone and will feel obligated to include him.

We could spend it all together but that’s unfair on my family and I won’t enjoy having ex there-but DD would love it.
I absolutely couldn’t face a day of just the 3 of us pretending-that’s too much like the end of our marriage.

So yes, I am facing rubbish Christmas days ahead all round.

I know he may find another partner but it’s not hugely likely for either of us.

None of your business. She might have investments and family wealth for all you know.

Wow thanks everyone 🤣 I did not articulate very well my feelings in my original post and that is why ive asked for it to be deleted.

Of course I chat with my ex and he will answer. I just dont get anything back. The kids wouldn't even notice, its very subtle, anyway! He does have a new partner but they dont live together, she has 3 kids of her own and co parents 50/50 same as we do.
Anyway I texted him do you think its time to split xmas 50/50 and he replied 'yes' so there we go its all sorted 😅.

Also Im not sure how this is being discussed but i'm on minimum wage and universal credit. I have no family wealth at all but my ex helps me with £400 a month even tho he doesnt have to as we share 50/50. He is kind financially.

That’s great that you’ve agreed with your ex to make a change, good for you.

Some good suggestions above on options for the split of time.

Plan some nice things for yourself for the times the DC will be at their dad’s.

Good news OP!

I honestly think the pressure we put on ourselves to give our children “The perfect Christmas Day” is very misplaced because they then feel the same pressure to replicate and all the sadness and crushing loneliness when it isn’t.

I was estranged from my dad and it made me terribly sad every year, I come from a very dysfunctional family and we don’t meet up at Christmas, and I’ve had to deal with 50-50 Christmases with my sons dad

I think it is a gift to our children to take the pressure down on that particular day, and spread it out over the period at the very least, to have traditions and routines that happen which don’t have to be on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, just things we do during the period for example Christmas movie night, taking thank you chocolates to our local a&e for the staff, Christmas walk with a flask of soup or whatever it is.. some flexibility will take down the heat and probably be a lot more fun.

When I’ve been away from my child on Christmas Day and on my own for whatever reason I’ve just got on with having a normal day, done something I want to do such as paint the bathroom or do a deep clean.

think about all the people that will be completely alone on Christmas day, feeling utterly devastated by it, this is the dark side of all this frantic pressure we put on ourselves and I really want my son to be free of it, and myself too

Oh brilliant

i I think your children will breathe a sigh of relief op

and you will start looking forward to the day rather than dreading!

Why did you ask for it to be deleted op?

I alternated. One parent would have DD Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, then reversed the following year. Made it all very easy and predictable

One of the most annoying things about this site is OPs asking for their threads to be deleted when they don’t like the answers or reading back their own OP!

But I’m glad it’s resolved for you now, the kids won’t mind a split Christmas Day its important that you are happy too, the kids will get the bonus of that 1-1 happy time with you. Have a good Christmas!

I definitely think it's better to do alternate Christmas separately. The kids will pick up on at the atmosphere that both their parents are uncomfortable in that situation even if you think it's too subtle for them to notice. You co parent civily and thats good enough. Joint christmas only works if everyone has a genuine friendship to some degree, this is something you and your ex don't have just like most people.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP. I hope you get all the food and drinks you like in, and have a relaxing time. So much pressure to perform at that time of year.

Don't listen OP, you know if the children are happy or not. I didn't like my dad much but I'd still always have preferred to have Christmas with both my parents.

If they love you both then they will love having their family all back together.

Ah glad it’s all sorted OP! Time to start some new Christmas traditions. Have a lovely festive season ☺️

My parents were like this. I was a similar age. Trust me they do notice the dynamics. You'd be much better off having half a day each x

Well done for both of you sorting this amicably. Maybe this year do half day each and next year moving forwards alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Days.

Christmas doesn't mean you have to play happy families when you are anything but. Your poor kids must be so confused. And as they get older it will be even weirder. Split the day for all your sakes.

Why? Literally every other website allows you to delete your post, it’s actually really weird that mumsnet doesn’t.