Marriage issues - I don’t know what to do. Please be kind

[sunflower751]

Husband and I have been together 14 years, married 8. We got together young (19 and 21).
He cheated on me a year into the marriage with a work colleague we both knew. We had a lot of therapy afterwards (couples and individual for him) and chose to reconcile. I know people will say I should have left then, but as my therapist said today, maybe I would always have wondered “what if” if we hadn’t tried. That’s done now.

Fast forward: we decided to try for a baby two years ago and have been struggling with infertility. I have PCOS and he has low sperm morphology. We did medicated cycles privately but they didn’t work. IVF would be the next step.

Things got tense around August. Out of nowhere he snapped and said he didn’t want to continue with any fertility treatment, needed a break, and wasn’t sure he wanted a child with me. We were also in the middle of selling our house, which actually sold just after this big row. We both went back to individual therapy, and he told me he’d been suffering emotional burnout from the fertility treatment and major pressure at work after moving into a very senior role.

We decided to keep going with the house sale and put an offer in on a new place. We haven’t exchanged yet but everything has been moving along in the background.

Then last week we went on holiday. It was awful. He made no effort, barely seemed to want to be there, and we bickered the whole time. When we got home a few days ago I gently asked if we should reassess the house move if we’re this unhappy… and he blew up again.

He’s now totally emotionally withdrawn. He refuses to talk without getting angry or storming out. Tonight he booked a hotel to “have time away to think”. (My therapist actually suggested that maybe he should take the space he says he needs, rather than him being half-in/half-out at home.)

The thing that’s really knocked me: I noticed he’s recently reconnected with an ex-colleague on Instagram and has been liking some of her suggestive photos. I confronted him and he just got defensive and angry. Given the past, I’m terrified he’s cheating again or on the brink of it.

I feel completely lost. I’m not even sure he loves me anymore.
I know people will say I was stupid for taking him back 6 years ago, but please be kind. I have no family nearby I can stay with, a decent but not amazing job, and we have pets I adore and don’t want to lose. I honestly can’t see a way through this right now and I’m so sad.

What would you do in my situation? Has anyone come out the other side of something like this? The way he is treating me is so unfair, he just says he doesn’t know what he wants and won’t talk.

I don’t think you’re stupid at all - you did something brave to try again because to you it was worth it, and you’ve had good times. Not right now though. I do wonder if there is much you can do if he is so determined to push you away.

You don’t have to do anything right now. Just sleep separately, give yourself space. Work walk your dogs. Something will change, you won’t be in this situation a month from now.

You can’t control the situation right now, or him. So if you you love him and want to work on it tell him, if he chooses otherwise, let him go

Thank you so much for such a kind comment, I am really beating myself up but the therapist I’m seeing said a similar thing. Just feeling so shaken up at the moment x

Thank you, this is how I feel. I can’t make him love me if what he is saying is true and I’ve got to have some self respect but my word it hurts x

Sadly we are born alone and die alone. You are only in your early thirties. I had my first child at 37. Second at 39. All is not lost, I suspect you may think that’s your chance for children gone.. but who knows, either this will come right, or it won’t. Either way, you will survive and be ok. I’m praying for you. You are not alone.

Being very blunt, if you divorce your husband you have a chance of meeting a man with a higher sperm count. I know what I’d do if I wanted a baby.

I’d try to emotionally detach from him to protect myself.

OP, I suspect that you know in your heart that the relationship is probably over. You did your best to get over his affair and you have a therapist. You’ve done the best you can. You need to look forward now to your future. Your gut instinct now is not to buy a house together and his angry reaction shows you’re right. Let him have his time to think and tell him you also need time to think. Take control. At least your house is sold so that’s one problem out of the way. Ducks in a row and start planning your own future now. Good luck 💐

@sunflower751 happy, contented couples don't need therapy. Your house has sold. The timing is perfect. You can go your separate ways.

Good luck.

Tbh if he's so unstable I wouldn't want to have a baby with him, OP. You sound very kind and generous and I mean it gently because you clearly love him, but there is a big but: an emotionally distant man won't be a good dad or husband. A burnt out man who is seeking dopamine hits won't be either. You may end up with a baby and alone - divorced and bound to him for the rest of your lives which won't be good for you or your baby. Or alone in a bad marriage - that's likely worse. I agree that on balance there's a decent chance you'll find a different man and end up in a healthier relationship and possibly with a better chance of having a baby than with him. I'd personally not mess around wasting time on him considering your own situation. I'd put myself first, for once. Pack up the pets and move closer to family, on your own. Plan this now, do it in 2026. Do not buy a new house with him. Do what is right for you, you are important. Thinking of you, I know it's hard now.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry. You have so much stress piled on your plate.

If you want the opportunity to make things work with DH, I think you do need to give him some space. But being alone might not help if you are overthinking. Do you have anything that could distract you tomorrow to take your mind off of things? Perhaps see a friend? Or visit your family?

If things don't work out, please remember you are so young. It might not feel like it now, but you have a whole amazing life in front of you. Hang in there. X

That’s a bit depressing. We are not born alone, our Mothers go through tens of hours of painful labour after months of giving us the right nutrition so we are healthy and survive, that’s a hell of a lot of work and love and compassion and then afterwards they choose to feed us, keep us safe and warm. Also we don’t die alone if we have treated our family well and are good at communicating and keeping our relationships alive and loving. Saying that this relationship is in difficulties. Think deeply about what YOU WANT and go for that. Love to you

Sounds to me that you need to continue with your house sale, but pull out of buying the new one together; go separate ways because a person who refuses to talk and engage is not a partner.

As cold a view as this may seem, having sold a house, you'd be in the ideal situation to go separate ways with half the sale proceeds and start again (that's assuming that you would come away with half or a chunk to be able to buy a small place). It's a straightforward split while there are no children.

Pets, you will not need to lose them; just go into a short term rental while you look for a small place and buy. It is harder to rent with pets but not impossible.

You are young! PCOS is not the end of fertility and if you were not with a man with sperm issues, you may well conceive more easily and you have many years yet to find a new relationship and settle down with someone who will talk about issues rather than going silent and moody.

Silent and moody never gets better.

Youre young enough to have the chance of a good life. Grab it.

I know it’s difficult but you need to get the house sold and go your separate ways. You can and will be happy again. But not with him. He sounds awful. You deserve better 🩷

How important is having a baby to you? Because right now would be the perfect opportunity to leave him and, either find a new man to have a baby with, or go it alone.

Continue with the house sale, as that that is dealt with, either go into rented together or separately, whichever feels right for you. Divorce him. You gave him a chance before and whilst he's clearly in a bad way now, you don't deserve to be treated as he's treating you.

I'd leave
I'd take my half of the money from the house sale and start again somewhere else ..I'd also get divorced.
It's so much harder trying to leave with children..

Oh OP, I feel for you. I have been in your situation before. With hindsight, my advice is - leave now. You’ve seen him for who he is. Stop going after something he isn’t bothered about giving you. The trust is gone because he already cheated and whilst you obviously weren’t ready for the relationship to end (neither was I), you haven’t forgotten about it. Save yourself the heartache later and leave now while things are still easy for you to do so - it’s infinitely harder after having children and you’ll be tied to him forever if you go down that road.

I know it’s easy for me to say this but when you’re drawn into something you can’t see it - it’s obvious to those of us who are removed from the situation that this is just a miserable existence and for those of us who continued to try and push through it and make it work - we can tell you that it doesn’t get any better, it gets worse.

As others have said this is a perfect opportunity for you to start again. You obviously don’t trust him and he is not treating you nicely, whatever his reasons are. It sounds like the marriage is over. Take half the proceeds of the house, divorce whilst there aren’t any children involved, give yourself time to heal before looking for another relationship and kids. I would do this now rather than waiting a couple of years, particularly with your fertility issues.

I'd let him go. He's telling you by his actions that he's done. At least the house is sold so you're not trapped living with someone who doesn't want to be there like so many others are.

Once it's done, give yourself time to heal. You'll grieve for the life you thought you were going to have.

Surprised your therapist is saying these things to you tbh

One of my good friends got married at 30 to her uni sweetheart, who seemed to worship her. A year later he told her he was leaving for a work colleague he felt suited him better. She was floored. Thought she’d never find anyone else, never have kids, etc. Two years later she’s thriving. She will (I hope) find a better life partner and have kids. Early 30s you still have lots of time. I had my last kid at 42.

If you genuinely love him and want it to work, give it a chance, but put a time limit on it. Often we stay in relationships not because they’re good for us, but because fear of change/the unknown is so great. You certainly don’t want to be in a relationship like the one you describe now, when you have kids. They shine a light on all the cracks.

This
See a lawyer
Take your pets and rent short term

You deserve better than moodiness and silent treatment and with his history of cheating, is he really worth the angst ?